Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay the money back

329 replies

djspaoxndn · 08/10/2024 12:31

Posting here as genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable or not and want honest responses.

I had first DC 6 months ago which is my mums first grandchild. My mum kept asking me what she could buy for the baby to which I said it was fine, she didn't need to buy anything etc etc.

We went shopping and I was going to buy my pushchair and cot and my mum offered to pay. I said no but she absolutely insisted and said she wanted to and she was so excited. She also threw me a surprise baby shower (not really my thing but I appreciated the effort she went to).

After the baby shower she kept moaning for weeks to me about how much it cost her and how much effort she had put in and how little effort DH family have made. To be honest it put a damper on things but I didn't say anything.

She came round for dinner last week and said to me she had paid for my pushchair and cot on a credit card. She said the interest is expensive and she is going to be paying it off for years. She then said to me could I contribute £110 a month towards the payment so it would be paid off quicker.

My mum has money (both her and my dad have good jobs). They aren't wealthy but definitely not struggling. She said she wanted to buy it but now seemingly can't afford it. However, I know she spends a lot of money on holidays and clothes/nights out etc and she can easily afford the payment.

I agreed to pay but haven't told DH yet. I actually feel really hurt about it all and whilst we can afford the money, I'm on maternity pay and it's a bill I hadn't accounted for and will impact on what we can afford the end of the month. I just feel annoyed as I would have paid it myself at the time if I had of known. I also took her for dinner, bought flowers/chocolates and made a big deal of saying thank you when in fact I'm now paying for the majority of it anyway.

I have always thought she is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits. I do really love her and we are close but she has form for saying or doing horrible things sometimes. We have spent more time together as I have been on mat leave and think it will be better for our relationship once I am back at work.

OP posts:
mummytrex · 08/10/2024 12:59

It's difficult as this is your mum. This would seriously taint my relationship though.

As others have said she has wanted the glory of being generous granny but at your own expense.

Tbh I'd likely be so annoyed that I'd give her the items back and just buy my own. Or if you feel that is too much either way you can't afford to pay as on mat leave and finances are tight!

If you really feel like you have to pay something (I don't think you should) then agree a specific amount not akmlly a monthly unending payment.

I wouldn't be accepting anything off her again tbh.

What has your dad said about this?

Detchi · 08/10/2024 13:00

It matters what the costs are - what did she spend, and what would you have spent if you'd been paying for it?

TheHangingGardensOfBasildon · 08/10/2024 13:00

Does she maybe have a shopping addiction? Did she get caught up in the thrill of the moment of purchase, but then come to regret paying more than she could afford straight afterwards?

Or is she one of these people who loves to broadcast far and wide about how kind they've been without actually stumping up in the first place?

Do you know for a fact that she did use a credit card for the purchases - and still has them outstanding on there? I would hope this isn't the case, but could she be trying to take advantage of you by forcing a 'loan' on you and charging you hefty 'interest' that she herself has never actually had to pay out?

It's terrible behaviour on her part, but if those were the items that you had chosen and expected to pay for (OK, not including the baby shower), could you not just give her the money from your budget and then remember and be aware for next time she tries the same trick?

Lissyy · 08/10/2024 13:00

Either pay for the items and never let her buy anything again, or return the items to her and buy your own. She's a fool.

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 08/10/2024 13:01

I would offer her the cost of the items if you can still afford it - you say you were going to buy them yourself, so I’m assuming they weren’t too far out of your budget? Certainly don’t get tied in to a monthly expense. She may conveniently forget to tell you once it’s actually paid off; she will continue to use that card, so your “gifts” won’t be the only things on there.

That's exactly what I was going to say.

I'd give her what I could towards the cost of the items, but the interest is her issue.

neilyoungismyhero · 08/10/2024 13:02

Can't she transfer the balance to an interest free credit card?
Maybe then go halves with
her and learn the lesson not to trust her in the future. My dad did similar a lot of years ago re my 21st birthday. Lesson learnt but we didn't fall out although it changed my perception of him.

HellonHeels · 08/10/2024 13:03

That's a shitty thing for her to do.

If you are going to pay her back, do NOT pay her £110 a month. She's financially irresponsible, that money won't go to the credit card bill, shell spend it on something else. You'll be paying her £110 a month for eternity.

Acornsoup · 08/10/2024 13:04

Well it's not a gift then is it. Your DM is controlling what you spend your money on.

Why would you pay for her spending habit? Absolutely unacceptable to buy someone a gift and then ask for a contribution.

I also would not suffer the comparisons between parents/in laws or any further guilt associated to money.

I would not be accepting and further gifts. Are there always strings attached?

JustWalkingTheDogs · 08/10/2024 13:08

I'd tell her you can't afford it as you're on maternity leave, especially as you probably spent the best part of £50/60 on a meal and flowers for her as a thank you.

I'd offer her the pram back so she can sell it and buy yourself something else

Prisonpillow · 08/10/2024 13:08

In your position I would pay the full amount in one (providing you’re able). I wouldn’t want monthly payments and also means you’re paying some interest.

FragileWookiee · 08/10/2024 13:08

My mother in law did this with our first. Offered to buy a pram, showed her the one I wanted, (not expensive) she kept sending me back other prams/pushchairs that were even cheaper. Some were not suitable for a newborn. This went on for weeks. She relented and gave us some money towards pram, then a week later asked us for the money back.
It happened with everything, travel cot she was going to 'buy' next. Then it was a second hand 10 year old travel cot gifted from her sister. Travel cot never materialised.
A very long list of stuff offered, then the offer taken back. We didn't speak for nearly 8 years after many years of this.
Pil are well off, so well off in fact she doesn't have to work and never has worked. So it wasn't a case of watching the pennies. She's just very odd. Would buy clothes for the kids and take all the labels off so I couldn't exchange for correct sizes. Stuff like that.

Just tell your mum you can't afford it and to move her credit card balance to a 0% interest.

Overthebow · 08/10/2024 13:08

How much was the cot and pram if £110 a month is a contribution? That mist have been an expensive pram. Tell her no, you can't afford it now as didn't budget for it after she said she'd buy it/

allmycats · 08/10/2024 13:10

If you can just pay the actual retail cost to her in a lump sum. Even better if you can give it directly to your father ,or in front of your father and state that it is the full, original cost of the pram and cot. Do not give it to her unless there is a witness.

kolalumps · 08/10/2024 13:11

Say exactly to her … I cannot afford it. Will be paying it off for years … her quote.

So sorry mum, I just cannot afford to buy the gifts that you gave me. I can give them back & you can sell on eBay.

redtrain123 · 08/10/2024 13:13

How much was the pushchair? £110 a month seen a a lot (for a gift)

olympicsrock · 08/10/2024 13:14

Give her the money and then never ever let her buy anything for you again.

Ivehearditbothways · 08/10/2024 13:16

Paying it off for years at £110 a month? What pram and cot did you choose?
If you’ve chosen high end and expensive then surely you have the money? You don’t choose pram and cot costing a couple thousand if you’re on a low budget.

I wouldn’t want to pay her; she said this was a gift. But why so expensive?

LookItsMeAgain · 08/10/2024 13:18

Send her this message (or some form of it):
"Hi Mum,
After careful thought, I've decided against paying you for the baby shower, the stroller, the cot and anything else that you have bought against my wishes. All of these were given to me, DH and your grandchild as gifts. Generally speaking people who give gifts don't usually come back weeks or months later asking for the recipient to pay for the gifts. I didn't ask for the stroller, you insisted on buying it. I didn't ask for the baby shower, you threw it without me saying I wanted one. Everything that has brought me to this point has been you spending money you clearly don't have, on things that I didn't want or need at that time. If I were to contribute to these costs now, I would be taking money away from my child, your grandchild. This is not ideal and not the way I wanted to start out my life as a mother. I will not be paying any money towards your credit card bill. I suggest you try and sell items online to recoup some of the money you spent. This may not be what you want to hear but it is how I'm feeling at the moment. Please don't ask me for money towards your credit card bill again. It will make things very awkward between us if you do."

1offnamechange · 08/10/2024 13:19

I know cots etc are expensive but shes being cheeky as fuck framkng £110 as a "contribution" it will soon add up to the whole amount plus more.

I would personally say no sorry you can't afford it but if you do contribute then as a pp said give her a set amount rather than getting tied into it monthly because she will absolutely forget to tell you when it's all paid off....

That £110 would be better off getting therapy for you - sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg and you'd benefit from discussing the issues you've had with her with a professional before deciding how to move forward, before your own child starts getting enmeshed with her....

Ponderingwindow · 08/10/2024 13:19

You know the original cost of the items. If you have agreed to pay for them, I would not pay over that cost. She should be responsible for the interest and any fees at the very least.

itsmylife7 · 08/10/2024 13:20

I'd pay her and then they become "your" properly.

If you don't pay she'll hold this over you for ever.

I bought prams,cots,moses baskets for all my GC and never mentioned this fact....ever !

Lurkingandlearning · 08/10/2024 13:20

and it's a bill I hadn't accounted for…..

well, you knew your baby needed a push chair and a cot. I suppose you spent that part of your baby budget on something else.

Understable if your mum had never been such a completely flaky arsehole before. She’s an adult and responsible for her own finances. Tell her that had you known it was going to be a problem for her you’d never have accepted her gift. And now you know how irresponsible with money she is, you won’t be accepting any gifts of significant cost from her in future.

And please don’t depend on her for any child care needs you might have going forwards.

Nanny0gg · 08/10/2024 13:22

Does your dad know?

godmum56 · 08/10/2024 13:24

ultraviolet4753 · 08/10/2024 12:52

If you do pay her back the £110, I would make sure that she is actually paying off the card with it and not spending it on something else, whilst still incurring interest still.
I'd ask to see the credit card statement so you can set up payments direct from your bank account, rather than through her.

its not 110, its 110 PER MONTH

hattie43 · 08/10/2024 13:24

What a horrible thing to do OP. She should have gone halves or something , I hate fickle people . I'd play her at her own game and say funds are tight as you've been on mat leave and offer a token payment monthly .