To not want to pay the money back

[djspaoxndn]

Posting here as genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable or not and want honest responses.

I had first DC 6 months ago which is my mums first grandchild. My mum kept asking me what she could buy for the baby to which I said it was fine, she didn't need to buy anything etc etc.

We went shopping and I was going to buy my pushchair and cot and my mum offered to pay. I said no but she absolutely insisted and said she wanted to and she was so excited. She also threw me a surprise baby shower (not really my thing but I appreciated the effort she went to).

After the baby shower she kept moaning for weeks to me about how much it cost her and how much effort she had put in and how little effort DH family have made. To be honest it put a damper on things but I didn't say anything.

She came round for dinner last week and said to me she had paid for my pushchair and cot on a credit card. She said the interest is expensive and she is going to be paying it off for years. She then said to me could I contribute £110 a month towards the payment so it would be paid off quicker.

My mum has money (both her and my dad have good jobs). They aren't wealthy but definitely not struggling. She said she wanted to buy it but now seemingly can't afford it. However, I know she spends a lot of money on holidays and clothes/nights out etc and she can easily afford the payment.

I agreed to pay but haven't told DH yet. I actually feel really hurt about it all and whilst we can afford the money, I'm on maternity pay and it's a bill I hadn't accounted for and will impact on what we can afford the end of the month. I just feel annoyed as I would have paid it myself at the time if I had of known. I also took her for dinner, bought flowers/chocolates and made a big deal of saying thank you when in fact I'm now paying for the majority of it anyway.

I have always thought she is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits. I do really love her and we are close but she has form for saying or doing horrible things sometimes. We have spent more time together as I have been on mat leave and think it will be better for our relationship once I am back at work.

She can't be paying much if she's only paying the interest every month. The interest rate on the average CC is between 18% and 28% annually. If she is at the high end and paying 28% then 28% of 1500 is 420. Divide that by 12 and she's paying at very most around £35 a month.

If you pay her £110 a month and she pays absolutely nothing towards the loan then you'd pay it off (at this very high interest rate) in around 16 months.

I'd be very worried that she's going to take you for a ride OP - she's already suggesting it going to take 'years' to pay off. She'll be milking you for £110 a month for years and telling you it's 'nearly' paid off or whatever lies.

You need to either just give her the lump sum of £1500 or transfer it to a 0% credit card in your name. Don't trust her for a second, she sounds like a complete fucking narcissist. She's had the glory of buying you all that and now the fun is over she wants you to pay for it.

Because she is a nasty bully, she is making this your problem. It is actually her problem.

Option 1: pay lump sum of £1500 and no interest. (Bad enough to ask for money back but extra on top is a step too far)
Option 2: pay nothing

Never accept anything from her again. Ideally go NC. Not just for your sake but also your DH and DC. I wish my mum had gone NC with her mum as her toxicity poisoned our whole family until she died.

Does she want all of the money back OP? Or a contribution towards the cost?

Do not pay. She is rescinding a gift.

She sounds exactly like my Mother. If you pay her back, inform her she will be a hypocrite for complaining about DP's family not paying for anything when she falsely offers to buy items for baby. Tell her at least they aren't fake.

You don't buy, or gift something you can't afford. Let alone winge on about afterwards.

Either tell her to f. off, or reimburse her, preferably both.

Why do people do this? offer to buy gifts & then you have lend them the money (my step daughter ended up buying her own pram in the end) or then they moan about the cost & make you feel shite.
another poster on another forum said her mother offered her her deceased mum’s ( her grandmothers house- now shes selling it to her instead- I call it elastic giving

Noooo please don't get sucked into paying the credit card! If you must pay her back - and I understand your reasoning as you originally planned to buy them - please only send the amount it would have cost upfront. There's no way you should contribute towards any interest!! If you do have the money available, a lump sum payment also closes the issue.

Maybe a good time to dial down the relationship, this sounds like a lot of hassle you don't need as a new mum!

If she's on high interest credit cards, it suggests their finances aren't brilliant. Does she have trouble handling money ?.

That aside, her actions totally out of order, if she couldn't afford it, don't insist on paying..

No way would I pay, she offered and now she can pay. She sounds bloody awful. What an absolute CF she is!!!

Is your mum my mum?

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I know exactly what it is. And it's so easy for those who don't have mother's like this to look in from the outside and say "just do this/that."

They don't understand when your whole life has been forged by the dynamic of a mother like this and how they present themselves being the only thing that matters, that this is the norm for us and not an easy thing to just fix.

Last year, at 42, I started backing away. And it's been the best thing for me. I still feel like I'm having a panic attack when she turns up unexpectedly and I hear the wheels on the driveway. You can't explain that to people who haven't been raised by a narcissist. They don't know how truly lucky they are. This is your mother. The one safe space you were supposed to have.

All I can say is you will, in your own time, realise your life is better without her. I can't get rid of mine in her entirety because I would feel overwhelming guilt (trauma bonded) and she would destroy my relationship with the rest of my family, to ensure they felt sorry for her.

You know what though. You and me both will make damn sure that our children aren't on internet forums writing heartbreaking stuff like this.

Sending solidarity xx

She offered, she chose to put this on her Credit Card! You don’t need to deal with the fall out from telling her no, just cut her off. Why are you dealing with this shit? You’ve had this all of your life, you have a child now and you won’t have the time and energy for whatever else she comes up with in the future. Nip it in the bud now.

I wouldn't pay it back either. It is time she owned her actions and took accountability. It feels like her needs are at the centre here, not yours and you need the energy for your new family

Totally agree with this approach. I would not agree to reimburse her. Now,if she's very cash strapped due to unwise budgeting, as her daughter I would help her out without linking it to her parental gift.Two entirely separate matters. She sounds very immature but it's never too late to learn.

Just paying her the cost of the pram etc might be best. The interest isn’t your problem. Don’t accept gifts in future. She’s unreliable.

If you want boundaries, block her on everything. If she comes round to your door, don't let her in and call the police to have her removed if she carries on making a fool of herself. So what if she tells all your family you have been horrible and nasty to her? Your family must know what a miserable nasty cow she is.

I think if I couldn't make the break for myself, I'd be making it for my child. Do you want your child growing up with a grandmother like this?

I would give her the actual amount and tell everyone YOU paid for it yourself

Grandparents eh ? We've got a competetive one on one side and indifferent ones on the other !!

My DM bough a cot back in the day. She set a budget and we chose it together. Despite having no income or anything else she has always supported us as best she can.

MIL has bought nothing of any significance EVER. Nothing towards wedding, babies, not ever. She's not even invested time- no babysitting, school shows, football matches, birthday parties. Randomly gives SIL £10-20k whenever for whatever though.

Now she lives with ME full time and follows me everywhere (my own fault). Do not be me OP



Had you chosen the pushchair etc before she offered so knew the price?
If so say mum I was paying you insisted now I've spent the money on other things....if you upped the price after the event different....
That's a bloody expensive purchase

Could you set up a payment plan for £1500 paying a set amount per month? But I wouldn’t be paying her interest that’s her problem.
Get it signed and witnessed. With the amount on and an end date.
Never let her buy anything again. Especially if you have more children.
Or can you put £1500 on a 0% credit card and give her that amount and hand over a document for her to sign to saying you’ve paid it back? Even that would be cheaper a month than £110 especially over 18 months.
I can’t believe a mother would do that to her daughter!
she could whistle for the baby shower money!

What an awful thing to do to your own daughter…I would be going very LC after that stunt…

I think I would take out an interest free loan to give her the money. Minus what you spent in dinner flowers etc to thank her…that gets her off your back and you would have paid for them anyway. And I would make it very clear that you are disgusted by her behaviour towards you and her grandchild. And I would not accept any further gifts from her and tell her why..

Alternatively you could stand your ground and remind her that she insisted on buying them and that you have now spent the money on other things. However, as an act of goodwill you are prepared to pay her back half the cost. So £750. But this will be a one off payment and she won’t get a penny more.

What a nasty woman..
What does hubby say?

How much did she pay for these items for the monthly payment to be 110 after 6 months?

Have you told your OH yet? It doesn't really matter if he thinks your mum is awful, she is and he'd be right. You should approach this as a team as you share the child and therefore its pram and cot are both of your responsibility.

I think you should pay face value if you can afford it and wash your hands of the whole thing, and go lc. No way would I be paying her interest when I had the money at the time.