DH won’t pay into children’s savings accounts

[CocoMaroon]

DH and I have separate bank accounts, I work part time on a low wage and DH is a much higher earner (£47k) When our children were born I opened savings accounts for them and make sure I put in any left over birthday money, Christmas money etc and I pay in an amount each month out of my own account.

Since they were born I have asked my husband to set up a standing order from his account (alongside mine) and he’s not bothered. Our oldest is now 13 and when I think of how much more could be in his account if DH had been paying money in.

He says he never gets around to it, never has the chance, I’ve begged him, nagged him, walked him to their bank so he could set it up, he took the details promising he would do it that evening. That was a year ago 😡

My parents have recently set up an account for our children and were telling us about it yesterday- I said to DH that I wished he would pay something into their accounts. He walked up to me later and whispered in my ear “do not embarrass me like that again”

AIBU??

I have! I pay in an amount for both children out of my own account each month. I have done this since they were babies. The issue is that DH promised he would too.

My exH was awful at doing things. Just never got round to doing them even though he found time to sit and game on his phone for hours. Was incredibly frustrating. I did anything I could but some things can only be done by the named individual. I can empathise OP.

There’s your answer. You didn’t marry a saver; you married a man who spends every penny he earns. He sounds like he’s not willing to change either.

£47k high income?

I think that depends on things like the area you live, how much rent/mortgage you pay, other living costs.

Every family has varied cost of living.

Honestly OP, I think you're out of line here. I'd be fuming if you'd made me look tight fisted infront of your parents when I paid the majority of bills.

Don't get me wrong, we save a tenner each month in an account for our DD that we can't touch, but the rest is saved in an account we can access. What's the use having thousands in an account for your children if your DH lost his job?

You need to wind your neck in before yoh end up causing big issues in your marriage

As others have said, you need to think really carefully about saving into your children’s names. My older two are 19 and 18 and although they are lovely people, my 19 year old would’ve bought the fastest car he could for the cheapest amount of money (and then expected me to pay for repairs), and my 18 year old would’ve treated her friends in the pub every weekend. I would’ve spent years saving, only for them to blow it all.

Much better to save in your own name so you can help out when they need it - they will also appreciate it more !

@Ibloodylovetea I'm sorry, but £47K is a high income. I'm a manager in a civil service dept (DWP Jobcentre) - manage 12 people & only earn £31k pa.

Do you support a family of 4?

If he whispered fucking orders/threats like that in my ear I'd leave.

If he doesn't think he should be contributing, why is he embarrassed?

It is 47k plus 12k so not a bad income for a family of four.

He's not on a high income, you bring in very little income and you are renting a home.

You don't really have enough to be prioritising 'savings' for your children. You've chosen to put a bit aside - thereby leaving even more of the household expenses to your DH to pay. That's your decision.

I imagine the day to day is enough for your DH without being told he should be putting money aside so your DC have a large pot of money at 18!

I'm old - and in my day parents raised their kids and did their best. There was no expectation that there would be a large savings pot of cash to be handed over the the children upon them reaching adulthood. It's mad. The cost of living nowadays is such that only the pretty wealthy can afford to gift their adult children with large trust funds.

Are you totally incapable of fitting a toilet seat?

47k is high income to some. We support a family of 4 on DH's income of 48. Depends where you live doesn't it.

I think he was embarrassed that he doesn’t earn enough to be able to do this especially when OP and her parents clearly care about it a lot. OP shamed him .

@coffeesaveslives so she should just do everything?

People are allowed to change their mind about something like if its not right for them. Because its not an essential.

If he was change to his mind about paying some important bills then that would a reason for discussion.

Because his wife tried to humiliate him in front of his in-laws by acting as though he doesn't want to support his kids, even though he pays the vast majority of all the bills as well as all their day-to-day expenses as the main earner?

If a man behaved like that in front of his parents towards his wife, there would be cries to LTB for financial and emotional abuse.

She said he doesn’t spend every penny he earns and the ‘extra’ money is just sitting in his account. So savings, essentially.

This. 👍

You sound a bit passive.

It sounds like he agrees in principle that he should be contributing to the savings. You also say this: I’m on £12K and contribute most of my wages towards bills, food, half the rent and children’s activities etc.

So reduce your contribution to the rent by £20 and pay it into the savings. The effect is the same and you don't need to wait for him to take action. He can hardly object if he's already agreed to contribute.

Saving for kids future is wise. But please think carefully about whether it should be in their names. Once they are 18 you have to legally release it to them and will have no control. So you might imagine it will help them at uni and cover driving lessons/ first car but it might end up getting pissed up the wall. (My son did exactly this with his child trust fund - luckily it only had the minimum in it and i suspevt he's also cashed in the premium bonds his grandparents bought him "for his future" though he has nothing to show for it!)

As others have said if your disabled child needs benefits it may prevent them claiming.

And what if you get the chance to buy your council house? You will have to find a deposit and you won't legally be able to use money in your kids names, even if they would benefit!

I don't see a problem with that actually. A good idea for unexpected bills.

Why can’t you just get wrap around care?

It’s very difficult to get appropriate wrap around care for a disabled child

No, my point was that he went out and bought it, but instead of just fitting it herself, she'd rather leave it sitting in a cupboard for five years then use it in an argument about how unorganised he is

If this thread was about a man who worked PT and didn't fit the new toilet seat for five years, everyone would be out with their pitchforks about how lazy he is.

What happens to child benefit? How do you arrange finances?

I think you need to let this go. You have asked and you have embarrassed him Infront of parents - if important to you sort it yourself.

I'm assuming he has mobile banking so it wouldn't take anytime to set up, he just doesn't want to.