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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

There’s no way this can work is there?

162 replies

Pickledpicklez · 04/10/2024 17:41

If there is, please advise.

dm is getting elderly, lives in other end of country. Time is coming to think of more long term plans. Not quite yet but in the next 3 years.

as a working theory we’ve said, well both sell our homes and buy a larger house with an annex for her. Perfect, except there seems to be no way to make this actually possible as no one will let us view a house because we’ve got not one but two houses to sell. So 2 chains.

Dh and I would like another child, so our family may expand. And we don’t have enough savings nor is it affordable mortgage wise to take out a second mortgage especially as we’d be looking at a 5 bed house with an annex, either as an out building or side of the house. We’d need it already built and we’d need to close to my kids school (one of the best in the city so seems foolish to move from the catchment area)

we don’t have enough room as is for dm to sell up and move in now. Plus dm isn’t an easy woman, the annex for some separate living conditions is an absolute must.

only thing I can think of is bridging loan (high risk) and moving my house to consent to let on interest only to remove the capital and maxing out affordability, BUT likely no high street lender would touch us because it’s so high risk and even writing down it’s likely not affordable.

one option is that she needs to sell toute suite and move into a cheap rental but who knows how long it would be til we could find a house that ticks all the boxes

anyone had similar and can help me.

OP posts:
Alalalala · 04/10/2024 17:43

I think the rental idea is the only option. It would mean you can get things moving now.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 04/10/2024 17:44

Can you build onto your property? Garden annex? Loft conversion?

Hoppinggreen · 04/10/2024 17:44

I think that having her live with you is a bad idea

Original poster
Pickledpicklez · 04/10/2024 17:47

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 04/10/2024 17:44

Can you build onto your property? Garden annex? Loft conversion?

No, we can’t build into the loft and we don’t have the garden space, so it’s not an option at all. Would be simpler if it was

OP posts:
Original poster
Pickledpicklez · 04/10/2024 17:47

Alalalala · 04/10/2024 17:43

I think the rental idea is the only option. It would mean you can get things moving now.

For both of us?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pickledpicklez · 04/10/2024 17:48

Hoppinggreen · 04/10/2024 17:44

I think that having her live with you is a bad idea

because…?

OP posts:
Choux · 04/10/2024 17:49

My mum's lovely but I still wouldn't have moved in with her as she aged.

In the end she got dementia. Dad was her carer but when he died I lived with her for two weeks while waiting for her care home place to become available. I literally couldn't leave her alone for a minute. She also had carers for personal care - it's hard to shower and toilet your parent.

She is now in a care home. How would that work finance wise if you have pooled your funds to buy a big property? Would that be seen as deprivation of assets?

Sirzy · 04/10/2024 17:51

Would her moving into some sort of supported living near you be a better option?

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 04/10/2024 17:51

Would you Mum be interested in selling her property and moving to a suitable place closer to you, but not actually with you? Might be simpler.

Hoppinggreen · 04/10/2024 17:52

Pickledpicklez · 04/10/2024 17:48

because…?

Show quote history

You said she was difficult
You want another child
You don't want to move out of the catchment for your childrens school
Its going to be difficult to arrange
You will end up caring for her

StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 17:52

The idea of a bridging loan makes me feel nervous for you. One or both of you going into a rental would be far safer.

PandyMoanyMum · 04/10/2024 17:53

Would it make more sense for her to sell and to buy something close to where you live? My DFIL bought a house on the same street as us. So he’s close but not sharing the same space.

romdowa · 04/10/2024 17:54

Can your mother not buy a smaller property near where you live ?

Original poster
Pickledpicklez · 04/10/2024 17:55

Choux · 04/10/2024 17:49

My mum's lovely but I still wouldn't have moved in with her as she aged.

In the end she got dementia. Dad was her carer but when he died I lived with her for two weeks while waiting for her care home place to become available. I literally couldn't leave her alone for a minute. She also had carers for personal care - it's hard to shower and toilet your parent.

She is now in a care home. How would that work finance wise if you have pooled your funds to buy a big property? Would that be seen as deprivation of assets?

I don’t think it would, I looked into it briefly and frankly that’s not the objective and she’d still have some funds to bridge care home if needed.

shouldve said in my OP she’s a widow

OP posts:
Original poster
Pickledpicklez · 04/10/2024 17:58

Hoppinggreen · 04/10/2024 17:52

You said she was difficult
You want another child
You don't want to move out of the catchment for your childrens school
Its going to be difficult to arrange
You will end up caring for her

Show quote history

I’m the only relative that would anyway but do you mean it would be more challenging to get state help if needed?

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 04/10/2024 18:00

My friend is doing this at the moment. Has sold her own house in another town. Will rent a place in my town and same town as her mum and puts mums for sale then looks to buy a joint property

BeeCucumber · 04/10/2024 18:02

I believe that @Hoppinggreen is trying to warn you that this is a very, very bad idea. What does your DH and DC think of it? It’s a life changing decision and once done cannot be undone.

FerienInLipizza · 04/10/2024 18:04

Take care that she is not deliberately reducing her assets in the situation where she needs state care as they will come after the value of her lost asset to pay for her care.

Honestly, I would speak to a solicitor that deals with this sort of thing to get clarification before you proceed.

km21 · 04/10/2024 18:09

Recommend the supported living option if there are suitable schemes local to you. There are a number of private ones or Anchor Housing schemes for rentals.

Original poster
Pickledpicklez · 04/10/2024 18:10

BeeCucumber · 04/10/2024 18:02

I believe that @Hoppinggreen is trying to warn you that this is a very, very bad idea. What does your DH and DC think of it? It’s a life changing decision and once done cannot be undone.

My kids are very young.

dh was the one who said we need to accept both our dms are going to end up with us, different time periods as my dm is so much older than his. He’s from a culture where parents always live with the child in old age

but it does worry me!

OP posts:
Choux · 04/10/2024 18:10

I wouldn't be banking on getting any state help. She can obviously afford to pay for carers and care home fees from her house proceeds, saving and pension income.

If you think you will get any state help in the next few years because her money is tied up in hour house, you should expect a full financial review.

I don't understand why you would be looking to become the full time carer of your difficult mother (who could get even more difficult as she ages) when you also might want to have another child and you presumably want to be a good parent to your existing child. Is this a money motivated decision?

Choux · 04/10/2024 18:12

It's easy for your husband to say they will both end up living with you when, everyone her knows that you will be the one doing the personal care of both elderly ladies. Blooming cheek of him!

Original poster
Pickledpicklez · 04/10/2024 18:13

FerienInLipizza · 04/10/2024 18:04

Take care that she is not deliberately reducing her assets in the situation where she needs state care as they will come after the value of her lost asset to pay for her care.

Honestly, I would speak to a solicitor that deals with this sort of thing to get clarification before you proceed.

Yeah that’s a very good point!

i guess my thinking is there or will be a time when her living in a separate home doesn’t work. Ie to bridge a gap if she needs state carers they won’t come out at 3am…

OP posts:
SoloSofa24 · 04/10/2024 18:15

You describe your mother as 'not an easy woman', but you are planning to tie your finances and your living arrangements to her for the next decade or two or three? Why?? It sounds like a recipe for disaster. Is it just because you will be able to afford a larger home this way than by yourselves?

I would keep your finances and homes separate, but help her move to a suitable flat near you. That way you can provide support as needed/wanted but aren't assumed to be on hand as a 24-hour carer, and if any of your circumstances change, you aren't all tied into a large shared property.

And think of the impact on your child (and any future children) of your time and attention being diverted to their grandmother. If she becomes totally dependent on you, what happens when you want to go away on holiday, for example?

You haven't said how old she is, but I presume if you are still of an age where you are thinking of having another child, she is probably no older than her 70s, and she could live for another 20 years or more.

If she will be left with spare funds after downsizing, maybe you could draw up a formal loan agreement for her to help you buy a bigger house, though of course you might have to repay this if she needed to go into a care home.

Choux · 04/10/2024 18:15

For people with funds state paid for carers don't exist. You don't seem very well informed of what her future care needs might be. How old is she and what is her health like now?