MY birthday / HIS mother

[CoffeenWalnut]

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that not only do I have to ring around to find somewhere nice for lunch for my birthday tomorrow, but I have to book for THREE?
I appreciate that his mother is an elderly widow, but he could have taken her out on HIS birthday (which was last Thursday) and I suggested it sufficiently far in advance for him to organise it, but he didn't get his ducks in a row and now he insists she tags along with us on my birthday : I am not a happy bunny!

quite the turnaround from the day before

I suggested it sufficiently far in advance for him to organise it, but he didn't get his ducks in a row and now he insists she tags along with us on my birthday

I have several family members and close friends whose husbands died from medical conditions younger than my DH is now, so to those criticising me for being "mean" to his elderly mother, she could well outlive him.

bit of a weird analogy op

it's not about not getting to choose the rest of the year. but, for example, a few years back, what I wanted to do was rewatch my favourite TV show, with my best friend and my husband. 6 hours of TV. on a normal day, I wouldn't feel I could ask them to put up with that, as they're not as into it as me. but as it was my birthday, we went out, got lots of nibbles and drinks, and binge watched it together, and it was LOVELY. it meant a lot to me. I'd do the same for a friend in that situation, even if the show doesn't interest me.
it's a day you can say, this is what I want, and you don't get to veto it.

right. for some people going out for lunch is AS much of a treat as a weekend in venice is for some other people.
and on your birthday, you shouldn't have to invite someone you don't get on with.

I've got my birthday, and I'm annoyed because my husband let one of my local friends think she might be able to stay over. but my friend from across the country is coming.
the local friend would HAPPILY sleep on the sofa (she's pretty short) or on an airbed, BUT.
I simply don't have the spoons to have them both staying with me at once.
we've compromised that we're going to have a day out all together, and then dinner. but I can't HOST both of them. I love them both dearly but they both tire me out. lovely people, but hard work. I can only host one at a time. fortunately, she's happy with that arrangement, and she can stay over on another weekend.

Yeah I understand.

@CoCoffeenWalnut why did he invite your friend to the meal because his mother couldn't come? Why didn't he want it to be just the 2 of you?

Sorry, that should be @CoffeenWalnut

So you got what you wanted and told her not to come?

I think he thought the friend and I would enjoy catching up....... she's coming round later in the week.
@speedmop It's not an analogy, it's a statement of fact. I don't want to wait until my MiL dies before getting to spend special time with my DH, because he (or I) might well die before her.
And re the post you quote at 18:12 - that was about him failing to arrange a meal with his Mum on his birthday, which is less than a week before mine (but during the week so needs to be arranged around work committments).

read your own Op

all sounds a bit like a can’t be arsed husband who “insisted” that he brought his mum along to your birthday meal despite you not at all happy about it

🤷

but you’re doing a bloody good job on putting a positive spin on it all and i guess that is your approach, which is no bad thing i suppose!

Hope next goes better

Nope, you’re not being unreasonable. Tell him you want to enjoy a lunch with him and that he can take you out again with his DM on another occasion. Happy birthday.

This!!

If he only said no to going away last Wednesday you’d probably left it too late to book somewhere hadn’t you? As you’ve mentioned booking for 3 you don’t seem to need to factor in children so why aren’t you going out for the evening to celebrate? Then lunch with MIL is just that. You sound quite cross and unreasonable but clearly there’s more going on in terms of how much support he provides to his mother and how that’s impacting on your life together. The impression given is that communication between you is poor on this issue.

it was mine on Sunday. my friend came from across the country, and managed to get my mum, and my ex work colleague who I love dearly to come out with us for a day at the very good local aquarium, which was lovely, followed by a meal out. we paid for my work friend, as she really struggles with money and it was her birthday last week, so that was our birthday present for her, to take her out for a nice meal, as, like me, she loves a special meal. it was really great. but like I said. that's the thing. you get to call the shots. my mum doesn't really go out for a day often. she enjoys it when she does, but is reluctant to do so.
we had such a lovely day together. all doing things I fancied doing that day. learned that my work friends child used to call sea anemones "jelly bobs" and now they'll always be that to me. but to me, that's the thing. you can choose the activities, and the company you want, and what you want to eat.
my two friends together are VERY tiring work, as they're both....hmmm how to put it, they use a lot of spoons. I love them both dearly. both at once is tiring. but everyone gets on so well, and it was wonderful to spend time together as our weird little gang.
even if, after my non local friend left this morning, I went to bed for the whole morning because I was knackered.