DH won’t pay into children’s savings accounts

[CocoMaroon]

DH and I have separate bank accounts, I work part time on a low wage and DH is a much higher earner (£47k) When our children were born I opened savings accounts for them and make sure I put in any left over birthday money, Christmas money etc and I pay in an amount each month out of my own account.

Since they were born I have asked my husband to set up a standing order from his account (alongside mine) and he’s not bothered. Our oldest is now 13 and when I think of how much more could be in his account if DH had been paying money in.

He says he never gets around to it, never has the chance, I’ve begged him, nagged him, walked him to their bank so he could set it up, he took the details promising he would do it that evening. That was a year ago 😡

My parents have recently set up an account for our children and were telling us about it yesterday- I said to DH that I wished he would pay something into their accounts. He walked up to me later and whispered in my ear “do not embarrass me like that again”

AIBU??

You need to sit down together and look at the monthly budget. Stop seeing it as his pay and your pay. It’s ALL both of yours’ pay. Pay all income into joint one account. Pay all bills. What is left - decide what to save, what to give equally to both of you to spend as you like. You could put 100£ or whatever depending on what is left into kids accounts each month. Sounds like you don’t have a proper budget to me and the mentality is too individual on both sides. You are married and a family. One pot. Joint priorities. Good luck @CocoMaroon

We are in social housing.

Then taking a year to get round to it is starting to beggar belief!

Maybe take a Saturday morning or some time when you have hours available or at least a full half an hour available and do it then.

If he's genuine, I don't understand how he can have an excuse if you are sitting right there waiting for him to do it. Make it a point of contention if it's important to you, don't just "live with" it, because that's how it's gone on this long.

YABU.

You've accepted a very unequal financial situation where you work part-time (and take on a majority of the unpaid labour, including the care of his son, which enables him to continue to be successful in his career) and he keeps the money you enable him to earn.

That's your choice, it wouldn't be mine.

He's made it clear he has no intention of saving for your children. He's not procrastinating, it takes about 2 minutes to set up a standing order. He doesn't want to spend his money on that, and considering that you have agreed to a "my money/your money" split, he's entitled to do that.

He doesn't sound like a very nice person to me.

Reading all of your posts @CocoMaroon actually you really need to have this conversation about family income. Why oh why oh why are you paying 50% of the rent..!!! For gods sake pool your finances. This is a ridiculous set up for a married couple and he sounds like he doesn’t really want to support you or is resentful in some way. Sit down and have this discussion and reorganise so it is a shared pot for everyone. You are married!!

So you live in a rented property and have a child whose disability means they will need support throughout their life. I suggest that you start saving for a deposit for your own house sharpish as you’d be far better off financially as owners rather than renters in your later years.

As a few posters have mentioned, it’s possible to save for your DCs without paying money into an account which they control. It’s too easy for the money to be frittered away in those circumstances.

I have savings accounts for my two DCs but I control them. My DCs also have their own accounts and birthday and Xmas money go into those. But in terms of having money to meet their future needs: those are my savings for them, not savings which they control.

My paternal grandmother had made savings accounts for my sister and me and we had £600 in each of them. That’s a tidy sum now but this was the late 1980s so it was worth even more then. I wasn’t really responsible enough to suddenly have that kind of money and I frittered it away.

You squandered the money at 18.

my child squandered hers at 18.
most children I know when given a lump sum at 18 squander it.

so I’m with you DH. I wouldn’t save for children to be given a lump sum or access to thousands at 18. The vast vast majority are not mature enough to spend it wisely

An example of how he has good intentions but never gets around to stuff is him buying a new toilet seat as our old one was broken and him promising to put it on “tomorrow”

It sat in the airing cupboard for 5 years 🙈

YABU
If he is paying for most other things then what's the problem?
YABU to bring it up in front of your parents too if he is uncomfortable with it. How much he pays in to where is non of their business. That should be between you two.

Children can manage without savings accounts, it's not an essential. As long as all their needs are being met. It would be 'nice' for them to have a pot of money but not essential. £47k isn't exactly millions either.

When they are old enough they can get jobs and fill their own savings accounts.

Scrooge has no intentions of putting anything into tour childrens bank accounts, he's as tight as a ducks rear end.

His actions and his words demonstrate this.

I’ve never understood this obsession with putting money into children’s names so they can access it at 18, if he’s not putting it in their accounts then he’s either saving it in his own name in which case he can give them it if/when he chooses or he’s spending it so he doesn’t have it to save anyway.

He needs to prioritise his savings, never mind childrens!

TBH it sounds like he isn't good with money and sees it all as his.

Can't believe you are expected to pay have the rent etc when he has 3x as much net income.

Sorry I think YABU

I get that you can't work due to having a disabled child but £47k is NOT a huge wage to be supporting a family of 4....do you know he can afford to put in or do you just assume he can because to you £47k is a big wage?? Because unless you know the ins and outs to the penny of your household finances you really can't complain

So in that sense he should also make it clear to the kids that he pays for most other stuff not the mum?

It's a very childish attitude.

Surely that's an example of how you both decided to live with a broken toilet seat, rather than just sticking the new one on?

Being able to make regular savings for your children is a luxury rather than a necessity

So why have you never set it up? You are working part time but if he pays most of the hike it doesn’t automatically have to be him to do everything, particularly if it was so important to you for 13 years apparently.

This is the philosophy in our house.

We do put money into kids ISAs but not massive amounts as we'll have no control over what they do with it when they turn 18, it'll be enough for them to have a little pot for something though.

We are saving into our own accounts as well, and hope to in a position to help with life costs as they become adults, but we'd rather gift to them for specific purposes rather than hand over really large pots and risk them frittering it on daft stuff.

Have you sat down with him and properly come up with a strategy for this?

It was really mean to embarrass him in front of your parents though. It sounds like you're both joint contributers to household costs and sounds like you feel he's paying his way as the higher earner too.

It sounds like you took this decision and didn’t consult your DH, why should he be obligated to do this? Maybe he doesn’t agree with you and thinks there are higher priorities. We earn significantly more than you and I work in finance, I wouldn’t recommend putting money into accounts for kids unless you’re so wealthy you’d never have need of that money. It makes much more sense to invest in your own name if you’re saving for University than putting in a cash account in child’s name.

Not necessarily. He possibly just felt it wasn't appropriate that his ILs were being dragged into a family dispute.

Presumably you earn less than he does because you are facilitating his career

This old chestnut again. £47k is not a huge salary. OP works pt due to childcare and a disabled child, her husband works full time to feed and clothe everyone. Not to pursue some high flying career. They are both facilitating the operation of family life