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AIBU?

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Original poster

To make DS go to uni open day even though he came in at 4am?

163 replies

Redcase · 05/10/2024 06:37

I’m raging right now and need some more clear headed opinions. Me and DH are due to take DS to uni open day today. It’s a 3 hour drive each way and we should leave at 8:30.
DS went out last night and had been told by DH to not be late as DH wasn’t going to drive to uni city and back if DS was going to be a hungover zombie. Woke up at 3:30am and DS wasn’t home. DH rang him and after a bit of an argument, DS got a taxi home arriving back at 4am.
DH says we now shouldn’t go as this is what he said would be the consequence and ground DS.There is another open day in November. I’m not sure if we should still make DS go and honour the commitment.
We are working hard saving for uni and I picked up extra shifts last weekend so this is my first day off in 13 days. DS knows this and I think my tiredness and feeling of him taking the piss could be clouding my judgement.
Any advice? TIA

OP posts:
DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 05/10/2024 07:12

oneisoneandallalone · 05/10/2024 06:42

Does he want to go to uni? Maybe he's feeling pushed in that direction and staying out late is a way of saying he doesn't want to to do open days.

Or he's just a teenager who went out.

I remember my parents planning for us to go to ikea to get my uni stuff (saucepans etc). I went out the night before and got in very late to a post it note stuck on my door saying "you are still coming to ikea. Be up at 8!"

It wasn't some unconscious sign that I didn't want to go to uni and so was avoiding shopping. It was a poorly judged night of drinking.

OP, I'd still go. Unless he's throwing up, in which case I wouldn't put him in my car

CabbagesAndCeilingWax · 05/10/2024 07:13

If this is totally out of character for him, then I'd be kind about it. Go in, speak to him, see if he wants to go. I don't think I'd immediately offer the option of November instead, though.

It would be different if this were the latest in a long line of selfish, thoughtless events.

rzb · 05/10/2024 07:13

Regardless of there being another open day in the future, you have cleared your plans to take him today, and his decision to drink too much and sleep too little to feel well this morning should not cause you to rearrange your plans. Maybe wake him up in time for him to sort himself out and leave at the planned time. It's not unreasonable to hold the position that his options are to get himself up and ready to go today, or he simply doesn't go to an open day at this uni unless he gets himself to the future one and funds the rail and taxi fare himself.

But definitely have the bucket for the car....

Beautiful3 · 05/10/2024 07:14

Redcase · 05/10/2024 06:54

Some good points, thanks. And yes, the guilt trip of me doing extra shifts is about me not him.
His preference is a degree apprenticeship but because these are so competitive we suggested uni as a possible plan B.
He has found the course he wants to do himself and DH and DS went to an open day last weekend while I was working. DS says he wants to go to that uni so I feel like this route is something he is seriously considering.
I was made to feel like I had to go uni and have regretted it so I don’t feel like we have put pressure on him to do so but it’s interesting posters are picking this up.

Looks like he already knows what he wants.to do. Leave him to.it. I wouldn't drive a 6.hour round trip to.a university he never expressed interest in.

aodirjjd · 05/10/2024 07:17

I think teens should go to open days by themselves. I know it’s common but it seems infantilising for parents to take them.

FanofLeaves · 05/10/2024 07:17

I think it’ll be a waste of time and energy for you all and I wouldn’t go just to prove a point it teach a lesson, it just seems counter productive for everyone involved. If he gets up go, if not, don’t, that’s his choice.

autienotnaughty · 05/10/2024 07:18

I'd get him up and go. Teach him to stick to his commitments. He can sleep in car though.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 05/10/2024 07:18

At that age I had a part time job in a pub and we'd often go out after or someone would have a house party. Some of my colleagues were older even just late twenties, I remember walking home with the sun coming up chatting away with my friend who was the same age, talking about getting in showered and off to sixth form, one of our older friends was horrified and said how can you do that I feel like death I'll be going to bed until I have to go into work tonight. I just shrugged and couldn't work out why she couldn't just bounce back! He'll be fine, give him a gentle call when it's time to get up, don't have a war over it. If he wants to go he'll get up. I don't think I went to bed much before 4 the night before graduation, it's good practice.

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 05/10/2024 07:21

Unless he bounces out of bed feeling perky (I remember being 18!) then he won’t get anything out of it, so don’t go.

enjoy a sunny autumn day with your husband

coffeesaveslives · 05/10/2024 07:23

Redcase · 05/10/2024 07:12

I don’t think he will have set an alarm when he got in! But I think I will start being noisy about 7:30 and see if he gets up.
When I said we would ground him, I suppose what I mean is that he won’t be allowed to go to watch his local football team this afternoon. He has a season ticket but was going to miss it anyway for the open day.
A day off with DH would be my preference tbh but I was worried I was being selfish.
And yes to the poster who mentioned the beautiful pink skies. I sat outside with a coffee and feeling calmer! Thanks

I think you're risking making this all into a huge deal when it doesn't have to be.

Go and wake him - if he doesn't want to go or is clearly not in a fit state to spend six hours in a car, then enjoy a bonus day off with your husband and just let him get on with it - surely?

He's nearly an adult, you can't punish him and not let him go to a football match like a child!

coffeesaveslives · 05/10/2024 07:24

autienotnaughty · 05/10/2024 07:18

I'd get him up and go. Teach him to stick to his commitments. He can sleep in car though.

What would be the point?

He's not interested in this university and it's a six hour round trip in the car, which sounds horrendous at the best of times.

He doesn't want to go, his parents don't really want to go, so why force it? Confused

Original poster
Redcase · 05/10/2024 07:24

I went to all uni open days with friends not parents. Treated them as a day off school and went to the student union bars and flirted with the students!
Thanks for all the replies. Will update as to whether he gets up but am going to leave the decision to him.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 05/10/2024 07:26

coffeesaveslives · 05/10/2024 07:07

It sounds like there's a lot of pressure around him going to university.

The fact that you're choosing to do loads of overtime and have worked 13 day straight - does he know that he's the reason behind that? Because it sounds really unhealthy for everyone for there to be so much stress and pressure.

I felt really pressured to going to university by my parents and honestly, it was a colossal waste of time and money and I didn't enjoy it. I wouldn't force him to go an open day - use the time to figure out what he really wants instead, and stop working silly hours!

Edited

I agree with this.

What is wrong with him taking out a loan, getting a job beforehand and saving (my children did both)? Why are you busting a gut to do overtime?

Is this something he actually wants or is it being driven by his parents?

Tbh, I wouldn't go today.

For everyone's sanity.

University open days are not that crucial and, if he's ill/rough and you're pissed off with him, are any of you going to actually get any benefit from it? Essentially, all of the info available at open day will be available on the website but you'll (he'll..?) also get a bag with a bottle opener, a lanyard, and some other pointless crap. They're a marketing event to encourage students to attend.

I'd leave him to it and use the day to do something more enjoyable with your husband instead.

And I say that has someone who has been to university twice (UG and PG), with one graduate child and another who has just started her first year.

And they managed just fine without me doing overtime, working 13 days straight, hovering over them during A level revision, forcing them to attend open days... that's not to say they weren't supported but they were supported when they wanted it. They were self motivated and driven to achieve it. Not because I micromanaged them.

Because, if he goes to university somewhere 3 hours away, he is going to have to be self disciplined and motivated anyway or all your input will have been for nothing anyway.

Cheersmedears123 · 05/10/2024 07:28

I see why you want to go along if you’re working hard to save for it (rather than him going with friends). Maybe he will surprise you and want to go! At that age it’s not unusual to crack on with a hangover and a few hours sleep. If he’s not keen, enjoy your bonus day!

Oblomov24 · 05/10/2024 07:29

Is he up? Which uni btw? I loved open days for ds1. I never went to open days myself back then so enjoyed them this time.

Fizbosshoes · 05/10/2024 07:29

Am I the only person who wouldn't want to get up this early and do a 6 hour drive if I'd been up at 4am (waiting for DS to come back ...?) Confused

Yunula · 05/10/2024 07:32

Why you are saving OP? Are the student finance options he will get not be enough? I got a part time job during uni and it worked great.

somethinggotmestarted · 05/10/2024 07:36

There's another one in November. Leave it today. Going under a cloud/feeling rubbish isn't the way to review a uni.

ADogChewingAnAntler · 05/10/2024 07:37

It's a great introduction to uni Grin

liveforsummer · 05/10/2024 07:39

RedHelenB · 05/10/2024 07:01

Having only 4 hours sleep and a hangover is perfect preparation for student life. He can get more kip in the car , if ge wants to go I'd still take him.

This! Does no one remember being that age? I used to roll in at 2.30 and be up for a full days work on a stable yard at 6. Out Thursday, Friday Saturday and still getting up for college and work. There is ample time for him to sleep in the car too. Seems a really small deal to me!

aintnohollabackgurl · 05/10/2024 07:40

I think you and most others here are overreacting.

He's s good kid, so you have very high expectations of him.

But staying out until 4 isn't that uncommon. Neither is functioning on a few hours of sleep, for a teenager. Don't concern yourself with the time he got in. Concern yourself with whether he's getting up to leave for the open day. He needs to go to this open day. That was the deal and that's the consequence. Not going would be letting him off the hook.

I would make sure to wake him calmly and say: ' we are leaving at X time '. No need for any discussion or argument.

The consequence of his action is that he'll feel like crap today. If you just let him sleep, he's not living the consequence.

But I don't think it's as much of a big deal that should have you raging. He's a teenager.. they do far worse than this.

Victoriancat · 05/10/2024 07:42

I'd leave him to it tbh, if he stayed out til that late he's not super into the idea currently

hockityponktas · 05/10/2024 07:42

Meh, when I was 17 I’d get in at 4am and then do a whole days work😂
he’ll be fine, take him a cuppa. Make a joke that he can sleep off the rest of his hangover in the car and crack on with the day.
if he says he doesn’t want to go, don’t take him and chat about it later.

Fizbosshoes · 05/10/2024 07:44

Yunula · 05/10/2024 07:32

Why you are saving OP? Are the student finance options he will get not be enough? I got a part time job during uni and it worked great.

Even if you get the full maintenance loan that doesn't cover rent and living expenses in many areas. DD has just started uni and
weve had to pay half the first years rent already, so even if student is working they need quite a chunk ready straight away

Spectre8 · 05/10/2024 07:46

You aiad he went to one recently and really liked it so no wonder he isn't motivated to go to this one. Sounds like he has made his decision on where to go. I'd rather go out until 4am, having a great time, then go to some open day for a uni I'm not interested in.