Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DS go to uni open day even though he came in at 4am?

163 replies

Redcase · 05/10/2024 06:37

I’m raging right now and need some more clear headed opinions. Me and DH are due to take DS to uni open day today. It’s a 3 hour drive each way and we should leave at 8:30.
DS went out last night and had been told by DH to not be late as DH wasn’t going to drive to uni city and back if DS was going to be a hungover zombie. Woke up at 3:30am and DS wasn’t home. DH rang him and after a bit of an argument, DS got a taxi home arriving back at 4am.
DH says we now shouldn’t go as this is what he said would be the consequence and ground DS.There is another open day in November. I’m not sure if we should still make DS go and honour the commitment.
We are working hard saving for uni and I picked up extra shifts last weekend so this is my first day off in 13 days. DS knows this and I think my tiredness and feeling of him taking the piss could be clouding my judgement.
Any advice? TIA

OP posts:
LostittoBostik · 05/10/2024 06:40

Surely if he didn't get home til 4 the punishment will be to still go, not cancel?

He's going to feel like absolute shit

You can really "ground" him if he's over 16.

Will he want to go?

Newuser75 · 05/10/2024 06:41

I'd still go, he can sleep in the car.

oneisoneandallalone · 05/10/2024 06:42

Does he want to go to uni? Maybe he's feeling pushed in that direction and staying out late is a way of saying he doesn't want to to do open days.

Happygogoat · 05/10/2024 06:43

Interested if he does get himself up and ready, albeit hungover? If he does then do go. If not: go in November. And have a day of rest for you and some chores for him!!

I wouldn’t have been so cross if he went out and got in at even 2am (I could have done the same back in the day and been passable by 8am!) but 4am after being prompted and ignoring your request is not okay. If he wants to see the uni he needs to take some responsibility.

MagneticSquirrel · 05/10/2024 06:43

Make him go! Being hungover and tired all day, being driven in car, hangover setting in during the morning / afternoo , is a much better way to learn to not go out late and drink excessively than staying in nice warm bed until the afternoon.

Motheranddaughter · 05/10/2024 06:43

You can't ground hm he is not a child
I would probably still go if he wants to

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 05/10/2024 06:43

I’d just stay super calm, take him a cuppa in and say we’re leaving at x o’clock. He’ll be suffering enough having to endure the drive. You might all end up having a lovely day. Make sure to mention this on his wedding day! X

BunsenBurnerBaby · 05/10/2024 06:44

I wouldn’t take him unless he was up and ready to go under his own steam. He is not as invested in this as you are. What year is he in? Let him sort himself out. He can apply anyway if he decides to and go and look on offer day if he gets in, I just wouldn’t put myself out for a child who doesn’t want to engage. Is this all your idea?

Edingril · 05/10/2024 06:46

Well is he going to uni for him or for you both?

And no this 'look we are working 500 jobs and sacrificing our lives so you have what we didn't have for you' type scenario is not healthy

So does he really want to go to the open day and then uni?

But either he wants to go to the open day or not, if he is old enough for uni he is old enough to decide to go or not, I don't see 'punishing' him works at his age

Original poster
Redcase · 05/10/2024 06:46

I feel going when he feels like crap is the consequence of his actions.
For fairness, this is out of character for him. He works hard and is predicated 3 As. If he is working at weekend, then he decides that he doesn’t go out. He is normally trustworthy and this has really thrown me tbh.

OP posts:
Pepperama · 05/10/2024 06:48

Unless he’s up and dressed and ready to leave at the right time without your intervention, I’d enjoy my free day with hubby and leave him to it. He’s an adult, and if that’s how he approaches uni he won’t succeed. So this may be an important last opportunity to drive home the fact he’s not doing you a favour going to university, and that actually, a lot of sacrifice would be involved. Which you’re willing to make, but only if it’s something he really wants and works hard for. In November, he can take the train

WoahThreeAces · 05/10/2024 06:48

It'll be a pointless waste of time if you drag him.there feeling exhausted and hungover. He won't get anything out of it at all. To just go it as a punishment is a bit daft I think.

If he is up and wants to go, take him. If not leave him to sleep. Maybe he doesn't even want to go at all!

RosesAndHellebores · 05/10/2024 06:51

He will get nothing out of it and neither will you or DH. You will be punishing yourselves as much as him. Rearrange for November or just visit the City when you can.

You and DH should go for lunch and a bit of a day out rather than being angry. Do something you both enjoy and don't waste a hard earned day off.

DS did similar and was very uninterested in open days. He went to a couple with friends (a long way away), missed a couple, changed his mind, had a gap year and came home at 4am in the morning serially. He is now an academic and works for one! As do I.

You'll get a better vibe in November BTW as the students will have bedded down and neither they nor the staff will be on the tail end of induction.

Bloody teenagers.

OhshutupSimonyounobhead · 05/10/2024 06:51

The motivation for these things should come from him. If he isnt up and ready then no leave him - his choice he can rearrange it for November.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 05/10/2024 06:52

Don’t let it spoil your weekend. I totally get why you’re upset. I would be too.In our family we’d be loading him into the car and going hard with the banter. Teenagers! Hope you enjoy your day. Looks like a gorgeous day. Sky is all pink.x

couchparsnip · 05/10/2024 06:53

Annoyingly he'll probably be fine. At that age they can be out until 4 and get up the next day just feeling a bit tired.

Original poster
Redcase · 05/10/2024 06:54

Some good points, thanks. And yes, the guilt trip of me doing extra shifts is about me not him.
His preference is a degree apprenticeship but because these are so competitive we suggested uni as a possible plan B.
He has found the course he wants to do himself and DH and DS went to an open day last weekend while I was working. DS says he wants to go to that uni so I feel like this route is something he is seriously considering.
I was made to feel like I had to go uni and have regretted it so I don’t feel like we have put pressure on him to do so but it’s interesting posters are picking this up.

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 05/10/2024 06:54

I think it has to be his shout because he is the one who wants to see it. Slightly different issue but we went on a uni open day but dc became ill and progressively worse during the day (not contagious). We ended up having to go back because dc couldn't fairly judge it. Having said that, young livers seem to cope better with alcohol so he might bounce back after a few hours sleep especially if he sleeps in the car. Would he need to take another day off work in November if he doesn't go today? He might want to factor that in his decision. I wouldn't drag him there if he doesn't want to go. He may just end up not liking the university and rejecting it because he wasn't feeling it when he looked around.

Tontostitis · 05/10/2024 06:57

You are more invested in this than he is. I would completely back off, let him organise his own open days and travel arrangements. My son went out til 3am managed to get himself up and on a train to get to an open day because he wanted to go, not because I wanted him to go. As for picking up extra shifts do that for yourself not a drunken eejit who needs to learn some self management.

RosesAndHellebores · 05/10/2024 06:58

Just another thought op, if he is worried/unsure/rethinking, he will discuss more easily if you and dh are hands off today and give him a bit of space round this.

If you do go, I'd take a bucket for the car.

RedHelenB · 05/10/2024 07:01

Having only 4 hours sleep and a hangover is perfect preparation for student life. He can get more kip in the car , if ge wants to go I'd still take him.

JohnCravensNewsround · 05/10/2024 07:07

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 05/10/2024 06:43

I’d just stay super calm, take him a cuppa in and say we’re leaving at x o’clock. He’ll be suffering enough having to endure the drive. You might all end up having a lovely day. Make sure to mention this on his wedding day! X

I'd step back.
Have a lie in. Let him know that he can find his own way to uni open days.
Keep saving but on the basis that it's a good thing to do, not solely for ds ( I know thar is your motivation but it doesn't have to be all or nothing!

coffeesaveslives · 05/10/2024 07:07

It sounds like there's a lot of pressure around him going to university.

The fact that you're choosing to do loads of overtime and have worked 13 day straight - does he know that he's the reason behind that? Because it sounds really unhealthy for everyone for there to be so much stress and pressure.

I felt really pressured to going to university by my parents and honestly, it was a colossal waste of time and money and I didn't enjoy it. I wouldn't force him to go an open day - use the time to figure out what he really wants instead, and stop working silly hours!

HaveYouSeenRain · 05/10/2024 07:10

RedHelenB · 05/10/2024 07:01

Having only 4 hours sleep and a hangover is perfect preparation for student life. He can get more kip in the car , if ge wants to go I'd still take him.

Exactly! Everyone so dramatic on this thread. He is a young lad and hangover, so what. Stop micromanaging and babying him, he can cope and will learn his lesson. My DB was partying a ton in his uni years and managed a science phd.

Original poster
Redcase · 05/10/2024 07:12

I don’t think he will have set an alarm when he got in! But I think I will start being noisy about 7:30 and see if he gets up.
When I said we would ground him, I suppose what I mean is that he won’t be allowed to go to watch his local football team this afternoon. He has a season ticket but was going to miss it anyway for the open day.
A day off with DH would be my preference tbh but I was worried I was being selfish.
And yes to the poster who mentioned the beautiful pink skies. I sat outside with a coffee and feeling calmer! Thanks

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread