People Cancelling Last Minute!!

[Aquarius1234]

Thoughts on people cancelling plans last minute ??
Eg on the day or literally with 20 mins before you need to leave the house.
I had booked tickets for something involving train journey.
I'm now going alone.
My so called mate cancelled last minute.
It still shocked me as it was 15 mins before I needed to leave.
Said mate I hadn't seen in ages and ages and was curious whether the same pattern would happen again!!
Fuming.
I've sent lots of message but non read so obv avoiding looking!!
I thought I'd try a new tactics by going through my journey and day to spite him ?
I have also said I think you just couldn't be bothered also and it's it strange your not responding to my messages when your the one that cancelled ?
I'd normally not be able to relax all day knowing if id cancelled. ( gulit) .
I would ok with a couple of texts. This was a long pathetic message and no reply. So it would not have mattered if I just didn't read the message.
It's like they have turned their phone off.
Rude! They say due to anxiety not liking busy places.
But surely my anxiety and stress levels through the roof now by letting this happen again?
I wouldn't have sent loads of messages if I wasnt bothered and stressed.

I agree. I suffer from anxiety and take meds to help. I also take responsibility for myself and only agree to arrangements I KNOW I'll keep. I don't expect other people to accept having their time wasted to accomodate me...but then, I am not self-absorbed.

If repeated flaking is anxiety based, repeated cancellations will be noted and not entertained. I have a full time job, three kids, hobbies and interests and long term friends I struggle to make time to see.
Why you have wasted my free time doesn't come into it. Just that you have.

I would be blocking you tbh, yes it’s crap of this person to cancel but your reaction is bizarre and I wouldn’t want anything else to do with you and it would just confirm that I made the right choice to cancel.

The thing is, the OP did have the high ground - clearly someone who cancels 5 minutes before a planned event is acting badly - if it’s due to his MH, he should have planned for that.

However, her reaction is so over the top and unreasonable, she’s metaphorically dived into the mud and is now behaving just as badly if not worse.

Either he’s mentally ill - in which case the OP is deliberately harassing someone with MH issues with the stated intention of making him feel worse or he’s just a dick, in which case the OP is showing him he’s got to her which he’s probably finding amusing.

I think it sounds like the first but I accept it could be the second.

Either way, the OP needs to leave him alone. Her actions (constant texting including ‘negative texts’) are not appropriate in the slightest.

I've just read your other thread from September about not having friends. On that thread you talk about how you have been meeting men from dating sites but on a "friends only" basis. Is this bloke one of them?

I'm sorry OP but I really don't think things like that can work. Men don't go on dating sites just be friends. They go there to meet women to have sex/a relationship with. Some of them might well claim friends only but in many cases that really means FWB and not platonic friendship. That means that if you do start chatting and meeting up with them they could well have a very different agenda to you and when it turns out you really aren't interested in anything beyond friendship they start flaking out on you. Or they might have met someone else and started having sex with them or having a relationship with them.

I think there are better ways to make friends than to go on dating sites to try to meet men (why not women??) to be friends with.

I think your expectations and those of the people you are making friends with don't match up and that's why things go wrong.

I wouldn't like to cancel on anyone so late in the day, but if I did and I got spammed as your friend has I think I'd block you tbh.

Yikes.

Maybe he finds you too intense and I can sort of see why if I'm honest

Why shouldn't I think screw you I'll spam you with the journey and how good the event was.
You missed a great afternoon etc !

He doesn’t care about missing a great afternoon. If he did, he wouldn’t have missed it.

I think you’re hoping to inspire feelings of guilt or regret that just aren’t coming. Accept that this “friend” is a flake - you’ve had enough warning - and don’t bother with him again.

I doubt people here would be OK with someone cancelling every time.

Not enjoying eating my lunch on a park bench with pigeons everywhere .

I wouldn't be ok with it but:
a) I wouldn't send them unpleasant text messages
b) I wouldn't make arrangements to meet up with them again.

Stop arranging to meet up with him. He can't or doesn't want to meet up with you.

No that's true, but she did ask about the impact on her own MH, which I think is a reasonable question. Also, if all someone has to do is say they have MH issues to get a free pass for bad behaviour it would be very bad for those who suffer from actual mental illness.

We can (and should) all sympathise with people who have MH conditions, but I don't think that means that we should all be expected to act as therapists, or to be put to significant inconvenience as a result of what must be a fairly predictable occurrence. It is for the friend to navigate - if he knows he is likely to pull out (and experience will show him that this is likely, surely?) then he shouldn't make concrete arrangements with others and cancel at the last minute. How will he ever find a way to live in the world if the expectation is that everyone else has to centre his needs with good grace?

People often compare MH to broken limbs - 'would you be cross with someone who takes time off work because of a broken leg?' sort of thing, and when that relates to sympathy and understanding it is a fair comparison. But if that question were to be asked about this situation it would be fair to reply that, yes, it would be perfectly reasonable to be cross if they had agreed to go on a hilly walk knowing that they had difficulty walking.

It's a really shitty way to treat you.

If they suffer from anxiety (sorry, if I've got this wrong) then they might have been trying to leave their house to meet you up until the last minute. Then they might have realised that they couldn't. The outing they had the week before may have triggered more anxiety. I used to suffer like this and, thank God, I don't anymore. In those days I and others had no understanding of it, but I went through absolute torture with it.

It must be very difficult for someone who doesn't suffer this way to even begin to understand what goes in the mind of someone who does. When I look back at some of my own behaviour in the past I think I would have let some people down at the last minute. Because I suffered from such low self esteem and anxiety I would think that they really wouldn't care if I turned up or not. They did.

Moving forward, you are under no obligation to put up with this kind of treatment. If you don't want to meet up with them again, I would suggest being honest and direct but try not to be unkind in doing so. Good luck..

Exactly what gives them the right to control when plans are cancelled.
Why aren't my feelings considered. I'd say I'm an idiot for thinking they would actually meet this time.

I always find it odd when it's always one party that moves the goal posts and times / dates when arranging meets.
Any psychologists in the house??
Do more vunerable or desperate people, let people cancel on them multiple times and still forgive eventually??

@AgnesX nope, I'm not the friend😂

I agree it's a shitty thing to do if it's last minute but OP has gone all out there spamming with messages wanting a reaction from him. A message was sent saying they couldn't go (whatever the reason) and turning it into an argument isn't going to change the result.

OP saying about the impact on her MH is just the same, being annoyed doesn't equal affecting MH but that's the spin OP has given.

Anxiety can be crippling and I think allowances can be made a couple of times, but if there's a pattern, like OP is saying, if you are going to say their MH issues are going to affect your MH, then why do it?

I just don't see how you can get so angry, rage spamming someone, that you know has form, yet still arrange a meet up.

It depends. I would, but that's because the anxiety comes with very low self esteem.

These days I have enough awareness to know that it isn't ok to be treated like that, though.

On the other side, when you have an attack of anxiety you can't really control it. Your fear becomes a reality. You want to behave differently but you can't. It's awful because you do end up letting people down and losing friends.

(As you can tell I am not a psychologist).

I agree that we don't know enough about either of them to be sure if one or both has MH problems (other than that neither of them have exhibited particularly healthy behaviour), but the sympathies of the thread are largely with the friend and not the OP, which is what I am questioning. The OP is castigated for sending the texts (which I agree are an overreaction) but the friend is excused because he may have anxiety.

I understand that anxiety can be crippling, but so can a broken leg, so people with either should think twice before agreeing to an arrangement they don't know if they will be able to honour. It's not a judgement on the severity of the illness, but about the lack of consideration for others.

@Aquarius1234 Spamming him with texts was over the top, particularly as you know he has form. Too late now but you should have either completed ignored him & blocked or responded with a "lol I knew you'd bail which is I only bought one ticket" & blocked. Any way block, he's not a friend and you don't need people like that taking up your headspace.

I really hate people who cancel on me repeatedly, and I distance myself, anxiety or not. I don't care about the reason frankly. I have my own troubles.

That said, you have overreacted. A chilly "Thanks for letting me know anyway" and a rapid deletion of their number is fine. You sound way too intense.

ir perhaps do the decent thing and not agree in the first place….

That too simple?

I think the sympathies are with the friend because he has been bombarded with texts complaining about him and also the OP does not come across well at all. She comes across quite overbearing and pushy. That's why.
Yeah, him flaking out was shit but we don't know what the backstory is here. It might be something of an unwanted friendship in a way and he doesn't know how to extricate himself properly.

I was thinking of the I only bought one ticket.
The funny thing I was only going to buy one ticket but wasn't allowed on the online ticket system as it wouldn't let me leave a seat on its own.
And there wasn't any other option.
So yes I wasn't expecting the money but I did think after all the good positive texts and looking forward to the play he might actually show up.
11 30 am to cancel when my train to was 11 50 !

OP, by any chance is this a guy you were dating once/met on a dating app but he was “let’s just be friends”?

Only asking as this pattern of behaviour is very much like that of a man who only wants you when he wants you, and knows he can keep dangling you as you are more invested than he is.

Is this a romantic relationship? Sounds like it.

I think as he lives with his parents he just didn't want to tell them he was out today
As he doesn't go out much so perhaps they would ask who with etc..
Such a lame excuse. Has anxiety sometimes yet goes cinema often or stuff with immediate family.
I don't need to do that with my parents! I live alone and can lie if I want. Or say I went out with company even if it was alone. My life to say whatever.

Why do you even want to meet this guy? Sounds like a complete loser and hard work in every way.

Friends are supposed to be fun.