DH won’t pay into children’s savings accounts

[CocoMaroon]

DH and I have separate bank accounts, I work part time on a low wage and DH is a much higher earner (£47k) When our children were born I opened savings accounts for them and make sure I put in any left over birthday money, Christmas money etc and I pay in an amount each month out of my own account.

Since they were born I have asked my husband to set up a standing order from his account (alongside mine) and he’s not bothered. Our oldest is now 13 and when I think of how much more could be in his account if DH had been paying money in.

He says he never gets around to it, never has the chance, I’ve begged him, nagged him, walked him to their bank so he could set it up, he took the details promising he would do it that evening. That was a year ago 😡

My parents have recently set up an account for our children and were telling us about it yesterday- I said to DH that I wished he would pay something into their accounts. He walked up to me later and whispered in my ear “do not embarrass me like that again”

AIBU??

I think any disagreement you have between you both should be kept private and not aired in public. He obviously isn't going to do it so best not mention it again except say to your kids it was you that saved it.

Yes I think that’s what I’m going to have to do.

In that case do you think the DH should tell his kids that he pays the majority of the bills?

You were out of order to raise this in front of your parents.

47k is not a lot of money to support a family.

Maybe next time his parents are over he could tell you, in front of them, that he wishes you contributed more financially to the running of the household. Would you be ok with that?

I am amazed at how many people in this thread are having a go at you, OP. For the person who said he might be looking for some financial autonomy, please note the OP says they have separate current accounts.
He has said he would pay into savings accounts for the children, but hasn't done so. If he thinks having the accounts is the wrong strategy for supporting his DC when they face a number of costs as young adults then he should say so, and explain this.

OP, I think you deserve a bit of sympathy, it's not very fair of your DH to commit to do this and then just not bother.

Agree with Pp 47k is a very small amount to support two adults and 2 children mortgage/cars/phones/utilities/council tax etc etc.

How much do you contribute?

Total tangent to the main discussion: do you anticipate that your disabled child will be unable to work full-time, or will need to remain in non-advanced education longer than usual, and therefore might rely on government help after they are 18?

If so, you might consider putting the money which is being saved for your children into an account which is not in their name, and suggesting your parents do likewise. Once the kids reach 18, money they have in their own name could prevent them from claiming means-tested benefits such as Universal Credit. In addition, as another poster mentioned, there's a risk they will squander the money once they are able to access it.

I would happily contribute more financially if he could come up with a solution for someone to be there every morning to see our children off to school, pick them up and be there every weekend etc.

Maybe yes.

Thread is bonkers.

You are married and working part time to take care of your shared child. You should be able to discuss money together, especially if he has more left after the basic bills than you do.

It doesn't have to lead to this specific kind of savings, but wishing to have a discussion and a shared plan to some extent isn't too much in a marriage

Families manage on a lot less.

OP does your DH give you money if you ask for it? You could ask for £60 each month and just put it in the kids savings account yourself. Or get him to do a standing to you instead if he doesn't want to do the kids savings admin.

That’s a very good point. I know I squandered my savings when I turned 18! When I think of what I could have done with that money now!

A very good point about how the savings might affect our sons Universal Credit etc, due to his high level of needs he will need lifetime support.

Both savings accounts are in his name.

First of all, £47k isn’t a high income for someone with teen children. Myself and Dh earned around £65K when our Dc were teens - we didn’t have a great deal of spare cash and what we did have went towards our pensions. he’s doing absolutely nothing wrong.
However, embarrassing him in front of your parents was just awful! I’d be livid if my DH did this to me. Which he wouldn’t because he’s a nice person and loyal husband.

She earns less than him because she chose to work part time despite having teen children. Don’t infantilise her by pretending he made her do it to ‘further his own career’.

You should be able to talk about money. Your views on savings do not trump his however.

But I would be majorly ticked off if he swore he would do something and then didn’t do it. One off mistake sure no biggie, but here he’s going “yeah yeah sure” multiple tines and then not doing it. So it’s passive, bad faith, and that would annoy me.

He’s allowed to disagree but it’s crappy communication not to have that discussion directly.

I’m a single parent so I’m the only one earning, and I earn similar to what your husband does (used to earn more before reducing hours). My financial contribution to my children is that I house them, clothe them, feed them, buy them what they need and much of what they want, I keep the house warm and lit, and take them on holiday, and so on. I never had a savings account for them. Doesn’t make me a bad parent. It’s just a different way of spending money on the kids. And actually, I’d argue it’s better for me to spend the money on sensible stuff now, than for the kids to get a lump sum on turning 18 and spend it on beer!

Do you think he is pretending he will set up to put you off or do you think he is genuine and just not prioritising it?

If you think he's genuinely pretending he'll do it and has no intention of doing so, then you need to discuss that and get him to tell you directly how he feels about it, one way or another.

Honesty it's important.

If you believe he's just deprioritising it (possible, but seems less likely to me), just allocate a time for it and then at that time, sit there with him while he does it in front of you. Don't take no for an answer.
Refuse other basic interactions with him until it's complete.

I’m on £12K and contribute most of my wages towards bills, food, half the rent and children’s activities etc.

They're already getting money from their grandparents and the OP.

If the OP and her DH have separate money, she shouldn't be trying to control what he does with his.

If they just have a family income, then the money she's putting away is from both parents anyway.

If you believe he's just deprioritising it (possible, but seems less likely to me), just allocate a time for it and then at that time, sit there with him while he does it in front of you. Don't take no for an answer. Refuse other basic interactions with him until it's complete.

Err, isn't this abuse?

If you’re renting I’d be putting any disposable income into saving to buy a house, unless you’re lucky enough to have social housing.

Absolutely it is.

I believe he’s honest in his intention to pay into their accounts. He’s just rubbish at actually getting around to doing stuff. He’s a massive procrastinator! Similar about jobs around the house, doing something with the kids, booking stuff etc, it’s always that he will do it “tomorrow”