To make DS go to uni open day even though he came in at 4am?

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I’m raging right now and need some more clear headed opinions. Me and DH are due to take DS to uni open day today. It’s a 3 hour drive each way and we should leave at 8:30.
DS went out last night and had been told by DH to not be late as DH wasn’t going to drive to uni city and back if DS was going to be a hungover zombie. Woke up at 3:30am and DS wasn’t home. DH rang him and after a bit of an argument, DS got a taxi home arriving back at 4am.
DH says we now shouldn’t go as this is what he said would be the consequence and ground DS.There is another open day in November. I’m not sure if we should still make DS go and honour the commitment.
We are working hard saving for uni and I picked up extra shifts last weekend so this is my first day off in 13 days. DS knows this and I think my tiredness and feeling of him taking the piss could be clouding my judgement.
Any advice? TIA

Erm, when they asked them to? In my case, anyway. DD wanted me to help her decide between two courses. My professional field is closely related to the one she's choosing, so she wanted my views.

But in this case, nobody actually wants to go - so what would be the point in honouring anything?

Why would friends not going make any difference?

Public transport is always an option. Universities are in cities. If you live in the middle of nowhere, no doubt you can drop your child at the nearest train/coach station.

What’s driving got to do with it? Most late teens can’t drive.

The other reasons are valid, though. But my DD didn’t do any open days. She made the choice of where to go by herself.

When they’re paying for it!

I think leaving it to him is best idea. He’s an adult. You’d be going to keep him company, not to ‘take him’.

But he was inconsiderate to you and your DH to come home so late when he knew you had to leave so early. He must’ve known it’d disturb your sleep if he wasn’t back. If he was enjoying himself last night, he should’ve messaged you before midnight and said he’d decided to stay out and cancel the uni trip. Adults have make decisions and not mess people about.

If he’s decided not to go, I suggest you treat yourself to a relaxing day off. Why don’t you and your DH go out for brunch with the petrol money you’ve saved.

Parents have always had to pay something beyond the grant. For accommodation etc. Mine had to in the 1980s.

This have we all forgotten what it was like being late teen (and I think the late here is needed) he is v nearly 18 this behaviour is perfectly normal (and based on mumsnet threads can keep going a very long time)

but actually let him decide - don’t stop him doing the football either we can’t micro manage our children neither can we place on them the fact that you are working so hard to support him.

this is a learning experience for him so let him learn from it whilst remembering it is a very normal one

So they made you honour something they decided you should do?

' he won’t be allowed to go to watch his local football team this afternoon. '

wow !!!

he is 18 ? surely he is 18 if he is out drinking til 4am or whenever.

We’re on our way. I woke him and calmly asked if he wanted to go. I said we would take him if he wanted but we are leaving it up to him to make the decision. He said he wanted to go.
So all done in a calm way with no talk of punishment or groundings 🙈! The only possible punishment is I’m in charge of the playlist 😂.
He’s chatting away and no signs of vomiting for the posters who were worried about that! Oh to have a teenage liver!
Thanks for helping me to get things into perspective. He only knows I’m doing extra shifts, not that I’m saving for uni.
This is my first AIBU post and appreciate the helpful replies.
Looking forward to a good day out just the three of us and hopefully the chance to say there’s no problem if he decides uni is not for him.
Thanks and hope you enjoy your weekend

Only if they were well off. I went to uni in the late 80s. I got my fees paid, a full grant and £15pw housing benefit towards my £25pw rent. I’d worked full time for a year before I went and had money saved up. My mum was really struggling financially, so I used to send her some money from my grant. I worked each summer and Xmas (in postal sorting office) and saved up money for the next year. My family didn’t give me a penny and I’d never have asked. I had a car, so used to take myself there and back.

Presumably when the idea developed that they were stakeholders due to having to put their own money into the experience. And with that came the conviction that without a parent hanging around the prospective student wouldn't be capable of asking the right questions.

This, the open day is for him and it won't benefit him at all if you're having to poke him around it whilst he's hungover. If he wants to see the uni then he's got to make the effort to be up and ready or just get the train.

If a degree apprenticeship is what he really wants, he should put all his focus on that. If he's predicted 3 As that's great, are there other things that would help such as work experience?

There's no point wasting time and energy on pointless plan Bs at this point. With high grades he will easily get into a good university to do engineering or something like that, possibly through clearing or he could take a year out and apply next year. If you're short on money that might be a good option anyway.

If he’s old enough for Uni he’s too old to be grounded or punished. He’s missed the open day, tough shit for him he’ll just have to wait now. Open days are not essential though, he doesn’t need to attend the open days to attend that university.

No, not all universities/campuses are close enough to a city to allow public transport travel there and back in a single day, actually, surely it depends on where you live and what uni you are looking at? I looked at Durham for example, and I’m from the south, it absolutely wasn’t possible to travel to the campus in time for an open day via the train. I mentioned friends because sometimes it’s possible to club together to share the trip/one parent taking a turn to drive a group to different places.

Just dumping them at the nearest coach or train station and letting them get on with it because ‘all universities are in cities’ (they’re not, for a start) isn’t something all parents are happy to do, thankfully. And then you say your DD didn’t even go to any open days anyway? Not really relevant then is it.

Good news OP
Definitely always best to be in charge of the music 😁
Hope you have a good family day out!

He'll be fine with a hangover and no sleep at that age. Does he want to go to the open day?

Maybe he's not fussed on going to uni? A modern apprenticeship or similar might be better. He'll earn money, no debt and cheaper for you as the parents.

teenagers recover from hangovers sickeningly easy! blast it!

what university isn’t accessible by public transport?

And yeah some unis are far away and require an overnight stay. That’s just how it is. Some insist on it (like Durham did when I went) because it gives you a better view of what it’s like.

I went to university in the dark ages (1976!) and it was not the done thing either for parents to accompany their offspring to interviews or open days OR to take them up when they started their first term (or any other, for that matter). I recall the head of 6th form telling us it was part of us taking responsibility for ourselves and our higher education to do these trips - which obviously in pre-internet days involved us doing more difficult research into train times, etc - on our own.

I think it would be better for young people if their parents encouraged them to do exactly this.

Seriously - what difference does that make to the student's view of each institution?

Really? You don’t think if you’re paying £9K for tuition you don’t want to see what you’re getting for your money?

Probably none whatsoever, but if a parent is forking out thousands of pounds for said student to attend, it's normal for them to want to have a look around!