To ask what the correct thing to say is when your child asks about someone's disability?

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Today we were at a farm park and my DD (age 3) pointed at a little boy in a special needs chair, one of the ones that supports the head etc.

She asked 'why is he in that? What's that?' I shhed her a bit but she kept asking loudly and repeatedly (the parents definitely heard) and I eventually said that some people use wheelchairs to get around because their legs might not work like yours do. She asked a bit more but they'd walked on by then.

My DH then said in the car on the way home that 'his legs didn't work' was in inappropriate thing to say, but admitted he didn't know what to say either. We agreed we would be horrified if she actually asked the family concerned but should we tell her to mind her own business at her age or try and explain?

It's strange because she actually has a disabled relative in a wheelchair who she seems all the time, and elderly relatives who use mobility scooters and she's never as much as mentioned it so I was a bit taken aback.

I really don't mean to offend anyone so apologies if this posted is badly worded!

You can explain that everyone’s bodies are different and that some people have things like wheelchairs, walking sticks, scooters to help them move around. I would explain in simple terms that there are all different sorts of bodies and we all have different abilities in all areas of life.

she actually has a disabled relative in a wheelchair who she seems all the tim
Well there s your answer

"Like aunty beryl. Some children need wheelchairs too. But I bet that girl loves bluey just like you!"

No need to shsh her.

Get book
Susan laughs

Susan Laughs https://amzn.eu/d/cEvajpf

Some good lists here

https://www.scope.org.uk/advice-and-support/storybooks-featuring-disabled-children

Also, people who look different to you should not be treated as a show and tell opportunity. I have a physical disability and I never want to talk about it with strangers.

We always say ‘my child is not a teachable moment’.

Ive literally had kids shouting out questions, screaming, adults shouting questions across a field. Also kids asking and then not taking ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ for an answer and pressuring and nagging to have an answer. It’s like people just don’t teach their kids manners.

So thanks for asking, OP, I’m glad you’re one of the parents who does care.

If your children play with dolls/barbies, the ones in wheelchairs and hearing aids are a good starting point. My GD was made up that she could get a Barbie with hearing aids like hers. Other children ask why she uses the buggy, we don't mind in our case. Her disabilities are very hidden. Hopefully all walking etc aids will be seen as glasses are. I thought it would have done a lot for the Queen to use a wheelchair, or even a customised scooter (that would have been cool).

I can honestly say I don’t know why parents find it so difficult to talk about differences. These things need to dealt with very young as it prevents bullying and bigotry. You just need to say that everyone’s different, some people can’t walk/talk/hear or see etc and they need help to do things, but they are still people just like everybody else. It’s pretty easy.

Better plant some cress seeds show how some grow differently. Genetics.
But still tasty.

Please don't link "sick" with disabilities.
Disabled kids can get sick with flu
But they are not "sick" permanently because they have a syndrome or neurodiverse

I just say something like ‘you know how mummy needs glasses to help her to see things, some people need wheelchairs to help them get around/hearing aids to help them to hear’ or whatever. Just keep it simple.

@BrightGreenLeaves exactly. It boils down to manners.

The impact of complete strangers asking me about my health condition at school, on holidays, in swimming pools etc has had a lasting negative impact on my confidence.

When I am out and about pushing my DH in his wheelchair we often get puzzled looks from small children in their buggies.

On more than one occasion he has been the subject of envious looks by slightly older kids that have been made to walk. Sometimes even commenting that "it's not fair". This amuses my DH greatly.

I'd have probably stuck to "he needs it to get around" and not speculated on why (his legs don't work). And any further questions would have got a more generic "because people are all different". That might be because we mix with kids that use SEN buggies or wheelchairs for developmental or behaviour reasons, so I'm in the habit of not assuming the reason is physical.

I'd also avoid the shushing. I know it can feel awkward, but the whispered answers only when pushed can make it feel like disability is been treated as something shameful. As long as your answers are respectful, there's no reason not to answer when asked (same approach I'd take to a small child asking about racial differences, gay couples or any other marginalised group)

For slightly older children, there is a really good programme on CBBC called My Life which documents the lives of children with unique stories, told by the children themselves. Quite a few of the episodes feature children with disabilities.

See, personally, I don’t mind people asking me as most kids are just a bit curious and clumsily ask, so if they ask me politely, ‘Excuse me, why do you walk like that?’ Then I don’t mind telling them. I think education is always a good thing, and kids will be naturally curious. A few times I’ve had kids ask me and we’ve ended up having a nice conversation off the back of it, and every time they see me after they always say hello and are lovely.

It does depend how the question is asked though, I ignore mocking or rude requests! I do understand your personal POV, I just prefer to put a positive spin on it. Sometimes parents don’t educate their kids as they should, so I will if I have to.

Is this helpful?

@Teanbiscuits33 that is of course your prerogative to not mind. But there are lots of people on this thread, or being referred to on this thread, who do mind. And therefore, people shouldn’t ask questions as you never know what impact it might have.

Kids can be naturally curious AND have good manners. Parents can educate children without having to accost people in public who are different from them, and quiz them.

There’s also the fact that OP is talking about a child too.

My son isn’t a zoo animal to be stared at and used for others to educate their children. He’s a little boy who has been to hell and back this year and just wants to be left alone.

Like I said, I do understand that people will have a different view to me, and I don’t respond if the question is asked in a rude manner. I answer when it’s obvious the child doesn’t mean to be rude. I don’t let it harm my self esteem or confidence, they are kids who haven’t learned everything about social etiquette yet. The way I see it is if I let every curious question get to me, I’d be forever miserable! Not everybody means harm.

Again @Teanbiscuits33 that is great for you. Not everyone is the same. People are impacted by it, including children referred to on thIs thread, so best not to ask, in case of the damage it might do.

Yes, you are correct of course, but it’s simply not realistic. Whether people should ask or not, inevitably some people will, so the kids need to be prepared for questions as well. As disabled people, we have heard it all, it helps if we learn how to respond because we can’t guarantee no one will ask. It’s life. My mum always taught me some people will be curious or cruel. It shouldn’t happen but it does unfortunately.

I agree with this. My children are very obviously learning disabled / autistic. I do understand little kids asking their parents questions but honestly "why's he doing that?" followed by very loud 'teachable moments' from middle class parents really get to me.

I think a brief, quiet response and moving on is the best course of action. It can always be followed up at home if needed.

I do understand little kids asking their parents questions but honestly "why's he doing that?" followed by very loud 'teachable moments' from middle class parents really get to me.

That just shows a complete lack of manners, and empathy.

"why's he doing that?" followed by very loud 'teachable moments' from middle class parents really get to me. lol this is so true! And so irritating. Imagine hearing someone loudly describing your difference and thinking that is a good thing.

Maybe it’s different if you’re an adult. I’ve taught my son that he doesn’t have to talk about it if he doesn’t want. Kids will still go on and on even when he’s made it clear.

Yeah- some people would be fine with this (I’m happy to chat with people, especially kids about my ‘difference’, I’ve always taken the view that talking with people educates them, and the more people have knowledge the better off we will all be)… so I often just join in chatting with the kids that are asking their parents questions.

but other people hate it, and they have a right to be left alone-

so people need to not do it.

"He is in a wheelchair. Some people use these to help them get around. Everybody is different and some people's bodies work in a different way to yours."