To ask what the correct thing to say is when your child asks about someone's disability?

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Today we were at a farm park and my DD (age 3) pointed at a little boy in a special needs chair, one of the ones that supports the head etc.

She asked 'why is he in that? What's that?' I shhed her a bit but she kept asking loudly and repeatedly (the parents definitely heard) and I eventually said that some people use wheelchairs to get around because their legs might not work like yours do. She asked a bit more but they'd walked on by then.

My DH then said in the car on the way home that 'his legs didn't work' was in inappropriate thing to say, but admitted he didn't know what to say either. We agreed we would be horrified if she actually asked the family concerned but should we tell her to mind her own business at her age or try and explain?

It's strange because she actually has a disabled relative in a wheelchair who she seems all the time, and elderly relatives who use mobility scooters and she's never as much as mentioned it so I was a bit taken aback.

I really don't mean to offend anyone so apologies if this posted is badly worded!

I’ve told my son it’s rude to ask why someone is in a wheelchair so he doesn’t have to answer anyone.

I don’t think it’s rude to be curious. It’s how it’s asked, but of course different people are entitled to their different views.I think it’s more damaging to the disabled person if they let innocent questions harm their self esteem. The more people who understand differences, the better and more tolerant the world will become.

I agree with pp who said would you talk to the person otherwise if they weren’t in a wheelchair and if the answer is no then it’s probably something to think about.

My son is 8. It isn’t his responsibility to educate others. It’s no one’s business why he’s in a wheelchair.

It's not rude to be curious, but it is rude to express that curiosity without thinking. It's not rude to privately wonder in your own head why someone is bald or has a different skin tone or might be pregnant or fat or tall any other number of different characteristics, but it is rude to stare, point it out, or ask the person concerned. Which is what kids are taught, and what we expect adults to know. There's no reason why this general courtesy shouldn't be extended to disabled people, apart from that people have got used to thinking it's socially acceptable to ask and have their curiosity sated. While the disabled person is left feeling shitty cos we've shared private medical information or a traumatic story or whatever with a total stranger.

My 4 yo asks questions like this. Sometimes the person in question will overhear and answer her questions. If they don't, I generally will tell her something like, "I don't know, it might be because he has a problem with his legs and can't walk, but it's not a polite question to ask. We can hurt people's feelings when we make comments about their bodies or ask personal questions."

She doesn't fully get that now because she's 4 and I would expect that most people recognise that little kids haven't got the social awareness to know that it's not appropriate to make comments like that, but I do think it's important to start teaching them as soon as they start asking.

'Legs sometimes need some help' better than 'legs don't work' as many wheelchair users do have working legs they just get exhausted sometimes

Nobody is at liberty to discuss their medical information or trauma with anybody. If I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t, and nobody’s view on this is right or wrong, but the way I see it is, these are children, not every child is asking maliciously or has been taught the correct way to behave. I do not view them as rude or their questions as a slight against me. I might wonder about their parents sometimes, not them.

I personally don’t mind being asked if it’s politely done because I’m comfortable sharing it, and I find that kids are more comfortable and respectful of me when they realise I’m just a normal human being who doesn’t shout at them or be annoyed at them for wondering. If everybody just ignored them or expressed annoyance at being asked, they’re more likely to develop stereotypes about disabled people. If someone did decide to answer, they wouldn’t necessarily have to go into detail beyond, ‘I have a medical condition’ or whatever and move on.

It’s just my own view, I can respect others.

My son is also just a child. A child who is traumatised and struggles to talk about what happened with family, let alone nosey strangers. It’s absolutely human for him to be distressed and not want to answer after what he’s been through, as it is to find it rude to ask.

Okay, well that’s your view. I’m not arguing if that’s the way you choose to handle it. People who are ignorant to other people’s differences tend to be the bullies in my personal experience. That’s all I’m saying. When I was a child I actually bonded with the kids at school who asked me about my disability as that was a talking point and a way they got to know me. A couple of them I’m still friends with now. It’s not up to me to police how others handle their or their child’s disability, I was just offering another perspective. The world isn’t always against you.

My son has a special need pram he is nearly 6. I wouldnt mind a child asking. I would just explain the world is a very noisy place for my son and he likes to feel safe in his pram. Or if they ask about his dummy I say it makes him feel happy and comfortable. I find children are very accepting of difference when it's explained to them.

I do get very irritated by adults staring at us or making comments that my son is too old for these things. I would definitely like to say something else to them.

You seem to have this attitude that somehow it is the fault of a disabled person as to whether they "allow" their self esteem to be affected by others constant questioning. I find that quite repugnant to be honest. I honestly do not know why it would be difficult to understand how a person could be affected in that way. They are not to blame if their self esteem takes a tumble, and to suggest that they are says a lot about you.

I am not at all of that view and I don’t know why you think I am. Some people are affected, some aren’t, I get that, and if they don’t want to answer, they shouldn’t have to. But people WILL ask, whether right or wrong, and they don’t necessarily ask out of malice. That’s my point.

You can’t control whether people ask or not. It’s part and parcel of being different. So really it’s better that people are prepared to be asked and, if at all possible, reminded that it doesn’t mean anything is ‘wrong’ with them, just that sometimes people don’t think and can blurt things out when they’re curious. That’s the only thing you can do.

It says a lot about me as a 34 year old woman who grew up with a disability in a mainstream school being called sp*z regularly? You don’t think that affected my self esteem? Don’t talk silly. All I’m saying is when kids ask, with natural curiosity ask about a disability, it’s maybe not in a disabled child’s interests to be taught that it’s rude? How do able bodied people become properly accepting and comfortable otherwise? As an adult, you learn these things.

I think it’s more damaging to the disabled person if they let innocent questions harm their self esteem.

You said this in an earlier post- I imagine that’s what people are picking up on.

Personally, like you, I don’t mind questions 99% of the time, but I think it’s unhelpful to refer to disabled people ‘letting’ questions harm their self esteem-

many disabled people carry a lot of trauma, embarrassment, shame or fear regarding their disability and how people relate to them because of it… it isn’t as easy as just not letting people’s questions get to them.

What says a lot about me? That I’m a 34 year old woman who grew up with a disability and was called derogatory names regularly? Yeah, of course it affected me, but I don’t think it’s particularly helpful for a child to be taught that natural curiousity is rude, people learn better when they understand disability and difference properly. As an adult, you tend to learn that.

Exactly @DuBoo . You have summed it up perfectly.

I didn’t mean it that way, I meant that because adults are teaching them that natural curiousity and asking innocent questions is rude, that will perpetuate it, because they may think that someone asking is being horrible to them, and people are more likely to bully them when they don’t understand it.

I think it's easiest to say 'I don't know, darling. Lots of people use wheelchairs for different reasons.', then move on.

Try telling an 8 year old who has cancer that the world isn’t against him. He certainly doesn’t feel that way and frankly, thats all that matters to me at this point.

With time, he will accept that the world isn’t against him and that he didn’t do anything wrong to cause this. With time, he will hopefully walk again.

It’s about how my son feels. Dealing with his trauma is my priority, not pandering to people who want to fill their curiosity at my sons expense.

Yes, I get that, you don’t have to answer then. The point I was trying to get across is not that people are obligated to answer, just that children aren’t asking out of malice. That’s what I meant by the world not being against you. It’s more just being clumsy and lacking social awareness. If they were to make an out and out derogatory remark, that’s totally different! I’m so sorry about your son ❤️

"Mind your own business" ?

Most people are aware that children aren’t asking out of malice. It doesn’t matter though because it can still be upsetting, especially if they are only children themselves.

That was my point though, most people were saying kids were rude for asking. Rude to me implies malice, knowing it’s wrong but doing it anyway. I kind of wish I hadn’t posted on this thread now as I think some people are misinterpreting my posts, I was just offering another perspective.

I do consider it to be rude but it isn’t the child’s fault, it’s a parents job to teach them that it can be upsetting etc and not everyone may want to talk about it.

I don't think the kids who ask are being rude on purpose. I don't get upset or offended if a child asks questions, because they're a child and I'm an adult. I'm getting the impression on this thread that it's different if you're also a child. If an adult asks, it's rude. If a kid asks, they don't know any better. At some stage in between those two points, kids need to learn that it's rude. If the parents never gently redirect them, or teach them not to comment on other people's bodies, then they will never learn, and we end up with the adults who come up to total strangers in the supermarket and ask "so, why do you use a wheelchair at your age?" at best. It's just the same as teaching any other manners.