Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MY birthday / HIS mother

190 replies

CoffeenWalnut · 05/10/2024 09:06

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that not only do I have to ring around to find somewhere nice for lunch for my birthday tomorrow, but I have to book for THREE?
I appreciate that his mother is an elderly widow, but he could have taken her out on HIS birthday (which was last Thursday) and I suggested it sufficiently far in advance for him to organise it, but he didn't get his ducks in a row and now he insists she tags along with us on my birthday : I am not a happy bunny!

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 05/10/2024 09:35

redorangeye110w · 05/10/2024 09:32

To be fair it's not a big task. Where do you want to eat. Go online and book a table. Surely it's a five minute job for either of you

I think it's her DH's insistence that his mother should be invited that she is most annoyed about.

MaryShelley1818 · 05/10/2024 09:36

Well I wouldn't take it out on his mother, who you describe as an elderly widow but I really value our family relationships. You may have a different dynamic.
I'd enjoy a meal out all 3 of you and then book a nice meal out for the 2 of you later next week. Surely the more celebrations the better.

category12 · 05/10/2024 09:37

redorangeye110w · 05/10/2024 09:32

To be fair it's not a big task. Where do you want to eat. Go online and book a table. Surely it's a five minute job for either of you

It's part of the point, isn't it?

It's such a small effort yet he can't be arsed to do it for her birthday.

Original poster
CoffeenWalnut · 05/10/2024 09:39

redorangeye110w · 05/10/2024 09:32

To be fair it's not a big task. Where do you want to eat. Go online and book a table. Surely it's a five minute job for either of you

Unfortunately not : where we live it is very hard to find a decent restaurant which is not fully booked weeks ahead.
I've just spent a fruitless half an hour researching and contacting three nice restaurants...... all of which are fully booked, because it's for tomorrow (it's not as if he knew in advance my birthday was on a Sunday this year.......).
Actually,it is my fault : I should have booked somewhere nice for two several weeks ago - that would have stopped him inviting his mother, but I had actually suggested that we could go away for the weekend and he only told me we wouldn't be going away last Wednesday.
The problem is that it makes me look like a witch if I refuse to let his mother tag along as he usually goes to hers for Sunday lunch (on his own, since I have refused to go since the kids left home).

OP posts:
category12 · 05/10/2024 09:41

Do you disike his mother?

PTSDBarbiegirl · 05/10/2024 09:41

Good God, no, no, no!!
He can take his Mother out but why on your birthday. Feck that, wish them all the best and take yourself off for a nice massage instead.

pictoosh · 05/10/2024 09:47

Agree...he can take his mum out any time.

Is he embarrassed that you don't ever go for Sunday lunch with her?

Is he trying to reassure her/force a dynamic between you?

Original poster
CoffeenWalnut · 05/10/2024 09:47

category12 · 05/10/2024 09:41

Do you disike his mother?

Lets just say I'm not keen to spend time with her. I understand that families are important, and we spend a lot of time taking her to visit her grand daughter who lives a four hour drive away and has just had a baby. So many things have become complicated as now we have to factor in "grandma" as she is unable to use public transport, and I accept that. It's just the fact that it's MY birthday and that rather than have lunch wth her on HIS birthday (last week) he wants to include her in my celebration, and eat into the time we have as a couple, which is reduced at the moment as we have jobs with timetables that mean we often don't see each other for more than an hour or two in the evening.
My own family are in a different country and my closest friends are away at the moment, and where we live there's not really anywhere nice for me to go out on my own.

OP posts:
nootcoffee · 05/10/2024 09:47

OP

i am guessing this issue aside, your marriage is far from happy and thriving.

Ok, so you and dh go out alone. I’m imagining silence and tension.

Original poster
CoffeenWalnut · 05/10/2024 09:49

nootcoffee · 05/10/2024 09:47

OP

i am guessing this issue aside, your marriage is far from happy and thriving.

Ok, so you and dh go out alone. I’m imagining silence and tension.

Not at all
We have our differences of opinion, but we've been married a long time ......

OP posts:
itsjustbiology · 05/10/2024 09:51

Had a thought about what you said darling and no its not happening
Why not he replies
Because I don't want to you reply
End of conversation

nootcoffee · 05/10/2024 09:52

CoffeenWalnut · 05/10/2024 09:49

Not at all
We have our differences of opinion, but we've been married a long time ......

Show quote history

been married a long time doesn’t mean much

read your own op

you asked him to book for your birthday
he didn’t bother
despite you and his mil being far from close, he’s insistent she join
and the here you are… day before your birthday, pissed off that you are “having” to ring around to book somewhere because he still can’t be arsed to do it

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/10/2024 09:53

It’s been ruined already so stop trying to find a restaurant and tell him you don’t want to have lunch with him. Do something else, anything else.

Gladicalled · 05/10/2024 09:57

I mean this gently Op, but it like you must on some level get something out of this.

You know it’s ruined. You know he can’t be arsed. You don’t want to go to lunch with his mum but are putting all the effort into making it happen anyway.

You wouldn’t be doing that if there wasn’t a benefit to you. It sounds like, on some level, you enjoy being a martyr. But don’t realise it.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 05/10/2024 09:58

Stop looking for restaurants, let him go to his Mums as per usual & book yourself a nice spa treat or see a friend or something instead & get takeaway in the evening with your husband - you've fallen into a bit of a poor me trap and it's within your power to make the day different and enjoyable for yourself ... go do it & I hope you have a lovely day

Enko · 05/10/2024 10:00

Frankly mil was amazing so I would have loved to do this.

Its a conversation to have with your dh about how it makes you feel unappreciated and spell out what you want from him. It's OK to not like what he chose to do.

crumblingschools · 05/10/2024 10:01

How old is she? Can he do lunch with her today and you do your birthday meal tomorrow? Can you never do something different on a Sunday?

tinglingallover · 05/10/2024 10:05

Lemonadeand · 05/10/2024 09:26

Just tell him you want your birthday lunch to be just the two of you. And add that it’s so important to you to keep a bit of romance, intimacy and connection alive in a marriage. I find men generally hear and understand what you’re saying better when there is an underlying hint of possible sex.

Edited

But you shouldn't have to do that?

ginasevern · 05/10/2024 10:08

MaryShelley1818 · 05/10/2024 09:36

Well I wouldn't take it out on his mother, who you describe as an elderly widow but I really value our family relationships. You may have a different dynamic.
I'd enjoy a meal out all 3 of you and then book a nice meal out for the 2 of you later next week. Surely the more celebrations the better.

I totally agree. It's a done deal now and it would be really unkind to tell his mother that she can't come at this late stage. I would however be having words with my DH. He should absolutely have asked you first. In our household we usually celebrated birthdays with a "family" meal out (which would include mum or MIL) and then one for just me and DH.

toomuchfaff · 05/10/2024 10:10

Let him arrange to go out with his mother; you arrange to go out with someone who you want to go out with and will devote their time and attention to your event.

Show him your boundaries.

Original poster
CoffeenWalnut · 05/10/2024 10:18

crumblingschools · 05/10/2024 10:01

How old is she? Can he do lunch with her today and you do your birthday meal tomorrow? Can you never do something different on a Sunday?

He's gone to hers now (which is why he's left me to organise tomorrow) - to be fair he is running around after her, going to the chemist's and taking her to the funeral home to pay her respects to someone (that doesn't necessarily mean it's a close bereavement, just that it's the "done thing", and she's nearly 90 so it could be her "turn" soon).
The problem is that he's a "dutiful son" and can see her becoming more and more dependant and needy as the months go by..........

OP posts:
thursdaymurderclub · 05/10/2024 10:21

So you were hoping he was going to take you away for the weekend and you only found out on Wednesday that this was not happening? Why? was somethig planned and things fell through? Do you not communcate in your marriage, have a conversation something like.. 'my birthday is coming up, i'd like to do something nice' or did you sit in silence with the expectation that he would pull something out of the hat as a surprise for you? whats happened every other birthday you have had? is this a special one?

Have you considered that HIS mother might want to treat you for your birthday?

Personally, for me, its no big deal! its another birthday! unless its a big one, its just another day!

thursdaymurderclub · 05/10/2024 10:22

CoffeenWalnut · 05/10/2024 10:18

He's gone to hers now (which is why he's left me to organise tomorrow) - to be fair he is running around after her, going to the chemist's and taking her to the funeral home to pay her respects to someone (that doesn't necessarily mean it's a close bereavement, just that it's the "done thing", and she's nearly 90 so it could be her "turn" soon).
The problem is that he's a "dutiful son" and can see her becoming more and more dependant and needy as the months go by..........

Show quote history

you sound horrible to be honest.. she's 90 and she's quite right, she might not be around that much longer and can you blame his son for wanting to take care of her?

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 05/10/2024 10:24

Well I wouldn't book anywhere, problem solved. Go out with a friend.

Thfrog · 05/10/2024 10:25

He should be booking somewhere nice for the two of you. You're right his mum should be at his birthday not yours.