MY birthday / HIS mother

[CoffeenWalnut]

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that not only do I have to ring around to find somewhere nice for lunch for my birthday tomorrow, but I have to book for THREE?
I appreciate that his mother is an elderly widow, but he could have taken her out on HIS birthday (which was last Thursday) and I suggested it sufficiently far in advance for him to organise it, but he didn't get his ducks in a row and now he insists she tags along with us on my birthday : I am not a happy bunny!

Hello OPs MIL, hope you have a lovely lunch.

You dont want to do this, there are no places available, so just tell him, nowhere was free, I'd like to do x instead. Or I'd like you dear husband go buy x and wrap x and get me a card and cook me a meal. Or whatever it is you would prefer.

And next year on his birthday expend as much energy as he has and wait for him to tell you what he wants. This is the new normal.

If you were able to say 'no' and be more assertive you would be less resentful of the MIL. You can say to your DH you understand that he wishes his mother to be there but you would like just you and him for your birthday and to see his mum another time. If he refuses to accept that then you can say it's a shame because you would have like to do lunch with him but that you will do something else instead then. No need for any drama or mean comments about the MIL. He can't make you go out for lunch with his mother any more than you can make him go out to lunch with you.

Yes, a lot of advice on MN seems to come from the idea that marriage ought to be about retaliation and counter-retaliation.

"The hell with communication - do the thing to your partner that upset you, but harder! That'll make things better!"

Ye gods why the hell should she? It’s not her mum and she doesn’t much like the woman. Plus last time I looked men also had fingers for dialling numbers, phones for finding restaurants and brains for, you know, thinking? He should have seen his mum another time and be doing something with the OP that she might actually enjoy.

Why is the default response for a man behaving like a senseless arse to blame the woman for not thinking ahead and putting schemes in place to safeguard against senseless arse behaviour?

Honestly I'd find a restaurant and book it for 2 and let him take his mother out alone. Then I would go for a browse around the shops myself, buy myself something nice and have a nice high street cafe lunch and glass of wine while reading a book .

Just do what he did.,nothing…

And the people who say “ she might not be around much longer” remember that has been the case for at least 10 years now !

Are we reading different replies?

If it's just a birthday and not that important, why would anyone worry about death? It's just a death, it's not that important.

Exactly! people really don't think about what this means for the marriage as a whole. This is a post from someone who has concluded the marriage is over.

"The problem is he's a 'dutiful son' " Wow.

The number of mums on here who would wish their own sons would grow up to care about them half as much, tbh.

I'm not saying you need to share your birthday lunch with her, I was actually on your side until this bit.

Stop trying to sort out your own birthday lunch, tell him to do it or just accept you won't be going out on your birthday.

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that not only do I have to ring around to find somewhere nice for lunch for my birthday tomorrow, but I have to book for THREE?
If it’s bothering you that much don’t do it. That said it’s a couple of hours of your life with the person you love and their mother. Don’t you like her? If you were in her position I’m sure you’d really appreciate the invite.

the whole it might be the last year seems to start in their 60’s and never end till it is the last 🤣 not that 60 is old on here though it’s Middle Aged lol

so, he didn't invite her to HIS birthday, but expects her to be invited to yours. that's off. he wants his birthday to be about him, but yours to be about her. and it's not even like you get on, which makes it more unreasonable.

The problem is that he's a "dutiful son" and can see her becoming more and more dependant and needy as the months go by..........

brace yourself then if you’re complaining about a lunch.
as someone married to a dutiful son whose brother wasn’t I can only say that I’m glad I married the brother that I did. The care he gave me his father when he was dying and then the 7 months following his death in which his mother deteriorated and died was second to none, on top of his job, and made me love him more. I couldn’t resent time spent with his parents when their lives were ending.

I think I'm going to start shouting on all these hourly threads...

BEING SINGLE IS REALLY REALLY LOVELY

So so many women, just seemingly by default, seem to accept any old thoughtless, lazy, sexist male, rather than realising they'd be far happier without them.

Where did I go for my birthday? Out with 5 of my favourite people, and we had a blast.

She's 90 you say?

Blimey I hope no-one is begrudging me tagging along for lunch if I reach that age.

I would suggest you tell him outright that lunch with his mother does not count as your birthday gift. Then, do whatever you want for your birthday on a different day.

There are many days in the year, many of which are inconvenient for special occasions, such as school days. Shifting your celebration to a different day doesn't have to ruin it. I think it's easier for you to consider your birthday as falling on a school day (this year) than cancel on a very elderly person this late before an outing. However, it is entirely your husband's fault - whether deliberate or accidental.

I’m genuinely surprised so many responses are “don’t you like her”/“oh but she’s elderly” when there are regularly posts about horrible MIL on here.
If I’m reading this right, he goes to hers for lunch every Sunday (without OP) and spends a significant amount of time running around after her. Elderly people are not all doddering and helpless - some are calculating and controlling and I’m wondering if she’s had these tendencies throughout the marriage so OP has just had enough.
So you’d wanted to go away for the weekend and discussed this but he didn’t bother organising it - was that an oversight on his part or deliberate because “but mum needs me to xyz…”?
Don’t book for 3. Your DH is being a twat and you’re not being a witch for wanting the day to yourself. I’d be sorely tempted to tell him to go to his mothers for lunch as usual and to go somewhere by myself.

Look. She could have tagged along for his birthday, a mere few days ago. She's going to have a Sunday lunch with him next week, as usual.

It's absolutely not unreasonable for OP to want her husband to make time for her on her birthday.

I can tell you right now that I won't be expecting to tag along to absolutely everything when I'm 90. And if I do, I'd like my son or daughter to say it straight to me - gently but firmly - that no, this time it's not about you but I'll see you tomorrow/in a few days/on Sunday.

don’t book a restaurant. You can legitimately say ‘ I tried xy and z place and they are all booked. Then leave a silence. Let him solve the problem. ( clue, he won’t).

next year choose with whom and where you want to have your own birthday and organise it yourself. Let him do the same for his own.

I had actually suggested that we could go away for the weekend and he only told me we wouldn't be going away last Wednesday.

Who made him the boss? TOLD you??? (Because he 'needed' to visit his mother?)

I personally would have just refused.

If he wanted to take you/your mum out then he can find somewhere.

I can’t see how you’re going to enjoy yourself as much, when you’re the one who has done all of the work.

I’d rather not doing anything at all than be the only one making the effort.

Tell them you wouldnt want to ruin their plans so you'll go out shopping or something alone - then have an afternoon of doing whatever you want.

I agree with PPs, don't book the restaurant. It's not your job as birthday person. He needs to step and do this job.