To ask what the correct thing to say is when your child asks about someone's disability?

[AmandaPleaseDotCom]

Today we were at a farm park and my DD (age 3) pointed at a little boy in a special needs chair, one of the ones that supports the head etc.

She asked 'why is he in that? What's that?' I shhed her a bit but she kept asking loudly and repeatedly (the parents definitely heard) and I eventually said that some people use wheelchairs to get around because their legs might not work like yours do. She asked a bit more but they'd walked on by then.

My DH then said in the car on the way home that 'his legs didn't work' was in inappropriate thing to say, but admitted he didn't know what to say either. We agreed we would be horrified if she actually asked the family concerned but should we tell her to mind her own business at her age or try and explain?

It's strange because she actually has a disabled relative in a wheelchair who she seems all the time, and elderly relatives who use mobility scooters and she's never as much as mentioned it so I was a bit taken aback.

I really don't mean to offend anyone so apologies if this posted is badly worded!

Children are curious theu ask., just be factual
My son is severely autistic, non verbal etc ,my next door neighbours son saw me picking him up off school transport and said I know why he goes on thst bus it's because he's disabled, and I said yes your right
He wssent being rude he ,d only about 7 just pointing out the truth I have no issue with that.

What Happened to You? by James Catchpole is a great introduction to talking to children about disability. Or Mama Car.

I just want to add to those who suggest parents should encourage their child to ask about a person's disability - my DD was not born disabled, she ended up with life changing disabilities (both very visible and invisible) following a serious illness that nearly killed her at a young age. I would never let on to anyone (especially her) but I also have PTSD from living through it as her mum, helpless to save her from the suffering. She looks "healthy" but has to battle with multiple complex medical issues every day and at times says to us she doesn't want to be here. Looks and questions from strangers is the last thing she needs. OP @AmandaPleaseDotCom thank you for asking. I can't speak for every family, but for us my ideal would be for parents to normalise disability and differences of all sorts at home through books, children's TV programmes etc. If a child starts asking questions within hearing of my DD I would want the parent to calmly/quietly explain that we don't make comments about anyone's bodies in front of them because it is rude. If the child persisted I would want the parent to (calmly) remove them child from earshot and reinforce the message around manners, and explain that they will discuss it elsewhere/at home. By all means, if my DD makes friends with other children and decides to explain her disabilities in a way that she is comfortable doing, then that is great and it is her information to share in her own way, at a time of her choosing. We have implemented training sessions in school for her entire year group, that she requested and helped plan, so it's not something we shy away from, but it has to be on her terms.

I’m agree with this entirely. My daughter has a limb difference and was getting tired and upset of being repeatedly asked about it - particularly at school. The book “What Happened to You” really helped. We also donated a copy to the school library for them to read/ discuss with the kids.

I have a hearing loss so would say to my son 'They have a wheelchair to help them get around just like I have hearing aids to help me hear.' If asked why, I'd simply say that everyone is different. Then wouldn't let the conversation continue within hearing of the person in the wheelchair.

He's never asked, though, I suppose because of my own disabilities (I'm ND too) meaning I've tried to instill in him the understanding that being around people different to him is just a natural part of life.

Kids often understand things best when you can describe it in terms of something they already know about. Explain that all bodies are different, and there are all kinds of wonderful machines and inventions for when someone’s body needs some extra help. An awful lot of people need help because they can’t see very well, and those people wear glasses (your DC almost certainly knows a few people who wears glasses, so you can mention them). A smaller number of people can’t walk very well, and choose to use a wheelchair or a scooter so they can get about and do things.

Try to make it about how the person uses a tool to help them see/hear/get around/etc. It’s generally good to teach DC that physically disabled people have agency, and have chosen to make use of prosthetic or medical devices as a way to enable them to do things.

It’s also ideal not to make it into an “us and them” thing, which is why talking about glasses is useful - wearing glasses is so common that it gives the (correct!) impression that it’s actually pretty normal to have some kind of external help with our bodies. It’s not about the disabled person being “sick” or “unhealthy”.

Kids can be blunt when it comes to stuff like this.

My DP is autistic, and spends a lot of time in our local cafe. He WFH, so it it a break for him.
A lot of people and families are regulars there.
Recently, he overheard a young boy said to his mum, "that is the weird man" (was pointing at my DP), and she replied "yes, it is".
Acting "weird" can be due to a hidden disability too. Kids should be taught about that as well.

Loads of wheelchair users can walk.

No- being disabled is just a state of being.

There aren’t lots of very abled disabled people- the nature of disability is that it’s disabling in some way. There are lots of disabled people who can do all sorts of things, but if they are disabled then by definition there is something they can’t do or is harder for them.

Joining in with all the others to say I think you did a good job with your wording in an on-the-spot off-the-cuff answer (you didn’t say his legs didn’t work, but that they didn’t work like hers did, as in the same way hers do; I cannot imagine my disabled relative taking offense to that).
What I can imagine bothering my sweet and outgoing disabled relative - and their relatives - is the hushing and shushing and head-hanging and guiding away from the scene. A clear bright smile, a “yes, isn’t that a cool-looking wheelchair”, and a factual explanation is far less embarrassing to many people than avoidance/embarrassment/shame.

I probably would have said something like "Legs probably don't work so well" or "Maybe they don't walk easily" and leave it at that. Factual. Trying to explain neurological issues or many other reasons why people use wheelchairs to a 3 year old sounds like a very tall order. I don't know that my three olds would have been articulate enough to understand "body doesn't work like yours", they need more tangible reasons.

On the whole, in my experience, people with differences and disabilities prefer people/kids to just ask rather than be stared at or whispered about.

I would have said 'some people need help getting around so they use a wheelchair' and moved the conversation on casually.

Ah see this is a strange misconception.
The options are not only "stare and whisper" or "just ask". There is in fact a secret third option, which is "treat us like you'd treat any other stranger in public".
Someone up thread said a rule of thumb was whether they'd talk to this person if they weren't disabled, which is good.
If your kid asks about someone's body in public, you can give a short factual explanation and then you teach them that talking about other people's bodies is not polite. The same as for any other characteristic. Disabled people are not an exception in this respect.
You can learn about disability without turning every disabled person you or your children meet into a teaching moment.

Thank you for all the comments, I'm glad to know most people don't consider what I said to be awful.

I'm going to get some of the suggested books - My DD has literally just turned 3 so I don't know how well she will understand m3 saying that she shouldn't comment on people's bodies but we will get there I'm sure.

Thanks all.

I'm a wheelchair user myself. I wouldn't be offended by what you said but I'd avoid it in the future. There are many reasons to use a wheelchair and a lot have nothing to do with "legs not working". Mine are fine and I can swim for hours and love an exercise bike, but due to a spinal injury I can't bear weight on my legs for more than a min or two without extreme pain.

My cousin uses a chair as he gets overstimulated being out in public and having a safe space (his chair) helps him cope. Another friend has hers due to extreme balance issues.

I'm fine with little kids asking me questions and tend to just be honest with them (though if they ask if it hurts I'll lie and say no).

Please read the replies by families with disabled children in this thread. It is NOT OK for total strangers (of any age) to question someone's private health information. We wouldn't dream of telling our child to ask you or yours about your private health issues so why is it ok to do it to our children?! Our child's health is not a teaching moment for other people's children. We wouldn't approach your family out the blue and discuss your child's body with them, please don't do it to my child!

Interesting. In my experience I would say that is not the case. Why should it be acceptable to question someone, just trying to get on with their day, to satisfy someone else's curiosity. After that person's curiosity is sated, they then just move casually on, without a moment's thought to how their question could have affected the person being asked. I am not talking about young children, who obviously would not understand this. As has been mentioned on this thread there are a wealth of books that parents can access to teach their children about things like disabilities, racism etc.

First thing to teach them is 'its not polite to point or make comments about people when they can hear you. Wait and ask us later'.
Second thing is 'some people use a wheelchair or sticks to get around, or look a bit different. Its not a big deal.'

"Some people can't walk very well. That's why they use cool wheelchairs instead". Never frame disability or mobility aids as a bad thing. It dehumanises the person.

I think it’s ok, mines definitely asked me before, I just said quietly that sometimes peoples legs don’t always work the same as hers and thats fine because we are all different aren’t we? and that it’s not nice to talk about people in front of them but she can ask me questions later.

Disabled people aren't sick.

Some of us are- my mother and I have disabilities caused directly by illness.

OK, not all disabled people are sick.

Also agree with this. My son has a visible disability and he’s so fed up of kids asking him what’s wrong. And loads of parents don’t shush their kids. They just let them carry on shouting out questions. Like that’s ok. It’s not ok to let your kid loudly comment on other people, if they won’t be quiet, take them out of earshot.

It’s fine to tell your kid it’s no polite to discuss other people in public. For any reason. You’ll discuss it at home. Then you can do some research into why people might use wheelchairs or whatever

Im really surprised that people have told their kids that disabled people aren’t healthy or they got sick in their mummy’s tummy.

He also hates other people saying he’s disabled. Upsets him.

What happened to you? is a great book.

The thing I would be teaching children who loudly point out things about other people who are different to them, is better manners. Yes children are curious but they should be taught not to loudly exclaim this curiosity in public. I have two kids and they would not have been rude in this way. Adults should also learn the same manners. If my children ever saw things about other people that made them curious, they would quietly ask me about it well away from the person in question.

Also, people who look different to you should not be treated as a show and tell opportunity. I have a physical disability and I never want to talk about it with strangers.

If I was braver, I would answer every single time I am asked ‘what happened to you’ with ‘Why do you want to know?’