MY birthday / HIS mother

[CoffeenWalnut]

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that not only do I have to ring around to find somewhere nice for lunch for my birthday tomorrow, but I have to book for THREE?
I appreciate that his mother is an elderly widow, but he could have taken her out on HIS birthday (which was last Thursday) and I suggested it sufficiently far in advance for him to organise it, but he didn't get his ducks in a row and now he insists she tags along with us on my birthday : I am not a happy bunny!

YABU because no you don't have to ring around include others. It's in your control. YABU to not say that's not going to work for me.

It’s just going out for lunch? It’s hardly a city break to Venice.

It's not wrong. She does come first, why would you be more important than the woman that brought him up all of his life? You don't demote your parent for someone else you've become close to. Equal yes but the parent shouldn't get shoved down the priority list.

Just don't go out at all. Say you'd rather a nice peaceful day at home, and tell him to go with his mum.

She just sounds bitter towards the lady, she hasn't given any reason when asked about not getting on with her etc. Her replies about her sound like she'd rather she wasn't around.

I have the feeling OP's dh does not want to spend an evening out with her alone, let alone a weekend away. What is he avoiding?

You don't demote your parent for someone else you've become close to. Equal yes but the parent shouldn't get shoved down the priority list.

Yes, you do. Obviously.

You know all those marriage vows and stuff? Choosing to spend your entire life with one person and forsaking all others? Your spouse isn't 'someone you'e become close to', you loon, it's your life partner.

You love your parents. You grow up, move out, make a life for yourself, maybe have children of your own. You still love your parents by they are no longer the primary people in your life.

If I am the most important person in my adult children's lives, I will have fucked something up along the way.

Doesn't mean I don't love my Mum and Dad.

OP, bollocks to the lot of it. Buy champagne, buy a luxurious dessert, tell DH you fancy a takeaway in the evening instead.

We brought up two sons. One married with children, the other with his partner. As far as we're concerned, each son's first responsibility is to his own family/partner, not to us.

Update : I rang round and eventually found a table for three at somewhere DH had suggested that is rather more upmarket than we'd usually go to.
Then he came home and said that his mum didn't feel well enough to go out with us, so he rang a friend of mine to invite her, but she's not available........ not sure if he's told the restaurant there'll only be two of us.
Thanks to the posters who reassured me that it's not unreasonable to want to spend quality time with my life partner on my birthday : his birthday was during the week and after he turned down my attempts to arrange a lunch meal with his Mum that day (he said he'd got too much work), we went out in the evening, wthout his Mum as she goes to bed early.

Priorities, eh?
Do something by yourself.
Preferably your whole life 😁

Then he came home and said that his mum didn't feel well enough to go out with us, so he rang a friend of mine to invite her, but she's not available........

I'm sorry but why was his first thought to invite ANOTHER person?

She didn’t do anything g for his birthday. It’s in the OP. There was no dinner because He didn’t organise anything.

He’s keen not to spend time alone with you, isn’t he.

id be questioning that.

Unless there’s a massive back story I would show some grace towards both of them.

I’d go out with a friend and leave him homes but why is he so keen for a third person… sounds like he’s not keen to spend time with you.

I don't agree but each to their own.

you get one day a year that can be all about what YOU want to do, to eat, and so on. I never expect a present from my other half (he spoils me at Christmas, but I've always said when he asks if I want anything, that I want a nice day out and a nice meal out. that's my priority) and I get that. I get to choose somewhere nice to eat, and a day out doing something fun. one of my friends from back at school usually travels across the country to spend a few days with us, and it's lovely.
there's nothing wrong with an adult wanting to be treated to a nice day and a nice meal on their birthday.

Fair enough!

I really hope you aren’t married or have kids!

Because if you’re expecting your kids to treat you as top priority in their adult lives, that is not a healthy state of affairs.

In our family birthdays are all about that person whether they be 1 , 41 or 101. Every year on earth we are blessed with , should be celebrated in style, no matter what age you are.

I said equal, not number one priority. I don't think you should demote a parent for a partner, partners come and go. A "life" partner usually isn't life these days. Everyone thinks differently though, if others want to put their parents aside and demote them down then they can, whether or not a stranger online agrees or not.

Yes sorry I do have kids.