Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MY birthday / HIS mother

190 replies

CoffeenWalnut · 05/10/2024 09:06

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that not only do I have to ring around to find somewhere nice for lunch for my birthday tomorrow, but I have to book for THREE?
I appreciate that his mother is an elderly widow, but he could have taken her out on HIS birthday (which was last Thursday) and I suggested it sufficiently far in advance for him to organise it, but he didn't get his ducks in a row and now he insists she tags along with us on my birthday : I am not a happy bunny!

OP posts:
secondchancesat · 05/10/2024 16:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Tink3rbell30 · 05/10/2024 16:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Teen, almost young adults.

secondchancesat · 05/10/2024 16:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

secondchancesat · 05/10/2024 16:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Demonhunter · 05/10/2024 17:52

CrowleyKitten · 05/10/2024 15:24

you get one day a year that can be all about what YOU want to do, to eat, and so on. I never expect a present from my other half (he spoils me at Christmas, but I've always said when he asks if I want anything, that I want a nice day out and a nice meal out. that's my priority) and I get that. I get to choose somewhere nice to eat, and a day out doing something fun. one of my friends from back at school usually travels across the country to spend a few days with us, and it's lovely.
there's nothing wrong with an adult wanting to be treated to a nice day and a nice meal on their birthday.

Show quote history

Perhaps for some, it's because we don't only get one day a year we get that. I regularly get to choose where we eat, what we do, days out etc, as does my DP and the kids. We make it pretty even. Maybe that's why some dont understand why all the fuss over birthdays (I get big birthdays can be seen as a bit of a fuss)

No one is right or wrong, just personal preference I guess, but if you're married to someone you would think they'd know you enough to respect it, if you do like a fuss. I think if that is the one day a year you get to choose anything, then it would be a big deal.

Wellingtonspie · 05/10/2024 17:55

Rule in our home and tbh family is birthday person picks dinner. Be that take away, restaurant or something they want home made. Even as toddlers they got to pick dinner.

Demonhunter · 05/10/2024 18:25

Wellingtonspie · 05/10/2024 17:55

Rule in our home and tbh family is birthday person picks dinner. Be that take away, restaurant or something they want home made. Even as toddlers they got to pick dinner.

I would think that was fairly standard. It's more the fact of it being a big issue if you have to be the one to book it or if someone else wants to join you, like "it's my special day" From reading what a lot of people say, I think it may be that is the only day they do get to choose or that the OH contributes little to the relationship on that score, so that's the only time it's expected of them.

The people I know that have birthday demands do so for the attention, not that it's the one day they do get. Perhaps that's why people are torn on the issue. It's helpful to see another angle to be honest, I'd never really thought about not having a partner who doesn't do these things for you just anytime because they want to so it makes it important.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/10/2024 08:03

Go for a massage or spa day and let him take his mum for lunch and you for dinner

speedmop · 06/10/2024 16:27

OP…. Just back from Sunday lunch, and there was a table for 3 adjacent to us with only a couple seated at it. In stony silence. I could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. Was it you and your DH?!

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 06/10/2024 18:10

Book yourself a day out. Spa. Nice dinner. And buy yourself a nice gift and big flowers. Let him go for dinner with his mother, you have your day for you 💐💜

FeedingThem · 06/10/2024 18:21

Tink3rbell30 · 05/10/2024 11:12

Your replies are horrible, I can't see any reason for you to dislike this elderly lady. The way you comment about her is awful. She was there before you and will always be more important than you. It's just a birthday, she might not even be around for that much longer.

Why on earth is she more important than op? They're both human beings deserving of love and respect. One isn't more important because they're really old

laraitopbanana · 06/10/2024 18:29

bitsalty · 05/10/2024 09:10

Don't do it. Either refuse to go with her or make other plans. No-one can force you to go along with what they want.

That.

go for a spa day!

GivingitToGod · 06/10/2024 18:43

YANBU but my advice is paint a smile on your face and ENJOY!
Will cause too much aggro otherwise

BooBooDoodle · 06/10/2024 19:05

He wants his mother to go then he can go with her on his own. This is unfair on you. Don’t book anything and go out for a solo day instead. Book a spa day for one and when it’s his birthday, mirror him and don’t do anything.

cuddlebear · 06/10/2024 19:05

Why is he so set against spending time just the two of you? I would have said no, that’s not what I want on my birthday.

How would he react if you arranged something on his birthday for you and your close family member?

Toptops · 06/10/2024 19:10

Am I the only person feeling sorry for mil?
She didn't create this situation, DH did.

speedmop · 06/10/2024 19:24

Toptops · 06/10/2024 19:10

Am I the only person feeling sorry for mil?
She didn't create this situation, DH did.

can’t say i particularly feel “sorry” for any one in this scenario

We are talking about about sunday lunch

i suppose if anyone i feel sorry for the OP but not for a gate crashed birthday meal.
Being married to someone thoughtless, self absorbed and apparently very keen not to go for lunch just with his wife without someone else there too

pikkumyy77 · 06/10/2024 21:48

Why us this any problem at all for MIL? She can manage one meal alone.

Slawbans · 07/10/2024 09:14

Lemonadeand · 05/10/2024 13:13

It’s just going out for lunch? It’s hardly a city break to Venice.

Show quote history

What a tone deaf comment. Going out for lunch is more of a big deal for some than others. You may do it every week but not everyone has or can afford that lifestyle.

YeahNoIDontThinkSo · 07/10/2024 09:31

It's not tone deaf at all. It's in reply to a poster who was making out that OP is making a huuuuuge deal of her birthday by wanting to go out for dinner.

speedmop · 07/10/2024 09:34

Slawbans · 07/10/2024 09:14

What a tone deaf comment. Going out for lunch is more of a big deal for some than others. You may do it every week but not everyone has or can afford that lifestyle.

Show quote history

bit of a knee jerk there @Slawbans

MistressWeatherwax1 · 07/10/2024 09:34

I'd book a table for two and when you're ready to leave for lunch tell him to enjoy his lunch with MIL and head off out to meet your friends.

speedmop · 07/10/2024 09:57

MistressWeatherwax1 · 07/10/2024 09:34

I'd book a table for two and when you're ready to leave for lunch tell him to enjoy his lunch with MIL and head off out to meet your friends.

It was yesterday
It was either a tense table for 2
Or
a tense table for 3

GivingitToGod · 07/10/2024 11:59

speedmop · 06/10/2024 19:24

can’t say i particularly feel “sorry” for any one in this scenario

We are talking about about sunday lunch

i suppose if anyone i feel sorry for the OP but not for a gate crashed birthday meal.
Being married to someone thoughtless, self absorbed and apparently very keen not to go for lunch just with his wife without someone else there too

Edited
Show quote history

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. At the end of the day, it is a LUNCH, nothing more, nothing less. And OP will have plenty of time with her husband

Original poster
CoffeenWalnut · 07/10/2024 18:09

speedmop · 06/10/2024 16:27

OP…. Just back from Sunday lunch, and there was a table for 3 adjacent to us with only a couple seated at it. In stony silence. I could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. Was it you and your DH?!

No, not us (but I imagine it must have amused you to wonder) - there was no spare chair at our table and we had a lovely meal: and are going away for a city break in a couple of weeks. The reason he decided so late against going away this weekend was a) the weather and b) the traveling time to the destination he'd suggested.
I have several family members and close friends whose husbands died from medical conditions younger than my DH is now, so to those criticising me for being "mean" to his elderly mother, she could well outlive him.

OP posts: