To ask what the correct thing to say is when your child asks about someone's disability?

[AmandaPleaseDotCom]

Today we were at a farm park and my DD (age 3) pointed at a little boy in a special needs chair, one of the ones that supports the head etc.

She asked 'why is he in that? What's that?' I shhed her a bit but she kept asking loudly and repeatedly (the parents definitely heard) and I eventually said that some people use wheelchairs to get around because their legs might not work like yours do. She asked a bit more but they'd walked on by then.

My DH then said in the car on the way home that 'his legs didn't work' was in inappropriate thing to say, but admitted he didn't know what to say either. We agreed we would be horrified if she actually asked the family concerned but should we tell her to mind her own business at her age or try and explain?

It's strange because she actually has a disabled relative in a wheelchair who she seems all the time, and elderly relatives who use mobility scooters and she's never as much as mentioned it so I was a bit taken aback.

I really don't mean to offend anyone so apologies if this posted is badly worded!

If the other child approaches mine or me and asks what’s wrong or what the wheelchair is for I expect the parents to take them away and explain themselves and be clear that whilst asking questions is good it is best not to directly ask the person who is visibly disabled/ using the chair else they might get a bit overwhelmed having everyone ask them when they are busy having a fun day etc.

I totally understand this. The child does not need a constant reminder that they appear different to other children, and being asked, could ruin a good day. Your child will not be the only one to be asking OP.

Great idea. Can I ask do you have any te recommendations? I have a one year-old would like to get a good selection of toddler books.

I'm a wheelchair user and have been since the birth of my first child. It's totally natural for a child to ask questions like this and rather than shush them I'd much rather it be upfront. As you don't know what the medical condition is requiring the use of the wheelchair, I would just say that it is to help the person move around. If they want more answers is perfectly fine to say that you don't know why and then explain that there are lots of reasons why someone might need a wheelchair. Some might be because they have been born with a medical condition or that they have become injured in some way or had a serious illness. The most important thing to teach your child is that it doesn't make the person any less important than someone who is able bodied and to be kind and considerate to them. Any one of us might become disabled at some point in our life.

There's a writer called Gavin Clifton he has cerebral palsy himself, he has a couple that are good.

The books I recommended upthread are great, I think the Catchpoles ones from quite young, but I would say Mama Car is maybe a bit younger than the other two (because the child character is younger), the Tiffany Hammond for a bit older (though it's still a picture book). I think Jessica Kellgren-Fozard on youtube has a video or videos with various recommendations, she has a young toddler too so she knows what's worked

They need it to help them is enough often, I do think it's fine for children to want to talk to children in wheelchairs though, just a drilling on why they use them, talking to them like any other kid on the park is inclusive and many youngsters get fed up that able bodied kids ignore them. My dc played regularly with a child in a wheelchair and that mum was pleased I didn't call them away the first time, then subsequently they were "friends"

I'm a wheelchair user and I don't like that people assume my legs don't work. They're not great but they're not the reason I'm in a chair. I'm far from the only wheelchair user who has experienced abuse or ableism because I'm ambulatory at some level.

I'd rather more people read books about proper diversity with their children. There doesn't need to be a huge fuss made. We don't want to stand out more than we already do.

I'm OK with kids asking me about why I use a wheelchair or sticks or sometimes communicate through writing things down. But I have had adults asking me intrusive questions this past summer and I was too embarrassed and put on the spot to not come out with a stupid response where I managed to out myself down.

It's not easy.

I'd assume your child was curious because she is used to her disabled relative but obviously we all have different chairs and physical presentations and if the person she was commenting on was just a boy, he's her peer and kids are going to me curious about the other children around them.

I would say that the boy needs his chair to get around easily. She might have wrongly assumed that only adults need wheelchairs sometimes (I assume that the people she knows are adults) hence asking about the boy.
I am a glasses wearer so for a 3 year old I would say it’s like my need for glasses to see clearly so I don’t bump into things.

Sorry I posted before I finished, there's a book called "same but different", one called "what happened to you","the girl who figured it out" and another called "amazing". I have some on hidden disabilities as well, I'll go have a look and tell you some more. Those are my dcs favourites.

I usually say, “some people need wheelchairs if they struggle to walk”. Or something like that.

I'm disabled - I can only speak for myself, but kids are naturally curious of the unknown. Please be open and honest, even if I can hear you. I'll join in if I can. The worst thing I think you can do is tell them not to ask. Kids generally associate "don't say that" or "don't talk about that" with something bad, or to be ashamed of. I am NOT bad and no-one should be ASHAMED of me!

So, the tack I would take is that for some reason the person's legs don't work as they should, so they need wheelchair to get around. If the kid asked further, they might have had accident which hurt their legs or hurt their brain, so it can't control their legs. The wheelchair means they can get about even though their legs don't work properly.

I read these books, as I do many types with my dc, we read about racism, origins of music, feminism, different family set ups all sorts.

One of their sisters had multiple physical disabilities before she died, and another has hidden disabilities and, as such, I'm very comfortable with the way I teach my children and the range of books I have.

Avoid:

Wheelchair bound/stuck in a chair - most of us find our chairs give us more freedom than we'd have without, they're a positive, not a negative.

'XYZ doesn't work/they've something wrong with xyz' - it may be true, but most disabilities are far more complex and whilst the Spinal Injury 'legs don't work' guys are pretty much the poster-kids of disability, they are actually really rare compared to the 'multiple conditions, ambulatory wheelchair users'. Giving kids the idea that everyone in a wheelchair can't stand up/walk is setting them up for much more confusion later on.

Try:

'They're using a wheelchair to help them get around. I don't know why, there are lots of possible reasons but those are personal/private.'

And then read age appropriate books about disability at home.

Definitely don't send your kid to come and ask me, because whilst some days I may be in the mood and have the spoons to be patient and nice to your child, there are also days when I am likely to say something that will leave you with a LOT more questions to deal with, or that raises issues you weren't ready to talk about with them yet.

I do try to be nice but it isn't my job to parent your kid (despite what some folks seem to think, going by my past experiences!).

I would describe what she see as fact, and say we are very lucky that we are healthy.

My dc have never asked but I think "some people use wheelchairs to help them move around, like Grandad uses hearing aids to help him hear and Auntie Lisa wears glasses to help her see" is the explanation I would use.

Please don't suggest wheelchair users are unhealthy.

Please don't shush children when asking about disability, it makes it sound like disability is taboo or shameful. I see so often when my son needs his disability pushchair how people avoid eye contact or give us a good stare. It's not catching!

Just explain that everyone is different and some people need things to support them in daily life. Don't expect the disabled person to educate your child, or give their medical history. We need the pushchair due to autistic overwhelm, his legs work fine, so don't assume everyone in a wheelchair can't walk.

Being in a wheelchair does not mean that a person is not healthy. As has been explained on this thread there are a hundred, and one reasons why someone may be in a wheelchair. I mean you get people in wheelchairs competing in the paralympics, I would not ever think that they are not healthy.

@AmandaPleaseDotCom im disabled and a wheelchair user, I was raised by a mother who is disabled and a wheelchair user and my child has special needs and is physically disabled- so we have had all the looks and stares etc over the years.

It’s absolutely fine for little children to look and ask questions. I wouldn’t let her ask the disabled person themselves because some don’t like it (personally I’m absolutely fine with it).

Its normal and healthy for children to be curious about things that are different and outside their experience.

I always explain that some people have bodies that work differently and they need different things to help them. I explain to kids that there are lots of different types of disability and you can’t tell by looking why X person is in a chair or has a stick or helmet etc- you can only know that they need it to go about their lives.

Dont say they are in a chair because they can’t walk- they get confused then when they see someone in a chair stand up!

This, just tell them the truth

It's normal for little kids to ask questions, as much as I wish mine would ask less

I'm not sure why it quoted someone else in my reply 😲 sorry

Best to stay away from healthy or unhealthy because you can’t know by looking- I’m unhealthy and I use a chair- other people are world class athletes.

Its fine to just say “because they are disabled”- disabled isn’t an insult or a bad word, it’s just a state of being like tall or blond.

We agreed we would be horrified if she actually asked the family concerned

Why would you be horrified? I've read many newspaper and magazine articles from parents or people themselves in similar situations, and have a friend with a Daughter in a support chair and the common theme is that they all say they are happy to explain appropriately why their child (or them) needs the chair, walking frame, oxygen mask etc. it's just one child wanting to know about another child. Asking (politely) and creating an opportunity for your child learning is a million times better than shushing your child. Your child unknowingly did the right thing, you did the worst thing. These things are not to be shushed and hidden away like a dirty secret that the world should hide and pretend isn't there. Ask and you'll more than likely find the parents are happy to explain what makes their child differently special.

I know him :) he lives round the corner.

Sorry that my first reply quoted you, I was responding to the OP but it somehow copied in your comment 🤦‍♀️

What word would be the best?