To not want to pay the money back

[djspaoxndn]

Posting here as genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable or not and want honest responses.

I had first DC 6 months ago which is my mums first grandchild. My mum kept asking me what she could buy for the baby to which I said it was fine, she didn't need to buy anything etc etc.

We went shopping and I was going to buy my pushchair and cot and my mum offered to pay. I said no but she absolutely insisted and said she wanted to and she was so excited. She also threw me a surprise baby shower (not really my thing but I appreciated the effort she went to).

After the baby shower she kept moaning for weeks to me about how much it cost her and how much effort she had put in and how little effort DH family have made. To be honest it put a damper on things but I didn't say anything.

She came round for dinner last week and said to me she had paid for my pushchair and cot on a credit card. She said the interest is expensive and she is going to be paying it off for years. She then said to me could I contribute £110 a month towards the payment so it would be paid off quicker.

My mum has money (both her and my dad have good jobs). They aren't wealthy but definitely not struggling. She said she wanted to buy it but now seemingly can't afford it. However, I know she spends a lot of money on holidays and clothes/nights out etc and she can easily afford the payment.

I agreed to pay but haven't told DH yet. I actually feel really hurt about it all and whilst we can afford the money, I'm on maternity pay and it's a bill I hadn't accounted for and will impact on what we can afford the end of the month. I just feel annoyed as I would have paid it myself at the time if I had of known. I also took her for dinner, bought flowers/chocolates and made a big deal of saying thank you when in fact I'm now paying for the majority of it anyway.

I have always thought she is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits. I do really love her and we are close but she has form for saying or doing horrible things sometimes. We have spent more time together as I have been on mat leave and think it will be better for our relationship once I am back at work.

Hope convo with DH goes okay OP. What your mum has done is awful and really narcissistic. I know you said you can’t afford to pay it back in full right now but I would really look into this with your DH. You then don’t owe your mum anything and you are in control and say that you bought the items. If she asks what DC would like for birthdays/ Christmas’ just suggest small items (book/ pjs) - don’t let her have the glory of buying the star gift which DC loves or let her think you owe her anything.
whats she like for her own birthday/ Christmas? Does she expect big showy gifts - my guess is she does. And did she also brag to others that she had bought you the pram/ cot?
edited for spelling mistakes!

that is an awful way to treat your daughter!! why would a mum do that??@djspaoxndn

on reflection / why don’t you tell DH everything and let him deal with it? It might help with a third party getting involved? So either he arranges to pay it back up to the £1.500 or he says you’re not paying and he deals with the fallout. Honestly, if she tries all the crap turning up at your door etc, call the police.

This!
Added to which, she hasn't told you what the interest is... could be interest on her other purchases too... and to say I will tell you when its paid off is completely unacceptable... this could run and run without you ever knowing when you are free of the debt.
To do this to someone who is on maternity leave is just awful.
I'd never agree to pay the interest on this. I'd borrow on 0% to pay back the 1,500 - forget paying for the party you didn't want, Trade that against the cost of your thank you dinner and gifts if you have to.
And don't accept anything from her again.
You say she will slag you off to the rest of the family. Let her. She'd soon find another excuse to do that anyway. Do you have other family members who are supportive?

Oh and by the way... a text to all saying you can't afford Xmas presents this year so please don't send you any ( buy yourself, DH and baby something lovely instead) Its a total relief not to do wide scale Christmas shopping.

Try not to worry so much about her and what she thinks.
You know what she is like by now... so lower your expectations of her and you won't be so dissappointed when she acts up again.
You have your own lovely little family unit. This is your time. Enjoy it and don't let others spoil it for you. That only works if you let them.

It's an illustration of the 'not all bad' relationship.

I would pay her the full amount if you can, and pull her up if she ever tries to brag about it in front of you.

My own mum did this - offered out of the blue to pay for my wedding dress (in front of my sister and my gran), pointing out that she'd paid for my sisters dress. When I asked about a budget later on (really just asked my mum for a number, fully intending to contribute the rest if I wanted a more expensive dress), she started stammering on about how she had no money but she would go into debt for it, it would be fine, I mean she really couldn't afford it but she would do it.

I told her to forget it, I would buy my own dress, and due to other wedding related dramas (wanting to control the guest list etc) we ended up falling out and not speaking for four years, and she wasn't invited to my wedding. I bought my own dress and it was less than £500 (loved it, still have it!) she just wanted the moment of offering and the glory of it, without the actual nitty gritty of paying the money. If she'd been at my wedding, I have no doubt that EVERYONE would have known who bought my dress, and what it cost and what a difficulty it had been for her.

Just be careful that you only pay her back the £1500 not more.

Your mum is really out of order. You might have bought second hand. Why don’t you suggest she does a balance transfer to 0%? I’d have a frank conversation - point out you didn’t ask for any of this. Is she really struggling?

Thank you! I know I am out of the loop and all, but that seems like quite a bit. Is a cot, a crib in the USA, with a mattress and all? If it's a crib and mattress, that isn't too bad. But my head is spinning over the cost of a stroller, even with the car seat. Inflation is truly brutal.

Yes a cot is a crib and with a mattress it gets costly.

DD had her first baby a few weeks ago, we were just over £1700 for a pram/pushchair, footmuff, Doona car seat and isofix base.

No wonder parents have a hard time affording a baby. Costs have really jumped. The crib doesn't sound bad, as I think I might have paid about that with the mattress for my DGD, but it was a set of furniture, so not honestly sure of that.
I truly admire parents, having to buy the necessities for a baby is a daunting task. And to think it only gets worse. Yikes!

In fairness there are cheaper options but I fully agree it’s hard regardless, I can’t imagine not helping out. Hopefully this set will do DD for another baby in the future.

You self-aggrandised yourself by giving a so-called present..
Off you go

ITA! I couldn't handle not wanting to help however they needed, as much as possible. DGD is almost grown, and I still feel that way about her, my DD and my DS.

What does this mean?

If this cot and pram were your 1st choice I would find the money and pay her. Even if I had to ask the bank for a loan. £1500. Not a penny more.
And then go NC.
She would have written herself out of my life and her grandchild's.

No. It can be done for much less but if you want a certain brand or design it's expensive.
You can buy a cot for £59 in IKEA (+ a matress for £35). It isn't fancy but it does the job.

OP, genuinely, you have to consider really lowering your contact with your mother or even going NC. She is a massively toxic element in your life and you won't want her around your DC anyway so maybe now that she has overstepped in this hideous way, she has handed you the chance to do it.

It's not an odd thing. It's a perfect analogy of OP's situation.

Previously on MN I have read that if you are looking at a sparkling and inviting pool but you know it is 5% raw sewage, are you going to swim in it? No. Same with OP and her toxic mother.

Two years of that means you'll be coughing up £2,640. How much did the items cost? I mean she will be paying interest because she's not clearing the balance every month but that's hardly your fault. I think she has behaved appallingly being Lady Bountiful and then trying to get you to pay for your own gifts. I would be so disgusted that I would have very little to do with her ever again. I think I might pay her for the two items if I could do it without scrimping but I wouldn't enter into this weird monthly payment for who knows how long. It wouldn't really be about the money for me but just the sheer gall of the woman. This does not sound like the first unpleasant thing she has done either.

How stressful. Especially as DH will have your back, stand firm and refuse to pay. You can't give someone a gift, then expect
them to pay for it plus interest! If she dares insult you, block her - and call the police if she shouts at you in person. I know she is your mother, which makes this hard; but see her for what she is - a horrible woman who would see you and your family struggle. Stand up to her for your DC's sake.

I find that a silly amount to spend on those two items, we accepted a donated cot and bought a buggy for 120 quid. It's cheeky but I would not let my mum spend that much on my baby and she just would not offer or think it reasonable, it's a cost for the parents to pick up I think. Would you have spent less if you had to buy it? We spent very little as we got so little help from our two families.

Some of my extended family are like this - complicated relationships, offering help/withdrawing help, weird loans with unclear terms that suddenly get called in, asking for small loans themselves, demands for payments for things that apparently were gifted. Owing each other money is a way of keeping control, requiring people to stay in touch and maintain relationships, as well as a way of demonstrating to other family members where you are in the hierarchy and playing all sorts of triangulation games ( ' look what I do for them', 'X couldnt manage without me' ' X is flakey/dishonest ). Money is a constant playground of drama, supply and manipulation.
I can see the behavior is learned, from a complex family situation and serves a lot of needs, its much easier for the individuals concerned to keep everyone enmeshed with this behavior than deal with the issues of relationships and self, but its pretty dysfunctional, I think fear based and is used to stop people moving relationships on or setting boundaries

I have made a very direct choice not to be involved in any way and refuse all loans/gifts pleasantly, and if I'm asked for money either refuse or give it in a way that makes it clear its a gift that I never mention again. This drives one particular family member deranged as while I am happy to have a relationship with her she has no holds on me - and she gets quite frantic when Ive gently turned down loans or offers in the past.

I would make an effort to pay your mother off on the credit card and then never discuss money again, no gifts or loans, no letting her pay for things when she offers. It will cost now but getting out of the enmeshment is priceless.

You can't take a pram back after 6 months use.

Id want to be in control of it being paid back & not racking up interest. You will be paying it ages otherwise.

Can you get your own 0% credit card and get balance transferred and pay it down directly yourself.

Talk to your DH and see if there's any way to rustle up the amount & pay it directly off your mum's credit card.

See if your bank might have a 0% overdraft you could use