Cutting off MIL...am I in the wrong?

[insomniac1994]

I've decided to cut off contact with my MIL. I just need to know if I've made the right decision.

My fiance (her son) and I have been together for 2 years and a 9 month old baby. Throughout pregnancy and the first few weeks of having my baby my MIL was amazing and we really got on well. However the last few months she hasn't made any effort to see her granddaughter or even asked how she is. I post a lot updates about her on social media for family and she never interacts or let's me know how proud she is of her granddaughter. The last time she contacted me it was to criticise my daughters sleeping arrangement. I'd taken a photo of my baby sitting in her crib, and she criticised we had the cot next to plug sockets. I told her they'd be covered and I couldn't place the cot anywhere else due to the layout of the bedroom.

Now it's been the end of my maternity leave and the only childcare I can get is with nursery. However I can't get funded hours until Jan so my fiance and I have to pay for her nursery fees. My fiance and I were worried as we just can't afford the fees. He spoke to his Mum about it and she agreed to pay for her nursery and we'd pay her back.

I sent a message to my MIL and I said I'd talk to her closer to the time when invoices are due to arrange payments, paying her back etc. She agreed. I then messaged her closer to the time for the invoice and she said she's currently on holiday for the next few weeks so not to contact her. I again said it's about our daughters nursery fees. Again she reminded me not to message her because she has no signal and was very passive aggressive.

I then told my fiance about what had happened and he was very angry. His Mum has a habit of wanting to help but then taking it back.

We both knew our babies nursery fee would be due so my fiance suggested we asked for help from his Dad instead. I agreed there was no other option so I agreed. His Dad said he'd pay and we would pay him back in due course.

I then get a passive aggressive message from MIL a few days later asking why another family member is telling her my fiances Dad is paying for her nursery now and again told me off for contacting her while she's on holiday. I said I hadn't spoken to anyone else about it and I wasn't contacting her because she was on holiday and I was planning on talking to her when she got back.

I then got a nasty message back saying she will no longer help me with my daughter again and to not to play games she doesn't want to be involved in what we are planning. Even when my fiance (her own son!) tried to explain it again she accused him as well of playing games.

I've tried my best to bite my tongue to keep up a goodish relationship for the sake of my daughter but this is the final nail in the coffin. I was in tears yesterday and I told my fiance I had enough and I want to be no contact now I won't stop MIL from seeing my daughter but I won't be around when she is at our home.

I feel bad for doing this but it's just not been good for months. Am I in the wrong for this?

OP has already made other arrangements so your UC suggestion has absolutely nothing to do with her post about going NC following her MILs reaction.

Yes there are 2 sides to the story same as for every single pair on mumsnet and yes I have read the other thread that many of you keep pulling up like it makes OP some horrible monster or something, it doesn't.

Unless you have proof that OP is lying there is no justification for MILs reaction at all.

So should people not post practical advice? I'd rather know if I was entitled to some financial support towards childcare rather than borrowing money that will need to be repaid

I'm all for MIL bashing usually but you're being unreasonable here OP

She has no obligation to look after your baby, no obligation to pay for nursery fees, no obligation to respond while she's on holiday. It's your baby and your and your DP's responsibility.

Again that is not the point of this thread, she she already said they will be able to afford it with the funded hours.

And if your intention was to let them know what they are re entitled to, your came out the wrong way because it was blaming OP while trying to justify why MIL may have said what she said.

YABU and you sounds like hard work.

I'm not being horrible to OP, but OP is only putting the very bare minimum of information and it isn't telling anything from MILs point of view OR from her own fiance's point of view.. which means she isn't considering anything from their points of view.. only her own.

All the stuff you just put above is basically broken biscuits, no one knows any of that because the only snippets of information that are being given are being given with absolutely zero context.. usually when that happens, it's because the OP is only interested in telling 'their truth' and don't really consider that there may be more sides to the story.. which was abundantly clear when OP neglected to mention that she 'fell out with' MIL before the baby was born and hasn't had a relationship with her since.. it changes the narrative from what she said originally of a loving MIL who she had a great relationship with who suddenly changed for no reason.

MIL could be a horrible person, in which case why are they asking her for money anyway? or relying on her? Or it could be a bit of both, bad MIL and bad relationship with OP, none of it makes much sense in the context that OP has given in fairness.

She has no obligation to but she offered simple.

This is not about if she has an obligation to or not, OP has not said she is upset because MIL didn't want to help. The issue is not only did MIL offer to help look after the baby then changed her mind, then offer to pay the nursery fees until they can pay back and then leave them hanging, but that she got upset that they got someone else to help.

Many mothers and MIL help their children with childcare, house reposts etc so I don't get this narrative of there is no obligation there OP is BU.

Would bloody love to hear the MIL side of things.

Please don't reply to anymore of my posts. You are reading/misinterpreting everything incorrectly and it's tiresome to have to keep repeating this.

I'm not sure if you're just being obtuse. It's a fairly new relationship so she is learning about her MIL and how flaky she is.

Yes she fell out with MIL, if your argument is MIL was not going to pay anymore why is she upset that someone else is helping? Please answer this simple question.

Then stop accusing OP while making things up.

Quite honestly the only person on this thread making things up is you....

Well I have experience of this because my mum offered to help us with childcare and then retracted it...

At first I was pissed off, but then I thought about it - it's not up to my mum to look after my baby, it's my responsibility. My mum is saying it because she desperately wants to help, but hadn't thought about how much it would be for her at her age.

Ultimately, she's raised three kids, she doesn't have to raise any more. I don't resent her for offering and then taking it back and leaving us in the lurch - she's already spent the majority of her life raising me and my siblings.

So yes, having been in her situation, I think the OP is being unreasonable

Hi folks

Please can we have a bit of peace and love now? Further derailment will be deleted.

Yes I see your point but the difference is if MIL changed her mind about helping them she should have had a mature conversation with her son or both of them to let them know instead of having a go at OP when she reached out.

In addition MIL has no right to get upset when they found someone else to help, that's why your point doesn't work. If your argument is MIL may have changed her mind then why was she upset when someone else helped them?

And FYI OP and her fiancee needed help I told January not indefinitely, and they didn't insist or also MIL, she offered.

You cannot argue that MIL has every right to change her mind which she does while trying to justify MIL getting upset that they got someone else to helpm

So why make the promise? And why pretend its because she is “on holiday “ that she can’t pay the money?

I don’t think this is the full story. I think we are getting a very one sided view in order to agree with the poster and make the MIL wrong.

Also being mean or unreasonable or unkind isn’t abuse. This word is being thrown around incorrectly for affect.

No she has no obligation but like I've explained she offered. I didn't ask her she offered on her own whim. I was very thankful. It then comes to the time to sort it and she takes the help back. My error is believing she wanted to help. But I'm not responsible for her awful behavior.

Please explain how that helps.

I can't answer that, there is no context and direct contradictions to what she put on her previous threads, so it is purely guesswork why MIL was annoyed obviously

This thread:
I've never asked her for money nor ever borrowed from her

Previous thread:
She has helped out money wise, but she never really spends any quality time with us.

OP is purposely missing out information that could go a long way to explain the problems in relationship, and why MIL is reacting the way she is now, money being previously borrowed, OP falling out with her, not really having a relationship to speak of, OP being the one asking for money now even though she isn't really talking to MIL (where is the fiance in all that??).

But in all honesty, between her last thread and this thread I think it's obvious that OP had high expectations of her MIL (probably based on their relationships while she was pregnant) but since she fell out with her, that hasn't materialised, probably due to a clash of personalities/characters more than anything, but blaming it all on MIL and conveniently leaving out information, seems all very one sided.

Sorry but this comment has really annoyed me! Be happy you have the luxury to pay for your child's nursery fees without help. more like we don't have anyone offering to help and have nobody to ask. We have no choice but to pay ourselves, it's most definitely not a luxury to us and to many people struggling to pay for it.

You say you aren't relying on her for money in one breathe and then saying you can't afford nursery without her in the next - that contradicts each other. If she had never offered childcare and had never offered money, what would your plan have been?

She sounds like she is getting nasty so you should probably step away and give her time to cool off before one of you make a drastic decision you will regret in the long run! I hope you get this sorted, and understand why it is causing you a lot of stress.

Sorry but this comment has really annoyed me! Be happy you have the luxury to pay for your child's nursery fees without help.

Same! As if paying for your kids to be cared for while you work is "a luxury" outgoing 🙄 Just a fucking necessity for most, we just get on with it.

I agree with you that she has no obligation at all. I don’t think many dispute that. The problem is that Mil offered to pay, then went back on it. Op made plans and did sums on this basis and now these plans are out the window. Surely you can see a problem with that?