Things DP said to me while on holiday

[noodlewoo]

Commented on what I was wearing to the airport. He said “you could have made more of an effort. “look at all these girls wearing trendy clothes. You need to start wearing clothes like that” I mean we literally had just got to the airport to go on holiday. Not a great start

Then when we got there he continued to point out what other women were wearing. “I like those gym leggings and sets” Don’t you wish you could wear stuff like that”

Continued to remind me that when we get home I need to get back on my diet. Maybe this is where I’m being sensitive because he said “for your sake not mine”

Then he asked if he thought people would put us together. Wasn’t sure what he meant so I asked him. He said well do you think people would think either of us were punching.

I sometimes have trouble with my back where it “goes” We were on a boat trip and when it was time to get off and stand up I said ouch and told him my back had a little twinge. He said “don’t start”

Then on the morning we were due to go home I came on my period and said I was “angin” for people who don’t know what that means it basically means disgusting

I’ve come home feeling a bit shitty and unloved but I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive. Seems like he possibly doesn’t find me attractive which if that’s the case then fair enough but how would this make others feel?

Bless you, ignore him and get rid of him. You’re worth so much more than this, he clearly thinks he’s “gods gift to woman”. You can do so much better. Look after yourself.

No he shouldn't be doing that either! How do you think that's a compliment?

FFS OP get out now, I have been there and it went from bad to so much worse. DP’s behaviour is disgusting and disrespectful, I’m sorry but he isn’t happy with the way you look and your weight and it will be a problem for him whatever size or appearance you are, this will just continue. Get out now!!!!

Get rid of him not only is he undermining your confidence by comparing you to other women he’s also a letch. You deserve better!

Tell him he's not body beautiful himself and he has many imperfections which you have the decency to keep to yourself. Then tell him to bugger off

He's a bellend.
A nasty bellend.

Get rid, it's very likely you guys will split up anyway, might a well leave on your terms before you catch him screwing around and he destroys all of your self esteem.
It's not good for children to be raised in n an environment where one parent is bullying the other, they learn this behaviour is normal and acceptable and then often replicate that toxic dynamic when they are older in their relationships

Please tell me you have got rid of him. What a total horror. Don't even think for 1 second that he will stop being like this and don't be fooled by moments where he has been "nice" to you.

Just posting again as I didn't see you had 2 children. They will grow up seeing him speak and treat you that way and will think it is ok to do or ok to accept from other people. If you haven't already, I would start getting a contingency plan together to leave as I can imagine it will be more difficult with children. Do you have any friends or family who could support you with this? Do they know how he treats you? And no I don't think you're being oversensitive at all xxxxxx

So sorry to read all of this @noodlewoo .Unfortunately I have had a friend in a similar position. They got together young like you, had a child young (unplanned), got married, had a second child. However I think he always had in the back of his mind what his life would have been like, what he was missing out on etc. and when DC2 was about 12 or 13 he started behaving oddly. Lying about where he was going, not coming straight home after work etc. and then out of the blue he left her. He denied there was anyone else but very quickly was in a relationship with a younger woman he worked with so he is/was reliving his 'youth'. It unfortunately sounds like your DP thinks the grass is greener elsewhere and that he is missing out on something. He also seems to think he's hot stuff making comments about one of you 'punching'. The cheek of him! The long and the short of it is that when couples get together young, one or both of them can have these intrusive thoughts about 'what if?' but it is very unfair of him to verbalise that to you in the way that he has been.

Well don’t actually tell him he’s lucky someone washes his underpants because from today on, op, they don’t.

Please dump/get rid of this awful person. He does not love you, he laughs at you, calls you names, undermines and disrespects you. He clearly doesn't like/find you attractive and wants you to loose weight and wear gym leggings, he regrets being with you and having children at 21 and feels trapped. He is a nasty piece of work, you deserve better, funny how you'll feel better when he's gone, no longer walking on egg shells, more confident and happier. As you have a child with additional needs/,carer for that child your probably exhausted and don't have the time or head space to look after yourself, dump the bastard, and invest in self care and you'll be feeling and looking better in no time x

If I was him, I'd get a food taster.....

he doesn't love you. he doesn't even LIKE you.
he's abusive. it's a well known abuse technique to wear away at your self esteem so that you think you can never do any better than him, and won't dump him however badly he treats you. he's trying to turn you into a meek little doormat that will let him get away with anything.

trust me. not only CAN you do better than him. you WILL do better than him. someone who at least LIKES you for a start. you're too good for him, because he's an abuser.

that shows how much he's already worn you down. you are not being oversensitive. he IS being spiteful, and that's not okay in a relationship. he wants you to think nobody else would ever want you, so you put up with anything he does. which will probably include him cheating on you if it doesn't already. he wants you to forgive him because you think it's put up with that or be alone forever because nobody else would ever want you. that's not true.

He sounds like a complete and utter prick. Does he think he's better than you and you are lucky to have him? If I say my back hurts my DH tells me to sit back and relax and he does all the running around after DC. I'm overweight but if he sees I have on a new or even a different dress I have not worn for a while he always tells me I look beautiful. Your DH could try showing you some love and affection. Whatever happened to love and cherish?

The more information you share the worse he sounds. The sad thing is your DC will see how badly he treats you and thinks it's normal. He is a crap partner and a crap role model. You deserve so much better. My first husband was a bit like yours but not quite as bad. He is my exh for a reason I picked much more carefully the second time.

Excellent point. 👏

That doesn't give him a free license to be abusive to OP. He should discuss things like an adult not like a bully belittling his partner and mother of his DC.

This man sounds truly vile.

OP, ditch him. Seriously you need to keep your charitable inclinations to Oxfam and not give this tosser one more moment of your life. He is miserable and controlling and you deserve much, much better. Get some legal advice and go and get the life that you want - there are lovely people out there, surround yourself with them. Cut Mr Tosspot loose and be prepared for some whining and backpedalling when he realises what he has lost.

@noodlewoo 2 things

1. You are NOT being over sensitive, he is actively trying to make you feel bad.
2. Not read your other thread, but I was a SAHM for 10 years, due to our circumstances. Once circumstances changed I went to work PTfor 6 months then FT.

right. my husband slathers my back with deep heat roll on any time I ask, and scratches any itches I can't reach. complaining that you are being unreasonable to even mention you are in pain is a massive red flag on top of all the others.

So essentially, he's rude, insensitive and gaslights you.
What's the point of him?

You'd be a lot happier without this negativity.

right. he'd probably laugh, say you look ridiculous, like you're trying too hard, or that you're mutton dressed as lamb.
because the point isn't that he wants her to make more of an effort with her looks. it's that he wants her to feel bad about them

Look up gaslighting. I agree this is what he’s doing and tell him your feelings are valid. If he won’t change then you must change, either lose you identity and self esteem and become a doormat or leave him and control your own destiny and self worth