To ask what the correct thing to say is when your child asks about someone's disability?

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Today we were at a farm park and my DD (age 3) pointed at a little boy in a special needs chair, one of the ones that supports the head etc.

She asked 'why is he in that? What's that?' I shhed her a bit but she kept asking loudly and repeatedly (the parents definitely heard) and I eventually said that some people use wheelchairs to get around because their legs might not work like yours do. She asked a bit more but they'd walked on by then.

My DH then said in the car on the way home that 'his legs didn't work' was in inappropriate thing to say, but admitted he didn't know what to say either. We agreed we would be horrified if she actually asked the family concerned but should we tell her to mind her own business at her age or try and explain?

It's strange because she actually has a disabled relative in a wheelchair who she seems all the time, and elderly relatives who use mobility scooters and she's never as much as mentioned it so I was a bit taken aback.

I really don't mean to offend anyone so apologies if this posted is badly worded!

Its difficult when little ones start asking about disabilities. I would just say that their bodies don't work as well as they should and they need some extra help???

I think what you said was fine. I'd have said similar...it's simple and factual

Don't worry about shushing a child asking natural questions about what they see. Most questions can be answered truthfully and respectfully.

"some people need more help than others with different things. A wheelchair helps somebody who is not able to walk, so that they can get around and visit places etc. Some people need a chair that helps them to hold their head up as they are not able to do that themselves"

‘He needs it to get around’?

I think what you said is fine

She’s three, of course she’s going to ask questions about something she’s not seen before! She’s not going to understand why you’re telling her not to ask about that but that she can ask what other things are. I (wheelchair user) generally don’t mind if young kids ask me why I use a wheelchair as they may not have come across it before but I also hear kids ask their parents and that’s fine as well. Telling her to mind her own business makes it seem like it’s something shameful and it’s not, though obviously encourage her not to stare or anything. What you said was a perfectly good explanation (it’s the one I often use) though it may be helpful if you start to introduce people who use different mobility/disability aids in picture books just so that she becomes aware of the different things people use to help themselves.

When my 2 asked me about stuff like that when they were younger, I just said things like "All bodies are different and some people need some extra support, like crutches, wheelchairs etc". I try not to say things like "don't work", as I want my daughters to not things disabilities mean 'less than' (especially, since both have ADHD and are Autistic).

This. This is what I used to tell my kids. I'd also frame the wheelchair as a good thing because it means people can get out and about and do the things they want to do which is positive. Rather than acting like its a taboo subject or something embarrassing.

Exactly. Thank goodness attitudes have changed so much since I was a child. You will see a huge variety of people all around you and in media these days and it's much easier to just teach children honestly about what they will encounter and they are naturally so understanding when presented with the facts.

It might be a good idea to get some story books with people of all abilities and shapes and sizes.

I have absolutely loads for my kids and , thankfully, they have never asked anything in public like that as its been something we have had constant information about ds did ask me loudly in a massive queue in Iceland why my boobs were so big though

Please don't worry about your child asking a question about disability. I once did parkrun and use a guide runner. I heard the child behind me ask his mum why I had my friend with me. (we use a tether) I'm beginning to wish I'd thanked the parent. (And probably should have apologised for listening but it was hard not to!)

I've had a child ask me "why are you two tied together?" I was happy to answer this

I'm a wheelchair user, and also tic/ stim in public on occasion. I'm used to tiny children staring at me and I always smile and wave (not adult starers though, they can F off lol).
No need to shush them, children are learning about the world.
Do: explain simply that the person needs it to get around, to hold their head up etc. If they're a kid in the park or a normal place for kids to socialise, I've heard from parents of disabled kids that it's great if kids are encouraged to play and say hi - not as an educational experience, just cos they're all kids and want to play.
Don't: encourage kids to go up to a disabled person and ask what the wheelchair is for/ why they look like that etc. That's awkward for all concerned because the kid is usually too shy and then once they've mustered up the courage/ been pushed forwards I'm only ever going to tell them "it helps me get around" because child or adult, no stranger needs to know my medical details. Plus we want to create adults who don't think it's okay to ask strangers intrusive questions. That's not to say that if your kid asks someone of their own accord that you have to shush them - it's not shameful! Just that afterwards you might want to have a chat about that being one of our inside thoughts.

You say your kid has disabled relatives - so they'll be used to seeing adults in wheelchairs, but maybe not kids? Maybe some books might help, try the Catchpoles' books ("What Happened To You?", "You're so amazing" and "Mama Car"), and Tiffany Hammond "A Day With No Words"

It's going too far to say she shouldn't ask questions but she does need to learn it's not nice to ask loudly within the person's hearing. My late dp had an obvious physical disability and it was a daily occurrence for some kid to ask questions like this in front of him, and whilst understandable when they're little, it does wear you down. Remember this family will get this every day they venture out though so don't worry too much.

What you actually said was fine although we always tried to be disability positive, so something about the wheelchair making it possible for the child to do the activities she can do, like going round the farm.

The people we found hardest work were those who wanted to turn meeting my partner into a teaching moment, instructing their child to come up and ask (often quite intrusive) questions directly, he disliked that, so your response was okay.

Be brief but factual and start to instill some discretion in her. No pointing/shouting. That little boy needs a chair to help him look around the park because his body works differently to yours.

We told the kids that some children got sick when they were growing in their
mummies tummies. Sort of simple enough for them to understand that some people are born with challenges that they did not have.

That sort of makes sense, except not all kids in wheelchairs are "sick", and not all of them would have been disabled from birth, so it doesn't really make sense

I just said to mine, quietly, that some people find walking difficult or impossible, so they use a wheelchair to get around instead. And then further questions were answered with “Not now, we can talk about it later at home”.

At home I’d have explained more about some reasons why someone might have difficulty walking or sitting or holding up their head but also emphasised we don’t know about the reasons for that particular person because it’s none of our business. And also that questions about people’s bodies are fine to ask me about in private but that pointing at people and asking loud questions is rude and not appropriate in public.

Don't tell your kids that people in wheelchairs are sick.

Oh and on books we love "Everybody has a Body" which is funny and not sanctimonious.

I think what you said was fine, and when you caught on the hoof, it’s easy to say something perhaps not quite right.

“Legs don’t work” might not be the most precise description, but on the fly it can be hard to come up with the perfect generic summary.

i always tried to emphasize that it was wonderful that there were devices like wheelchairs and prosthetics that helped people whose bodies worked differently than ours.

One of my children has a disability and sometimes uses a wheelchair. We encounter this quite a lot.

I don’t take offence if parents try their best but I do particularly like it when they emphasise that all mobility aids are exactly that- things designed to help. They might not always be needed but can help that person when they are finding it harder to access an activity.

So avoiding the wheelchair bound/stuck in it angle. Like it’s a prison. It’s a massively helpful bit of kit that lets my child access loads of activities he otherwise might not be able to as his legs aren’t always strong enough to do it without extra help.

If the other child approaches mine or me and asks what’s wrong or what the wheelchair is for I expect the parents to take them away and explain themselves and be clear that whilst asking questions is good it is best not to directly ask the person who is visibly disabled/ using the chair else they might get a bit overwhelmed having everyone ask them when they are busy having a fun day etc.

Oh also, don't be afraid to use the word disability. Obviously it's a bit abstract for very young kids, so it needs further context, but you can say something like "some people have bodies that need help with different things, so they use a wheelchair to get around/ a tablet to talk (or whatever). They are disabled" In your case, "they are disabled like auntie so and so". And then eventually they learn all the things that the concept of disabled encompasses.

I think "his legs don't work like yours do" is not the same as "his legs don't work". And I think it is better to say something than to shush her like it is an embarrassing thing. You don't need to pretend that the wheelchair doesn't exist, because it clearly does.

I think the important thing is not to make assumptions and to keep to statements like "might" - because you don't really know the reason why someone is using a mobility aid.

So perhaps you could say something like "I don't know. Some people do use wheelchairs to get around. It might be that they have trouble walking or get tired easily." Then you're not making any assumptions about that boy specifically, but talking about why people might use wheelchairs.

It's not about things not working well, it's about everyone being different. Some people walk, some don't, the situation should just be normalised.