Cutting off MIL...am I in the wrong?

[insomniac1994]

I've decided to cut off contact with my MIL. I just need to know if I've made the right decision.

My fiance (her son) and I have been together for 2 years and a 9 month old baby. Throughout pregnancy and the first few weeks of having my baby my MIL was amazing and we really got on well. However the last few months she hasn't made any effort to see her granddaughter or even asked how she is. I post a lot updates about her on social media for family and she never interacts or let's me know how proud she is of her granddaughter. The last time she contacted me it was to criticise my daughters sleeping arrangement. I'd taken a photo of my baby sitting in her crib, and she criticised we had the cot next to plug sockets. I told her they'd be covered and I couldn't place the cot anywhere else due to the layout of the bedroom.

Now it's been the end of my maternity leave and the only childcare I can get is with nursery. However I can't get funded hours until Jan so my fiance and I have to pay for her nursery fees. My fiance and I were worried as we just can't afford the fees. He spoke to his Mum about it and she agreed to pay for her nursery and we'd pay her back.

I sent a message to my MIL and I said I'd talk to her closer to the time when invoices are due to arrange payments, paying her back etc. She agreed. I then messaged her closer to the time for the invoice and she said she's currently on holiday for the next few weeks so not to contact her. I again said it's about our daughters nursery fees. Again she reminded me not to message her because she has no signal and was very passive aggressive.

I then told my fiance about what had happened and he was very angry. His Mum has a habit of wanting to help but then taking it back.

We both knew our babies nursery fee would be due so my fiance suggested we asked for help from his Dad instead. I agreed there was no other option so I agreed. His Dad said he'd pay and we would pay him back in due course.

I then get a passive aggressive message from MIL a few days later asking why another family member is telling her my fiances Dad is paying for her nursery now and again told me off for contacting her while she's on holiday. I said I hadn't spoken to anyone else about it and I wasn't contacting her because she was on holiday and I was planning on talking to her when she got back.

I then got a nasty message back saying she will no longer help me with my daughter again and to not to play games she doesn't want to be involved in what we are planning. Even when my fiance (her own son!) tried to explain it again she accused him as well of playing games.

I've tried my best to bite my tongue to keep up a goodish relationship for the sake of my daughter but this is the final nail in the coffin. I was in tears yesterday and I told my fiance I had enough and I want to be no contact now I won't stop MIL from seeing my daughter but I won't be around when she is at our home.

I feel bad for doing this but it's just not been good for months. Am I in the wrong for this?

I think you were being very unreasonable and expecting a lot from your mother in law.
Going no contact when she has been trying to help you seems extreme and I am struggling to understand what she has done wrong. Telling you she has limited reception because she is on holiday and not being able to respond to your messages asking for money while she is away seems reasonable.

I disagree massively

youre making a hell of a lot of assumptions for sure.

This is utter bullshit.

Yes it's not grandparents responsibility to pay for nursery but the fact is she offered to pay the same way many other parents offer to help their children with childcare costs, tuition fees, deposit for a house, help look after children etc. The fact she made the offer and they accepted means everything you've said makes no sense.

If as you said she can't afford it anymore then say so. What does "don't call me for the next few weeks I'm on vacation" have to do with her not being able to help anymore?

How the hell is it irrelevant that she said she would help? So she said I will borrow you money to pay nursery fees, let me know when the invoice is due. OP reaches out hey MIL invoice is due and your view is it doesn't matter that she promised to help and OP is wrong for asking her when the invoice was due? And that makes sense to you? And OP decided to reach out to someone else to help and the same MIL who you are claiming maybe she couldn't afford it gets upset that they got someone else to help? Please explain help your post makes any sense.

Yes OP and her fiancee could have been better prepared but she not the point, the point is they thought they were covered until the funded hours roll in and she left them hanging and then and the freaking nerve to get upset that they got someone else to help them.

And the offer to pay came after she pulled out from her original offer to look after the child. And now the same freaking MIL is not threatening to fire her son. What a gem of a woman.

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

The OP and her DP needed money.

MIL offered to lend them money, then didn't follow through when it was needed, so they have now borrowed the money they needed from somewhere else instead.

You really need to apply common sense before you post.

They can't afford the full fees and funded hours don't start until January so they needed a way to handle it until January while she returns to work.

MIL offered to look after the child a few days a week until January then changed her mind. Then she offered to pay and they pay her back with the agreement for OP to reach out when the invoice was due.

She reached out when the invoice was due and MIL gets upset that she's on vacation and she should not contact her for a few weeks. Obviously the invoice is due and cannot wait while MIL enjoys her multi week no contact vacation so OP and fiancee ask his father to help which he did and MIL then gets upset asking why she is hearing that someone else has paid.

It's not that hard.

And the horrible MIL is not threatening to fire her son who works for her business.

But your mother in law is also a mother.
And supporting someone doesn't always agreeing with everything they say.. I am sorry you are finding things difficult but perhaps she is also finding the relationship difficult

I'm not making any assumptions. OP has posted that she walked out on her son as a child, and that her DP says that she has form for offering to help and take it back.

As to why she's causing a stink now, I'm not assuming anything, I'm suspecting something, which is why I used the word "suspect ".

She does sound unreliable. She wants to look like a great grand-mother but first she withdraws the offer to look after your baby and then offers to pay for nursery (with a plan for you to pay her back) and then won't let you contact her when the fees need to be paid.

She's obviously pissed off because your fiance's dad will be paying instead. Just pull back from her for now and see if things settle down.

Is he on a proper contract? He might be able to make a claim for unfair dismissal.

She does sound like a dreadful person. I feel sorry for your fiance having such a vindictive mum.

Edited wrong post quoted

Are you quoting the wrong post, that was in response to @Cerealkiller4U

She MIL sounds like a terrible mother if she is threatening to fire her own son.

I have no idea what you are talking about perhaps read the post again where did I mention anything about the mother in law saying she couldn't afford it?
From my reading the mother in law offered to help. She has form for offering and rescinding offers of help later so I wouldn't have relied on it.
You have also assumed the op thought she could get funded hours she didn't say this only that they don't start until January. Perhaps take your own advice?

You say MIL has form for offering then rescinding help so you'd be unwise to rely on her for anything - especially childcare. Do check whether you might qualify for UC or any other benefit to help with costs until January.
I'd also see if your DF can start looking for a new job elsewhere as I'd not be happy that she's threatening to sack him.

Wow mother of year award goes to MIL for her outstanding achievements in abandoning her own child, flaking on her grandchild and then threatening to sack her son 🏆

Your DH needs to look for another job. Don't allow this woman to be in a position of power over your family again.

She has form for offering and rescinding which is what they have found out with this experience so it's unfair to accuse her of being wrong for believing the grandmother would help when she offered to. As I adviced OP she doesn't have to cut he off but keep her at arms length and have absolutely no expectations from her.

However I can't get funded hours until Jan so my fiance and I have to pay for her nursery fees

Is your argument that the funded hours is not guaranteed therefore OP is wrong and MIL is right? Seriously???

Btw the amazing MIL you're defending is now threatening to fire her son, she is a horrible controlling person.

Also OP while disappointed was not going NC because MIL didn't help but because of MILs angry messages when she found out that someone else had helped. That's the issue. If she is not willing to help anyway WTH is she upset that her ex husband is helping?

There is no way you can justify MILs reaction and response. If you give someone your word to help you stick to it, it conditions have changed and you can't help anymore you handle it maturely and speak to them but MIL choose to berate them for contacting her while on vacation when it's obvious paying the nursery bill is imminent and the has the guts to get upset when they seek help from someone else.

Obviously the invoice is due and cannot wait while MIL enjoys her multi week no contact vacation

We don't know that... op only said she 'contacted her closer to the time', if I was MIL and this bill wasn't due until I got back from holiday, I'd tell them not to keep pestering me on holiday about it if it could wait, I'd be miffed if they then went behind my back to make alternate arrangements with someone else, just because I wasn't doing things to their (unnecessary) timeline.

OP has a habit of leaving things out of her posts to paint herself in a better light and make her MIL look worse (as her previous thread shows), so who knows the actual truth here.

Either it was due while she was away or, if it was not, OP's DP recognized the signs of his mother flaking out again and didn't want to be left in the lurch.

Really that's your argument? That MILs response was because she doesn't know it's imminent?

What does when the invoice is due mean? OP was returning to work and nursery timing was key. If MIL really wanted to help she could take a few minutes from her freaking vacation and sort it out not tell her don't contact me for a few weeks. That's utter bullshit. Is that how you would reach to your child if they contacted you about the help you offered?

If it wasn't due why was OP and her fiancee scrambling and asking his father to help? And why was MIL the getting upset that they got someone else to help?

How does MIL.kmle the bill isn't due I tol she gets back? Did she ask to confirm? I would accept that if she asked and said ok there is time I will sort it out when I return. But her response was i'm on vacation don't contact me for a few weeks.

But you are desperate to defend the MIL and accuse OP of being horrible that you make up the excuse for MIL that maybe it wasn't due until she returned but reject OPs view that it was imminent 😆

And I've seen her other post and what she said was the similar to many posts on mumsnet where new mothers clash with MIL about taking care of new baby and boundaries etc. noen of that justified MILs horrible reaction so far and infact her reaction shows she is a controlling horrible person. Really she is going to fire her son, WTF???

Mumsnet is a horrible place filled with boomers or rich women who have no sympathy for the working mother. I have no idea why people are being so mean to you.

This woman went back on her word about providing childcare and then paying for childcare, and now shows very little interest in her granddaughter.

You haven’t banned her from seeing your granddaughter but you’re preserving your own mental health by not interacting with her.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I’m sorry you’ve had so much vitriol sent your way.

But if that was the case, it wouldn't be unreasonable of the MIL to want to wait until she got back to sort the bill out, I'd be annoyed if someone was pestering me on holiday unnecessarily.

If the MIL was that flaky, bear in mind that OP hasn't spoke to her properly since the fall out before the child was born, then why would they be relying on her at all?

My point is, there's obviously more to this story, but OP has proved that she is only putting her side across and leaving out any pertinent information which may explain way MIL is not as receptive as she was, she is also ignoring all questions about what her fiance is doing while all this is going on, it is his mother after all, he should be the one asking for money and communicating with her, not OP who actively fell out with her months ago.

No apostrophe needed in Mums...it's a plural

HTH

Edit

I have no idea why you keep misinterpreting my posts I didn't say anything about the funded hours being guaranteed or not?
My suggestion was perhaps the op look into uc and see if she's entitled to claim support for her childcare fees if they are struggling.
There are two sides to every story and we only hear one. Like most posters I'm just here to offer advice/opinion I haven't defended the mil