MY birthday / HIS mother

[CoffeenWalnut]

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that not only do I have to ring around to find somewhere nice for lunch for my birthday tomorrow, but I have to book for THREE?
I appreciate that his mother is an elderly widow, but he could have taken her out on HIS birthday (which was last Thursday) and I suggested it sufficiently far in advance for him to organise it, but he didn't get his ducks in a row and now he insists she tags along with us on my birthday : I am not a happy bunny!

I mean that all sounds fair enough tbh he sounds nice and caring. But he should still have sorted it out so she was there for his birthday.

He doesn't get to insist.

Do what you want.

If she is near 90 she will probably become more dependent. My DM has just hit 90 had a few illnesses in the last couple of months, which a few years ago would have had very little impact on her, but have hit her confidence more than anything and her mobility has suffered, so is much more dependent on us now.

Not saying he should have invited her to your birthday lunch which you have to organise, but she may need more help.

How long has the Sunday lunch thing been happening?

@thursdaymurderclub I don't think she's being horrible. He has 364 days of the year to take his mum out and do whatever. She is allowed one night with just her husband.

Couldn't you go out tonight for a nice dinner and he does Sunday lunch with his mother tomorrow? You could celebrate in the morning, or book yourself a facial, spa day or something to enjoy the day. I appreciate you'd want him to do something but don't let your day be ruined because of him.

Book somewhere nice for 2 people for your birthday meal.
Book somewhere else/ same place for the following weekend for 3 people to celebrate both your birthdays.
It'll take 10 minutes to book somewhere you really like , no one is excluded , you've simply reorganised when they are included.

It's just the fact that it's MY birthday and that rather than have lunch wth her on HIS birthday (last week) he wants to include her in my celebration

What’s his justification for this?

Oh god, how appeasing!

so distasteful! 🤢

You don't sound horrible. He can help his elderly mother - it sounds like you both do - but could have kept one day of the year just for you. And I'd be especially salty about him not taking her on HIS birthday... It's a way of making her your responsibility.

I would firmly organise something that shows you won't stand for it - you've been married a long time so will best know what this is. 🙂

no
just dont do it

I was actually quite on your side to begin with, but less so as the thread has gone on. You sound so resentful and disdainful of an elderly woman. And I’m guessing it’s a very common occurrence in real life. Sounds like if you had made the effort a bit more to even occasionally see her your husband wouldn’t be bringing her to see you for your birthday lunch.

Unless there’s a massive drip feed coming, and that information would definitely be relevant to opinions on this from the get go, then I just think so sound a bit mean.

Simply, this.

It seems to be his way of shovelling 'the wimmins' into one emotional duty chore, not respecting you as an individual.

I dont understand, so his birthday was last week and you didn't arrange anything for him, like going out for lunch with his mother but you are pissed off you have to arrange your own meal and his mum is coming along? Seems double standard unless I'm misreading.

It'd super annoying but can't you do both? Birthday lunch for 3 and then he cooks a lovely meal with some nice wine another day.

Word of warning @CoffeenWalnut this is a slippery slope, he will want his mother to move in next! Of course she shouldn't come as well. How ridiculous and annoying. You need to tell him no way, and mean it (and stick to it!)

The problem is that it makes me look like a witch if I refuse to let his mother tag along as he usually goes to hers for Sunday lunch (on his own, since I have refused to go since the kids left home).

No it really doesn't. You can have one week out of the year where your husband does something with you without including MIL. You do yourself no favours playing into that narrative - it's not witch-like at all. So ask for what you want, make it clear it's not negotiable and then don't worry about what others think. YANBU.

Honestly I’d end up ordering in a nice curry or Chinese and getting a nice bottle of wine.

He can take his mum out if he wants too. But I’d be celebrating my birthday eating food I want with who I want or alone. I wouldn’t be sorting it for someone else 🤷🏻‍♀️

If nowhere you want to go is available for tomorrow, then you message him to say sorry, he’s left it too late. No tables for tomorrow, he will have to come up with a different plan.

is there somewhere you could go out for the day you’d find interesting? Train to nearest city and an art gallery or museum? or down to the coast? Just make a plan for yourself and tell him he can cook for your mil as he’s decided against doing anything for your birthday.

This! @thursdaymurderclub how horrible do you consider the son for not including his dm on his birthday?..

All those with the 'YOU ARE HORRIBLE! HIS POOR MOTHER! WHY DONT YOU VISIT HER?!!!'.
Are you interested at all in finding out how involved the dh is in his in laws.... or does that not matter as this is clearly 'wife work' task?!

Just because mil is old, it doesn't follow that OP should effectively put her own life on hold to constantly include mil - she could live for a decade or more. Is the OP supposed to never be a priority within her own marriage?

It sounds to me like the dh is spending so much time running around after his mum and including her in everything they do, that he has no time or emotional energy left for his wife. But mil could live for a long time and meanwhile, what's left of OP's good health and time could be sucked into being constantly available to mil.
It does breed resentment, especially if you've spent years raising kids, building financial security and we're looking forward to some relaxing 'couple' focussed years, to travel etc.

Just because mil is old, it doesn't mean she's a sweet old lady either. Old people can be the same puts people they were when young, just older! Who knows what mil is like as a person.

His birthday was first? So why didn’t you get in first and book a table last week for his birthday with his mother? That would have left you free this weekend and to be honest you should’ve booked the weekend away so it was in the diary.

As opposed to a marriage with a man who can't be bothered with putting in any effort for his wife or his mothers birthday which is... what she has already?

Your replies are horrible, I can't see any reason for you to dislike this elderly lady. The way you comment about her is awful. She was there before you and will always be more important than you. It's just a birthday, she might not even be around for that much longer.

Honestly why can’t he just go to his mum’s for lunch as usual and then you guys go out another time/ get a M&S meal deal/ takeaway?

How some people get themselves into this situation is absolutely beyond me, surely you just say “Babe you go to your mums as usual then can you book something for next week just us/ order a take away/ go to M&S on the way back?”. No being a witch. If he pushes lunch for 3 just say you really don’t fancy it and would prefer to do something else, ad infinitum”. Don’t be ringing round trying to book something you don’t even want to do, that’s ridiculous.