People Cancelling Last Minute!!

[Aquarius1234]

Thoughts on people cancelling plans last minute ??
Eg on the day or literally with 20 mins before you need to leave the house.
I had booked tickets for something involving train journey.
I'm now going alone.
My so called mate cancelled last minute.
It still shocked me as it was 15 mins before I needed to leave.
Said mate I hadn't seen in ages and ages and was curious whether the same pattern would happen again!!
Fuming.
I've sent lots of message but non read so obv avoiding looking!!
I thought I'd try a new tactics by going through my journey and day to spite him ?
I have also said I think you just couldn't be bothered also and it's it strange your not responding to my messages when your the one that cancelled ?
I'd normally not be able to relax all day knowing if id cancelled. ( gulit) .
I would ok with a couple of texts. This was a long pathetic message and no reply. So it would not have mattered if I just didn't read the message.
It's like they have turned their phone off.
Rude! They say due to anxiety not liking busy places.
But surely my anxiety and stress levels through the roof now by letting this happen again?
I wouldn't have sent loads of messages if I wasnt bothered and stressed.

I think your reaction is wild. I would also be avoiding meeting someone who reacted like that!

Do you think you’d be able to calm your reactions a bit? It might mean you hang onto more friends!

Yes, it feeds the organiser's anxiety if they never know if they are going somewhere alone or in company, will lose money on fares/babysitters/tickets, have wasted a day off etc, as well as the blow to their self-esteem. Many people say 'oh, just go on your own', but not everyone is comfortable doing things alone, and anyway there is still the wasted money and inconvenience. If you think you are doing something with friend A you will plan things to suit what they like doing, which may not be what you would choose to do with friend B, or on your own.

It's rubbish, and I have dropped people for repeatedly letting me down by dropping out of things.

In this situation I'm the one more annoyed let down than the one that can't be asked.
He lives with his parents currently. And requires a lift to station. I said you probably just didn't ask your dad for a lift.
That is the only reason. Perhaps he didn't want them to question what he was doing. Being nearly 30.. odd to let your parents control you.

Do they have actual diagnosed anxiety?

Have you thought that your attitude to changing plans may be the reason they had struggled to cancel earlier as they knew that you'd be like this?

Just thoughts.

It seems to be getting a bit mad now. You clearly think he can't be arsed. He probably didn't want to meet you if this is how you are with everything else. I would say you're better off not being mates.

I had a friend like this, thought nothing of cancelling last minute. I lived alone and her cancelling often meant I didn’t end up speaking to anyone that wknd which would have a negative impact on my mental health. I got tired of her mental health being more important than mine and stopped responding to her. In fact I learnt to just enjoy life without relying on others coming along and I’m honestly so much happier.

Yes I've lost 35 quid but that's the least of my problems. It's the not knowing if I'm kidding myself with these flaky people.
It makes you feel you are the problem when it actually isn't.

You are the problem though, as evidenced by your extreme texting.

Yeah sorry OP. I’m inclined to agree with this. You could relax a little about it all, it might help you long term.

Can you go alone?

Well he would be an EX friend for sure. It is really unforgivable barring plague, pestilence or hospitalization at that stage. Fuck him.

If someone has serious anxiety and routinely cancels things, why do they make concrete plans? Far better to let people organise things without them and see if it's possible to join in at the last minute than to have things organised around them then let people down.

It's the lack of respect and consideration that is so exasperating. It's effectively saying 'yes, organise something taking me into account, make arrangements around what we agree, commit financially and I'll let you know on the day if I'm in the mood for it'. Who would make plans on that basis?

Yes, this is a valid point.

I think you and your "friend" sound as bad as each other tbh.

Just ditch him. Move on. Find some new, healthier friendships.

I am going alone, but there was a moment where I was like oh God I've got five minutes I'm gonna miss the train. Can I be bothered ahhhh after having to read the text while I was about to leave getting ready!

Eh??
So if I understand correctly, they had form for cancelling last minute and you don't sound very close. You shouldn't be surprised they did it again, it was always a possibility.

He should pay you back for the ticket. It may not be his fault he can't go but he shouldn't expect you to just take the financial hit for that.

Someone said to me years ago that certain people cancel as they can and always get away with it! Form of abuse.

Look, your friend may well have mental health vulnerabilities, the picture you paint makes it sound as if they clearly do, but you obviously don't like them very much anyway, so move on. Enjoy your day.

Oh calm down this is a person you have had no contact with for ages and arranged a meet up. He cancelled. He is absolutely not fucking abusing you. Get a grip.

If I'd got to the stage where I was sending the kind of messages you are, I'd class the friendship as over and not bother with them again. Have a good time and don't waste your energy

MH or not, I have very little patience for this having been through it with someone who was once a close friend. It fucked my own MH and upset my kids too when our plans kept falling through at the last minute.

I'm far less tolerant of flakiness now. And happier for it too.

One text expressing your disappointment would be fine but ‘negative texts’ (so plural?) plus multiple texts as to how the day is going when it’s clear he isn’t reading (which means despite your pretence otherwise you know these texts are having a go at him) as well?

He’s behaved badly (but may have medical reasons for doing so), you are behaving worse.

If it was me you’d be blocked and deleted by now.

I also live alone but often see close family some weekends. But would actually prefer to go out with a friend or two.
I of course now wouldn't tell anyone that said mate failed to turn up.
So yeh I tend to do stuff alone now. Shame but there is no pressure or worry I guess. Plus easier sometimes to find one ticket.

That is disappointing. I don't see why though people book tickets for others? You have the hassle then of getting the money back from flaky ones. Just book your own tickets and let them do the same.

Yes a last minute cancellation is very annoying, but more so from someone who has form.
Personally my response to those is cooler, it's a polite acknowledgment but nothing more. No reassurances, no sympathy.
"Thanks for letting me know."
That sort of thing.

It's a sort of 'three strikes' system. When I sense I'm being mugged off by that same person again, I don't respond to the cancellation at all. I read but do not reply.
From that point on no further arrangements will be made. I will remain friendly but always unavailable. And they know why.

Another timewaster dealt with. No stress.