To make DS go to uni open day even though he came in at 4am?

[Redcase]

I’m raging right now and need some more clear headed opinions. Me and DH are due to take DS to uni open day today. It’s a 3 hour drive each way and we should leave at 8:30.
DS went out last night and had been told by DH to not be late as DH wasn’t going to drive to uni city and back if DS was going to be a hungover zombie. Woke up at 3:30am and DS wasn’t home. DH rang him and after a bit of an argument, DS got a taxi home arriving back at 4am.
DH says we now shouldn’t go as this is what he said would be the consequence and ground DS.There is another open day in November. I’m not sure if we should still make DS go and honour the commitment.
We are working hard saving for uni and I picked up extra shifts last weekend so this is my first day off in 13 days. DS knows this and I think my tiredness and feeling of him taking the piss could be clouding my judgement.
Any advice? TIA

DS went out last night and had been told by DH to not be late as DH wasn’t going to drive to uni city and back if DS was going to be a hungover zombie.

If that’s what DH told him, don’t you think you should follow through? I don’t think you and DH should give up your Saturday for a child who is not going to be in a fit state to properly consider the uni. He can go to the November one and get the train.

Why does he need to go?

It's not a university he's expressed any interest in, there's another open day next month and his parents are quite happy to enjoy a free Saturday together instead.

Surely he's just getting into the uni lifestyle?? 😜
I'd still take him, and to the pp who said uni open days aren't crucial, I beg to differ. Ds had his heart set on one particular uni (after visiting a couple that he didn't fancy) till we visited another and the latter one just felt perfect, and that was the one he went to ....cue three years having the time of his life! Had he not visited, he'd have ended up somewhere where he may have been unhappy.

Is yours up yet?

As someone whose had seen two DC through countless hangovers I’ve always been of the mind that if they make arrangements they stick to them and if they choose to stay out late and get pissed they still keep to their commitments and suffer.

They would be going if I’d put myself out. Mine still went to weekend jobs, college, uni lectures etc after late nights until they finally realised that they couldn’t do it anymore around 21!

make him get up and go.

When did parents start going to open days with students?

Yes, that can happen. They're still not 'crucial' though in that you can apply to, and attend, a university without having been to the open day.

Just sent DS2 off to Warwick with DH.
Don't worry OP, it's bog standard teenage behaviour.
Like other PP's I'd get him up, give him a brew and let him sleep in the car.
Mine was flopping around and lying on the kitchen floor just before he left, so not exactly chomping at the bit!
He's dressed, got a note book and will have his eyes open and functioning vocal chords in 3 hours time, so it's mission accomplished as far as I'm concerned 😁
(Bonus, I have the house to myself all day...😀🙌)

Make the ungrateful shit go.

Always. My mum did nearly 30 years ago.

Surely you visit uni as planned and he feels the repercussions of having to do 6 hours in the car and a uni visit with little sleep and a hang over. He will likely feel rubbish all day but just have to suck it up.

I’d worry about vomiting in the car. DS had to go to a cricket match which was some distance away. DH barely made to the motorway when they had to turn around, phone the coach etc. So I’d say it depends what state he’s in. I was going to say why is he drinking if he’s underage, then remembered this story.

Why are you adding pressure by telling him about your savings and extra shifts etc It doesn't need to involve him?
I worked hard, saved etc for my dc but didn't feel the need to tell them! Why would I?

You can't ground an adult, get him up, go to the open day and maybe have an honest conversation about him going to uni. Does he actually want to go?
He won't be the only one there with a hangover and he can sleep in the car!

Nope. 40 years ago parents definitely didn't go. You went on your own, a parent hanging round with you would have been very odd.

Be led by him. This is his choice. Sounds like he can't be arsed with the open day.

My mum came to both the open days I went to.
She was also very laid back about hangovers and very kind when I felt rough. She would have taken me to the open day with a hangover and bought me a bacon butty and a coffee.

I'd like to think I'll be the same with my children.

@coffeesaveslives he's going because he's planned to go with his family and you stick to plans. It's selfish not to go.

I don't think him staying out late last night shows he isn't interested in the uni. It's just typical teenage behaviour. He was probably having so much fun and decided he'll be able to go anyway. He was caught up in the moment and wasn't able to judge the consequences.

I did that all the time when I was younger.

Even now, how many of us have been out having fun or even home having dinner and drinks with friends and we know we need to call it a night because of XY in the morning but we decide in the moment to have one more drink. We don't just cancel the activity the next day, we do it.

I didn't read anywhere he was actually not interested in the uni at all. So I may have missed it.

I think a lot of you are saying his behaviour implies isn't interested, which I disagree with.

Sorry if I missed where it explicitly says his parents want him to go to this open day and he doesn't care to go.

She drove me there and met me after my interview

Yep, my open days were in 1995 and my mum came. Not on the tours to the dept, but to the halls etc.

There’s no point taking him if it’s going to be a grumpy and unpleasant day for you all.
enjoy your day off.
He can apply and visit offer holder days to narrow it down, or go to the alternative one in November.
DD had no visits at all - Covid times - and had never been to her uni city when she arrived. I’d never actually been to Glasgow when I rocked up many years ago for my first year. Too far for open days and they weren’t so much of a thing, and never with parents, but the course and structure was what I was after.

I'd go this way too

@aintnohollabackgurl have you read OP's updates? She doesn't particularly want to go and neither does her husband, so who exactly is it benefitting to force him to go?

i was applying in 1991. Can’t remember seeing any parents at the interview days I did. No interview for the Glasgow course thankfully.

He's going to uni next September -- please don't ground him. He's far too old for that!

This is a really nice, kind thread and the advice is great. OP feeling upset is totally understandable when you're working so hard. Also agree your DS sounds great and has just misjudged this. Great advice to not stress and go with the teenager flow. I definitely find whenever I do this we have a great day, whereas when I fuss at mine (it's unavoidable as they drive you crazy😂) it doesn't have the desired effect and the whole day takes a downer. Make sure you enjoy your precious day off. Good luck.

If he isnt up and ready then dont go. If he wants it enough,he'll be ready. If he's not really that interested, he won't.

Enjoy your day off.