To ask what the correct thing to say is when your child asks about someone's disability?

[AmandaPleaseDotCom]

Today we were at a farm park and my DD (age 3) pointed at a little boy in a special needs chair, one of the ones that supports the head etc.

She asked 'why is he in that? What's that?' I shhed her a bit but she kept asking loudly and repeatedly (the parents definitely heard) and I eventually said that some people use wheelchairs to get around because their legs might not work like yours do. She asked a bit more but they'd walked on by then.

My DH then said in the car on the way home that 'his legs didn't work' was in inappropriate thing to say, but admitted he didn't know what to say either. We agreed we would be horrified if she actually asked the family concerned but should we tell her to mind her own business at her age or try and explain?

It's strange because she actually has a disabled relative in a wheelchair who she seems all the time, and elderly relatives who use mobility scooters and she's never as much as mentioned it so I was a bit taken aback.

I really don't mean to offend anyone so apologies if this posted is badly worded!

I find that when the child asks, it's because they've seen something that to them that's unusual. I've had adults whisper, debating whether I'm really visually impaired and I've had an adult shout at me, again, claiming I'm faking it. I've had an adult ask "what's wrong with you?"

I normally say something like 'they might have a disability and the chair helps them' about whatever it is. My 4yr old is very aware of what the word disability means from books and friends/family that use wheelchairs, sticks etc.

I would also say 'it's fine to ask mummy questions, but it's polite to do it quietly as they might not want to hear them' for next time.

Yes. I think I said upthread about how if a child asks about a wheelchair it's because they don't know what a wheelchair does, and if an adult asks, it's because they want to know how I ended up using one. I feel the solution to the former is for parents to teach their kids about disabled people via books and telly etc so that when the child asks, parents can say yes it's a wheelchair (or a white cane etc), and remind them of where they've seen something like it before. And the solution to the latter is for kids to be taught that it's impolite to ask strangers about their bodies and for adults to mind their own!

God I'm so sorry this has happened to you. My mind actually boggles at how people can be so rude!

I think we need to learn from children. I've never felt the child asking is being rude

I’ve got an electronic medical device to help me walk, the cuff is very noticeable if I don’t wear cargo pants. If a child asked me what it was I’d say exactly what you did (and probably give them a demo as it’s kind of cool).
You explained it perfectly. Curiosity from small children isn’t offensive.

No one is saying curiosity is offensive. It just needs to be expressed politely and that is something adults need to teach them.

This thread is quite depressing. The views of the disabled adults and children who do not want to be asked about their private medical information in public, by strangers, are being completely disregarded because some people are ok with it.

Teaching children that curiosity should not be trumped by the right for people (esp other kids) to keep their personal medical info private or not be upset by intrusive and potentially embarrassing questions is much more important

what is ok for them to ask the person and what isn’t?
why-
does that lady ….
have long hair
have missing teeth
wear a cloth on her head
have a bag on her stomach
have a scar on her face
have a moustache
smell
use a wheelchair
speak funny
have big earrings
have glasses
have curly hair

etc etc

The key is to teach kids that people are in all varieties and that if they are curious and have questions they bring them to mum or dad and do not ask the person involved because commenting on how people look/sound etc can be really upsetting.

and that just as they would not want 20 people on a day out coming up to them and asking them why they have got their hair in bunches , nor does the kid in the wheelchair want to be asked when they are just trying to have a nice day.

All adults need to police this which means directly the inquisitive kids to quietly ask their own adult if they themselves are approached even if they wouldn’t personally be bothered

Teaching children how to speak to others is their parents’ job, not mine. If parents have an issue with a question, it’s on them and it’s their place to instill their values. If a small child asks about my disability, I’ll continue as I am, thanks, and leave the parenting to the parents.

I’m now wondering if you deliver that lecture to random passers by on how to parent your children, or if you’re lecturing me on how I should react to a situation that causes me no offence whatsoever? Rhetorical question, whatever the answer I’ll stick with my approach to life.

If you’re referring to me stating that I don’t mind and I prefer to put a positive spin on a question rather than take offence, then I haven’t dismissed anyone else’s different view - I’ve repeatedly stated it’s up to the person concerned, I was just trying to offer another perspective, and who knows it might have the added benefit of helping other disabled people to feel less bad about being asked.

I have spent enough of my life being offended about actual intentional rude insults directed at me that I just eventually stopped caring about people asking out of curiousity. If I was always bothered by it I’d never leave the house.

As an aside, while I can understand people saying children should ask their parents, parents don’t always teach their kids in the best way, so those of us who don’t mind may be helping, and it might stop them asking others who would hurt by it because they already understand disability and don’t feel the need to ask others.

I didn’t mean to dismiss anybody else’s view, I just find it helpful to remember that innocent curiousity does not equal rude.

Because you opening yourself up to questions because you quite like talking about your medical device leaves other people including kids with medical issues, as seeming to be the rude ones if they have boundaries.

Normalising asking personal intrusive questions just because a kid has noticed something is not helpful for those who don’t have a voice.

Would you think it ok for a kid to come up to you and say at the top for heir voice in public ‘why do you smell funny’ if you have a leaky stoma or would you hope someone has previously pointed out that might be upsetting?

So no apology from me for protecting kids with disabilities or vulnerabilities

I'd say to use the language of something 'doesn't work' makes it sound like they are defective, other, lower etc.
Of course I know you didn't mean it that way. the fact is you don't know exactly what disability the kid has. So I would just say, 'everyone is different, and some people use wheelchairs or walkers to help get around.'

It’s not disabled people’s responsibility to parent random children, or to encourage them to behave in a way you would prefer.

We are entitled to treat our disabilities any way we like- including discussing it with those that want to know.

I have taught my DS not to make personal comments/ask questions because I’m aware some disabled people don’t like it, but that is where my responsibility ends.

Some people see a wheelchair and make assumptions on mental capacity. I was shopping in Asda with my husband and was in front of him helping to put the shopping on the conveyor belt from the trolley. The checkout operator looked straight over my head and asked my husband "What does IT want?" I was so gobsmaked, as was my husband. He was quicker than I and replied "Why don't you ask her?" It's stuck in my head and I wish I had said something rather than trying not to make a scene. It feels like she not only had decided I wasn't able to communicate but it feels like to her I'm not a person, I'm just an it!!

What do you say to explain someone with a mental disability? My 3 year old started shouting look at that funny girl about a lady with downs syndrome. The lady was short but obviously not a girl. I shushed him and dragged him away out of earshot but what sort of response is suitable? Bearing in mind he's just 3 and too young to have manners or understand complicated explanations. I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

We can't always answer every one of our children's questions and actually children don't meed to know everything so it's fine to say 'I don't know' if you don't know.

So, I'd have told my child it's a called a wheelchair and it helps people get around, but if they wanted to know why that particular person needed a wheelchair I'd say I don't know (and maybe - that's not your business).

From about that age I started reinforcing to my children that we don't make personal comments to/about people, or comment on people's appearance.
Sometimes you know when they are going to say or ask something inappropriate or uncomfortable so I'd immediately stop them and let them know they can ask/tell me when we're in the car or at home.
And sometimes if I spot someone with an obvious difference in the distance I will remind my child in advance that we don't make personal comments before they've noticed them.

I’d start with a) we don’t point b) we don’t comment on people in the street c) we never refer to someone’s appearance as ‘funny’ d) we don’t stare and e) people are all different.

Thank you, was trying to find a way to express this.

Fucking hell, that's atrocious. Even if you did have limited mental capacity, calling a person 'it' is just awful.

I’m in a wheelchair and I’ve had this a lot. I’ve even had a few children come up to me and ask me themselves - usually followed quickly by a red faced and apologetic mum, who I’ve reassured that it’s fine, and that it’s good for kids to be inquisitive.

I think it’s important to be honest, and what you said is fine - it’s important for kids to know that some people can walk, some have difficulty and use various aids to walk, and some can’t walk at all, so need a wheelchair. Keep it simple and as others have said, don’t be afraid to use the word disabled - I think a lot of children these days will have come across other disabled children in school, so will understand that, and if you have a disabled friend or relative it’s helpful to use that, so they have a frame of reference.

I’ve had similar - not being called ‘it’ which is pretty atrocious, but I’ve been shopping alone in my wheelchair and having got to the checkout the operator just sat there after I’d loaded the conveyor belt. When I asked why they said they were waiting for my carer !!

I think I agree with this. It’s up to the individual as to whether they’re comfortable discussing their condition if they are asked outright. The only time I take offence is when I am using a disabled parking spot. Some people seem to think that they have a right to question you about what your disability is and how it qualifies you for the badge. You’d be surprised by the number of people who have actually asked to handle it too.