Cutting off MIL...am I in the wrong?

[insomniac1994]

I've decided to cut off contact with my MIL. I just need to know if I've made the right decision.

My fiance (her son) and I have been together for 2 years and a 9 month old baby. Throughout pregnancy and the first few weeks of having my baby my MIL was amazing and we really got on well. However the last few months she hasn't made any effort to see her granddaughter or even asked how she is. I post a lot updates about her on social media for family and she never interacts or let's me know how proud she is of her granddaughter. The last time she contacted me it was to criticise my daughters sleeping arrangement. I'd taken a photo of my baby sitting in her crib, and she criticised we had the cot next to plug sockets. I told her they'd be covered and I couldn't place the cot anywhere else due to the layout of the bedroom.

Now it's been the end of my maternity leave and the only childcare I can get is with nursery. However I can't get funded hours until Jan so my fiance and I have to pay for her nursery fees. My fiance and I were worried as we just can't afford the fees. He spoke to his Mum about it and she agreed to pay for her nursery and we'd pay her back.

I sent a message to my MIL and I said I'd talk to her closer to the time when invoices are due to arrange payments, paying her back etc. She agreed. I then messaged her closer to the time for the invoice and she said she's currently on holiday for the next few weeks so not to contact her. I again said it's about our daughters nursery fees. Again she reminded me not to message her because she has no signal and was very passive aggressive.

I then told my fiance about what had happened and he was very angry. His Mum has a habit of wanting to help but then taking it back.

We both knew our babies nursery fee would be due so my fiance suggested we asked for help from his Dad instead. I agreed there was no other option so I agreed. His Dad said he'd pay and we would pay him back in due course.

I then get a passive aggressive message from MIL a few days later asking why another family member is telling her my fiances Dad is paying for her nursery now and again told me off for contacting her while she's on holiday. I said I hadn't spoken to anyone else about it and I wasn't contacting her because she was on holiday and I was planning on talking to her when she got back.

I then got a nasty message back saying she will no longer help me with my daughter again and to not to play games she doesn't want to be involved in what we are planning. Even when my fiance (her own son!) tried to explain it again she accused him as well of playing games.

I've tried my best to bite my tongue to keep up a goodish relationship for the sake of my daughter but this is the final nail in the coffin. I was in tears yesterday and I told my fiance I had enough and I want to be no contact now I won't stop MIL from seeing my daughter but I won't be around when she is at our home.

I feel bad for doing this but it's just not been good for months. Am I in the wrong for this?

Withdrawing an offer of help is not a nice thing to do. You could probably have made other arrangements if you knew she was going to do this.

They have now made other arrangements and it's caused MIL to become abusive.

I totally agree with you here. Such a nasty bunch some of them

Indeed. I should have replied to one of the posts accusing the OP for "not planning".

She sounds like a horrible controlling person.

This is the notice for you and your fiancee to start making plans to separate yourselves and be independent from her. People like this thrive on having you under their control. You trying to go NC with her or put boundaries in place while he is still working for her will lead to many issues.

You can try to smooth things over for the short term but start working on future plans asap. I really hope your fiancee sees how unreasonable and ridiculous his mother is and is not one of those men who is unable to stand up to his mother while throwing you under the bus to keep her happy.

What's the relationship between MIL and her ex husband like? Is it the fact that he made the payment that upset her if there was bad blood between them? Not that it justifies her reaction but I was curious.

What is the backstory with MIL and FIL? Why did she react so abusively to hearing the news that FIL is paying?

They are supporting you. They dont agree with you.

After reading your update, I probably would go nc with her now. That's insane, threatening your fiancé's job over a mild disagreement that you've tried to fix.

Your fiancé needs a new job ASAP. Even if she backtracks, you can never trust her again. She doesn't care about her grandchild at all if she's willing to do that. I would be done with her.

Well if you don’t need her finances then don’t be concerned if she withdraws them

going no contact for something you don’t even need is stupid.

Lesson learned, always sort your own childcare. Grandparents should be for fun times anyway.

She does sound like she enjoys pushing and pulling so yanbu to limit your time spent with her. Take her actions with a huge pinch of salt - you don’t need to even respond. Just “oh okay”.

But your previous messages said you didn’t even need the money. You only took it because she offered?

have I reread that wrong?

I'd be interested to know how you think you're 'sorting it out' OP, sounds like you're making things worse.

Why are you still getting involved? It was you falling out with her in the first place which has prompted this difficult relationship, why can't you just let you fiance handle things, especially seeing as he works for her.

Why can't you just let him sort it?

I think its more MIL being abusive that's making the OP want to cease contact with her.

I mean when has she abused them?

@insomniac1994

ahh. There’s a little more to this story and I am so so confused

going NC with someone who employs your fiance that might make things very very difficult for him as you. I’m not saying to put up with stuff. But I think you might need to take a step back and just let him sort it from
now on for a while.

Yes, you have read that wrong. The OP and her DP need the money. You seem to have got confused because the OP didn't specifically ask MIL for the money, MIL offered it.

Your MIL sounds nasty BUT you and your husband should have had a plan for this before baby was born. There are always big expenses when having a child. It's not for your PIL to do this.

The nasty messages because MIL learned they got help from someone else.

Nasty messages that she was sending the OP, and not her own son, for some reason.

What abuse?

People keep banding that around without any real examples, apart from MIL questioning letting the baby sleep next to plug sockets, not commenting on facebook and asking to be left alone while on holiday.

I'd be very interested to know if the nursery fees were actually due while MIL was on holiday or could it have been dealt with when she got back? it would explain why she asked OP not to keep contacting her about it while she way away and getting annoyed that they then chose to go someone else to get money before MIL got back.

I mean she told them that she found out they went to someone else from someone else and the fact that that upset her and she doesn’t want to help anymore

shit yes. Abusive? Not so sure myself.

OP is also accusing people on here of being nasty to her..

Just because people don't agree with how she has handled things, or have offered a different viewpoint from MIL point of view.

Just saying...

Childcare or the payment of it is not for grandparents to manage - you are the parents. Have you checked if you are entitled to Universal credit help? It's irrelevant what she said she would help with things can change quickly my mum helped me out so much for 1st few years of my child's life unfortunately she became unwell and died before my child was school age.
I also find your reason of wanting to cut her off that she hasn't contacted you to tell you how proud they are of baby a little odd - I've never heard of any1 doing that and some people just have busy lives that mean they dont feel need to constantly interact with social media posts

She wrote this. Plus a reply that was just deleted

I've never asked her for money nor ever borrowed from her

Ok….

so if my father offers me 2000. But I never once asked for 2000

that means that actually I needed that 2000?

I'm fine to settle on "nasty messages" rather than "abusive messages", if you like.

What I strongly suspect is going on here is a woman who walked out on her own child when she was a mother, and who has a long history of offering support then not following through, is jumping at an opportunity to paint herself as the wronged party when she lets her child down again.