To ask what the correct thing to say is when your child asks about someone's disability?

[AmandaPleaseDotCom]

Today we were at a farm park and my DD (age 3) pointed at a little boy in a special needs chair, one of the ones that supports the head etc.

She asked 'why is he in that? What's that?' I shhed her a bit but she kept asking loudly and repeatedly (the parents definitely heard) and I eventually said that some people use wheelchairs to get around because their legs might not work like yours do. She asked a bit more but they'd walked on by then.

My DH then said in the car on the way home that 'his legs didn't work' was in inappropriate thing to say, but admitted he didn't know what to say either. We agreed we would be horrified if she actually asked the family concerned but should we tell her to mind her own business at her age or try and explain?

It's strange because she actually has a disabled relative in a wheelchair who she seems all the time, and elderly relatives who use mobility scooters and she's never as much as mentioned it so I was a bit taken aback.

I really don't mean to offend anyone so apologies if this posted is badly worded!

And regarding your child being curious when they have a relative in a chair......it might be the age thing that is confusing them.

My brother was born just before I turned 3, and on his forehead had some veins running close under his delicate baby skin. And Dad told me I was very confused about this, why my a brand new baby was "old". I just connected blue veins under the skin with being old and frail, only having seen it in my great grandparents. I was very upset that the baby had "blue wrinkles" because I felt cheated I'd got an old baby brother rather than a new baby brother. 🤣

I think “disabled” is more insulting, because there are lots of very abled people who had been unlucky. Healthy or unhealthy is just a description of physical state.

Answer the questions honestly

He's in a wheelchair because he can't walk

Why??

Because he was born like that. Some people are born unable to walk - or have an accident which means they are then unable to walk

"differently special" wtf.
No we don't want to be asked every time. Some don't mind, some do. I don't mind if a child asks me, but I do mind if an adult asks me. This is because if child asks, it's because they don't know what a wheelchair does, and if an adult asks, it's because they want a juicy story. In order to get adults who don't ask strangers for their medical details, we need to teach children that it's not polite to ask strangers. That's not the same as thinking that it's something shameful or wrong, it's just personal.

It's also not the parent's choice to explain their child's medical information to a stranger. That information belongs to their child, and that child needs to learn that it's okay not to fancy explaining their life to every randomer who wants to know. I would recommend looking up Nina Tame on instagram for some better explained takes on this, as she is a disabled adult parenting a disabled kid and is open about having gone through all the stages of oversharing her kid's medical info and eventually realising that it didn't do him any good.

You what now?!
Disabled is not insulting! It is in fact just a description of physical state. Disabled people might be healthy or unhealthy.

Just about any of the sentences or descriptions upthread there have been some great suggestions.

Unhealthy and disabled aren't interchangeable.

Nope, disabled is not insulting - it is a fact. If you need to use a wheelchair or a stick or whatever... then you have a disability.

Like if you wear shoes, you have feet.

And please whoever came up with 'differently special', DFOD!

Ok, chill out! I thought it’s the other way round!

And how would you know for a fact that he could not walk? There are what you call ambulatory wheelchair users. What if the child had just been told that he could not walk, and then the child happened to get out, and walk for a bit? That would no doubt be confusing for the child asking.

tell her no, Distract her with something else, move her along, keep in mind to explain it to her later in private

To add to this, children are often told things like "exercise is healthy" (implication: good) or "this food is healthy/ unhealthy" (implication: good/ bad, although that's a whole other kettle of fish). Being disabled isn't a bad thing to be, or a lesser state.
Neither is being unhealthy, as someone who is chronically ill I am not lesser, but I reckon "unhealthy" can easily be correlated with "bad" in a child's mind.

This thread is so awful it's funny, with people tripping over themselves to be righteous and so desperate not to offend yet are offending because you're not listening to people with disabilities telling you how to explain things.

Every body is different, some bodies need a bit of help so the person can do what they want, communicate with people or get to where they need to be. It's not deep.

My 8 year old is in a wheelchair. It happened suddenly, one day he was walking and the next day he wasn’t. Hopefully it isn’t permanent but we don’t know for sure.

It is something my son doesn’t like to talk about and he’d be incredibly upset if someone came up to him asking about why he’s in a wheelchair. It’s very raw for him and he’s obviously just a child himself who has been through a traumatic experience.

I would take being described as "disabled" over being called unhealthy, or unlucky any day, thank you. I have no problem describing myself as disabled!

Apologies, I got it wrong. I was using words I (wrongly) thought parents would prefer to use about their child. My friend uses that phrase for her severely disabled child. My bad.

But if you want to teach people their language is wrong, maybe DFOD isn't the best way to go about it either.

Sorry for my reply, I thought you were having a go 💐

He seems like an amazing guy, I bought his autobiography too.

This is such a valuable point. Very few people in a wheelchair have zero trauma attached to that fact. It's a bit shitty to be asked to relive or explain that trauma all the time.

I'm not really unchilled. Sorry for the added exclamation marks. I'm just surprised that it isn't common knowledge I suppose. Or disappointed, perhaps. Anyway, it's not personal, so I apologise for being a bit snappy.

This. Also my 11 year old was in casts to correct his toe walking 2 years ago. He didn't mind people asking why he was wearing casts but he hated people asking him how he broke his legs because he didn't.

No prob, I thought I was being considerate 😅 but apparently got it all wrong. Thanks!

He's a beautiful human. If you get the chance to meet him or visit a talk he's doing, it's so worth it. And that's OK, I was a little horrified when j realised what happened on my post 🤣

Always answer factually yet respectfully. ‘His legs don’t work like ours do so he needs help to get around’ is fine.

We are friends with a blind couple and our young son once asked why their dogs can’t play with ours when we see them on their guide dog harnesses and we say ‘they aren’t able to see like we can (they have some sight) so Juno and Bella are very special dogs who help them get around safely’. DS has a kid in his class with hearing aids and he openly says ‘they help me hear’ and all the kids are like ok cool then.

NO! Please, please DO NOT do this! Our DD has visible disabilities and finds it extremely upsetting and intrusive when asked about her private medical information by total strangers of any age. It is inappropriate, her health is no one else's business and NOT a teaching opportunity. We have had so many family days out intruded on by questions from complete strangers when we are just trying to enjoy lunch in a cafe. It just makes her feel that she stands out from "normal" people, many children/adults don't want to be constantly made to feel that they look different. Teach children about disability but also please teach them that it is rude to comment on other peoples bodies in front of them (disabled or not) and that you will discuss it/look at books etc at home/later.

My DD is a wheelchair user.

I'm constantly asked what's the best thing to say.

I use to say " It helps her get around more easily", however I found that was always followed up with a "Why" so for us what works is "Her legs don't work as well as yours".

Kids always accept this and are more interested in chatting to DD or they'll just skip off .

Now not everyone is the same, I've been caught out myself while at something and say the wrong thing to someone, so what works for one doesn't necessarily mean it'll work for everyone.

The main thing is, if your child asks a question don't shush them or pretend not to hear them, yes it can catch you off guard just like any of the questions kids like to ask loudly 😂

Parents//carers really don't mind hearing a child ask questions, it's how they learn, they don't mind them looking some will stare but they really don't realise they are staring they're curious.

For some reason and I really don't know why this is and it's the same for many, we really dislike adults staring, I guess we feel they know better not to stare, some days it can really wind me up, I had gone to cafe for lunch with 2 sisters and dd, picked a table away from everyone for more space, empty tables in 80% of the cafe and a man and his ds sat right next to us, I actually had to move the wheelchair to let him get into his seat and the 2 of them sat and stared the whole time, it was so uncomfortable, i have had bad days and not being nice saying to take a picture it'll last longer 😳 but that's when people just keep staring for ages.

I have found myself out without DD and will see a wheelchair and will look but I'm actually checking out the wheelchair make and what they have on theirs and seeing if there's something that'd work on DDS chair and I love checking out any fancy things they have added but I need to remind myself that it comes across as staring so I end up getting flustered and kicking myself for making them feel uncomfortable.

And in this thread you’ll see numerous people all saying the absolute opposite. So I err on the side of caution.

I wouldn’t shush my child (I’d give them a very basic answer myself and then tell them we’d talk more about it at home) but I’m not going to encourage or allow them to ask complete strangers for personal information.

My child has a (much less immediately visible) disability. It’s not shameful, it’s not some dirty secret, but it is personal information. Happy to share it in the context of a relationship, or even a lengthy chat, but very much not happy for it to be the first or only thing we talk about. So I give parents of more visibly disabled children and the children themselves the same courtesy I would expect unless they indicate they want to talk about it. And as for “differently special”… nope.

That doesn’t mean I don’t encourage my kids to interact with someone disabled or using a mobility aid if that would be appropriate (rule of thumb - “is this a situation where I’d talk to this person if they weren’t disabled”), but there are other things to say or talk to them about than their disability!