MY birthday / HIS mother

[CoffeenWalnut]

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that not only do I have to ring around to find somewhere nice for lunch for my birthday tomorrow, but I have to book for THREE?
I appreciate that his mother is an elderly widow, but he could have taken her out on HIS birthday (which was last Thursday) and I suggested it sufficiently far in advance for him to organise it, but he didn't get his ducks in a row and now he insists she tags along with us on my birthday : I am not a happy bunny!

Say actually 'it doesnt matter, im going out with (insert friends name) and you can sort taking your mother out'

I'm already anticipating the thread in a few months' time about how the 'dutiful son' has now realised his mum is unable to manage living independently anymore, but expects OP to do the care for her as he hasn't got around to arranging it and is too busy

Go out with a friend.

It's your birthday and if having his mother there is a big deal to you then that's fair enough. Some people like their birthdays a certain way, doesn't make anyone right or wrong, but if he knows it's your preference he should respect that.

You do sound a bit mean though, surrounding the general help he gives his 90 yr old mother.

the more replies i read the more i think theres a back story we don't know.. the OP has refused to go to sunday lunch anymore now the kids are grown? she feels her DH is a 'dutiful son"? she never organised anything for DH's birthday but is annoyed that he's done nothing for hers?

if MIL is in her 90's, thats got to be putting the OP and her DH say maybe 60/70 ish?

sounds like this marriage is pretty much at an end, you've outgrown each other, time to move on.

She could’ve tagged along for the DH last week, but he didn’t do anything to tag along.

OP didn’t organise anything and vice versa he’s not organised anything for her.

Why do you state that his mother is more important than his wife? That is so wrong! When I got married, although my husband was close to his mother, I always came first and I would have been disappointed and hurt had that not been the case.
It’s said that any woman, meeting her boyfriend’s mother for the first time, can tell a lot about how he would treat a wife by the way he treats his mum. In my experience (with friends etc) that seems to be true.

That happens when you’re 90, you tend to need more help.

Of course DH should have booked lunch or made some plans for your birthday. As a long time married he must know that is of importance to you.
However, in general, I think a good indication of how you will be treated by your DH is shown by the way they care for other female family members.
On this occasion I would make it clear you expect more effort from him and suggest he gets his finger out now, and books an amazing anniversary or New Year treat for you both.

Could you turn this into ‘his’ birthday meal or lunch, and insist you and he do something for your birthday lunch? I’d also insist he ring round instead of you!

Tell him that your birthday treat is a long, brisk countryside walk with lunch at a fabulous gastropub en-route. Is MIL still coming?

Not inviting his mum to his own birthday but expectng to bring her to yours - FGS.

Has she maybe expressed a particular interest in wanting to celebrate your birthday wth you?

He hasn't spun this round for a minute has he, and thought how he would like ringing round places for his own birthday and for your mum to come along to that!

I never understand why some adult MNers want to make such a big deal of their birthdays.

Tell him it’s just the 2 of you on your birthday. Bite the bullet and book somewhere nice yourself (for 2). Tell him he can arrange something for the 3 of you next week and you can make a fuss of his mum so she feels special

I think it's more that some peoples' male partners show such lack of effort or consideration that it unexpectedly makes it more of a thing than it had to be.

Because - surprise, surprise - people are different and plenty of people like to mark their birthdays. It's not really 'making a big deal' to go out for dinner is it. 🙄🙄

I don't care much about birthdays at all but OP would like to be treated to something special by her husband on the day, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Ignore the haters, OP. My parents are in their 90’s and my dh and I help them a lot—in fact every Sunday among other things—but we also manage to go away for the weekend or celebrate our birthdays just the two of us.

Just have this conversation seriously with your dh. Tell him you both need time unwinding and being together without work and family. Book the two of you a birthday holiday as soon as you can and go,go,go!

@thursdaymurderclub

What is horrible about wanting to go out on her birthday without MIL, when her DH didn't take his mother out on his own birthday?

Also some people spend the rest of the year seeing to everyone else and would like a bit of a special day for their birthday, which seems fair enough. It shouldn't be that difficult to book a restaurant but it seems to totally defeat some men.

@CoffeenWalnut I hope you find something lovely to do for your birthday. Don't arrange for a meal out. Do something else - just you, or maybe with a friend.

I don't understand why you don't just let him go to his mum's as usual and book a restaurant for two on a week day.

It doesn't sound as though the OP gets on with her MIL. As it is the OP's birthday, it should be her decision who is invited, not her DH.

Does he have a problem with his hands and eyes that prevents him from using google and booking somewhere online?

Unless he does, i would refuse to do it. Why should you?