There’s no way this can work is there?

[Pickledpicklez]

If there is, please advise.

dm is getting elderly, lives in other end of country. Time is coming to think of more long term plans. Not quite yet but in the next 3 years.

as a working theory we’ve said, well both sell our homes and buy a larger house with an annex for her. Perfect, except there seems to be no way to make this actually possible as no one will let us view a house because we’ve got not one but two houses to sell. So 2 chains.

Dh and I would like another child, so our family may expand. And we don’t have enough savings nor is it affordable mortgage wise to take out a second mortgage especially as we’d be looking at a 5 bed house with an annex, either as an out building or side of the house. We’d need it already built and we’d need to close to my kids school (one of the best in the city so seems foolish to move from the catchment area)

we don’t have enough room as is for dm to sell up and move in now. Plus dm isn’t an easy woman, the annex for some separate living conditions is an absolute must.

only thing I can think of is bridging loan (high risk) and moving my house to consent to let on interest only to remove the capital and maxing out affordability, BUT likely no high street lender would touch us because it’s so high risk and even writing down it’s likely not affordable.

one option is that she needs to sell toute suite and move into a cheap rental but who knows how long it would be til we could find a house that ticks all the boxes

anyone had similar and can help me.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize that your MIL has 'nothing'. Does she currently rent privately or SH? How far away does she currently live from you?

With regards to 'sheltered' SH there is some flexibility when it comes to allocation and 'family connections'. Harsh to say it, but that's because the 'turnover' of tenants is far more speedier than for housing families in need.

For obvious reasons.

Well that's the issue then, not the two houses but that neither are on the market! Put them on the market and then you can view houses.

That’s it with MIL, dh wouldn’t let it be a council ran care home, and the backlash from the community and his family would be well biblical.

I'd speak with a mortgage broker about the options.

Well made point about the difficulties of living together 24/7, however well you get on.
Have you considered sheltered housing near you? I helped my Dad sell his property and purchase a flat in a seniors development with a day time warden - he was sceptical at first, but had a stroke shortly after I'd suggested the idea.
He was there for five years, and remained far more independent that he would have done otherwise, and probably for a lot longer.

If your mother in law is close enough as you say why can't she stay where she is and if time comes for carers then council will fund so much if no money and you could help a bit at her flat

Then I'm afraid it'll just have to be endured - the point being that they'll get over the initial horror in time, whereas if you took MIL in your own pain could last for decades and since your marriage could well be over anyway it would have been for nothing

This can sometimes be an issue in cross cultural relationships, but what's too often forgotten is that both cultures deserve equal consideration and not just the one which shouts loudest

Are 'the community and his family' going to care for her? No? They can have an opinion once they are, til then they can stfu.

She lives somewhere now I take it? If social housing she can move to social housing assisted living, if owned property it can be sold to pay for her to buy an assisted living place. Moving in with you isn't inevitable, unless you allow it to be.

with the houses I wanted to view, it was that neither were sold, not just listed, sold

Could she live in your house temporarily? If so sell her house first then buy your combined house while selling yours. I would have loved to have my mum live with us, but it didn't happen which I regret.

@Pickledpicklez

This is the exact scenario that me and DH faced 20 years ago

We were moving 500 miles away, mum started crying that she would be alone dealing with Stepdad ( disabled ) no family , please let us come

I dont particularly like my mother so to me it was a really difficult decision

I wanted as a compromise, to buy two houses next door to each other, but nope, she was adamant she wanted to live with us

Took a lot of time and searching but we found a house that suited us all, mum and SD had three bedrooms, living room, two bathrooms, we had the same, the only shared space was the kitchen/diner

20 years down the road, SD has been dead 12 years, and mum is becoming frail, we are getting older, and our lives are not our own

We cant go on holiday. She refuses respite, says we are trying to get rid of her. I have to come home from work to cook a balanced meal so she gets fed adequately whereas quite often we want a curry/indian/wraps - ( foreign muck, too spicy etc) . We cant go away at Christmas, even a night out has to be planned well in advance. We had to build an outside "play room" so that we can entertain friends , listen to music, make a noise , have a row

And now we in our 60's are stuck with a huge house, with just 3 of us living in it

My wee sister has the same with her FIL, as she said to me, living the life of an 80+ year old when in your 50's/60's is no way to live. And its not.

We dont have children at home, you do. Do you want to be forever telling them to keep the noise down, be home before blah blah, not have their friends home making a noise and mess?

My parents lived in a place owned by this association for the last 5 years of my dad's life.

www.housing21.org.uk

The one they specifically wanted to live in only had rentals so they rented a two bedroom flat. It was modern, clean, had an on-site manager during office hours, two lounges to mix with other residents in, a restaurant that did breakfasts and lunches, an on-site hairdressers and church. And this was in a deprived northern town. There was a social committee of some of the younger residents who organised regular social events with singers, bingo, quizzes, birthday parties, days out etc. There were also a team of carers based there so when they needed care it was easy to organise (for an extra cost) and when my dad was really ill they would do extra welfare checks on him as they were literally passing his door several times a day.

They loved it there as it was a real community. Mum couldn't carry on living there after dad died as she has dementia and can't live independently / needs supervision 24/7 so had to move to a care home.

Apologies, I posted a very practical post without reading that actually you don’t want to live with her.

Why do you care so much about what “the community “ thinks? Where the fuck do you live that this is a thing? Move away!!!

You don’t have to live with anyone you don’t want to. Life is short.

Oh god that really resonated with me, this was my GM to a T and it ruined my mother and her relationship they were very close once Upon a time but GM was a fucking nightmare and a load of it fell to me and she’s dehydrate herself and starve herself rather than make a glass of water because she felt someone else should do it for her

I don’t trust brokers, heavily swayed by proc fees, middle men

Sale completed or just SSTC? I wouldn't let anyone view without being SSTC.

These sellers clearly wanted a quick sale as they wanted first time buyer basically basically be ‘ready to go’

completely unrealistic as I’d imagine few ftb are purchasing £800k properties. And the other one that refused us has to slash 100k off the listing price to get it sold

Just wanted to say ladies (maybe gents, not sure) this has been really helpful. I’d been carrying this worry for a while, I actually feel a 50lbs lighter just from discussing this with you all. You’ve been real, well, friends, to a stranger on the internet, thank you! You’ve helped my mental load no end. Bless you all

All depends on the market, really.

When we sold our London place 8 years ago we said chain free only and we had three offers in the first week (plus a 4th from someone who, it turned out, had a chain but offered over asking, which we turned down). If they're having to slash the price, that might be a sign the market isn't favourable, but it might also be a sign that they are desperate to sell quickly, so chain free v. important. Having bought and sold in another country where chains are very unusual, I'm a rigid convert to the no chains approach. I now find the UK process quite byzantine.

But regardless of my take on that! Just be glad it's given you pause for thought and may help you avoid a huge mistake. Agree with all the PPs telling you that even with an annex, moving someone who "isn't easy" into your home is a huge sacrifice that you will likely regret making.

And these are the things you have to keep in mind

Now my DH doesn't mind my mother, he is the one who sits and chats to her, over the years my relationship has broken down so much with her that she sees me as the maid

Look, I wouldn't harm a flea, I would never let my mother suffer.I sit up the hospital half the night with her when theres nowt really wrong but shes got herself into a paddy , I will make sure she has her drops, her meds, I take her to appointments , I crack open the milk and juices so she can access them, when we refitted the kitchen/diner we widened the doors, put drawers in instead of cupboards so she could reach for plates, cups etc, changed the cooker for induction so no leaving hobs on, changed one of the bathrooms to a wet room - blah blah blah , every improvement to our home is done for an elder - going to be a PITA when we need to sell

But the truth is, I resent her being here. I resent that we ( dh and I ) always have to put her first and that resentment has built up over the years

Me and DH went through a very bad time , so bad we were living apart. But how could we split, sell and move on when she had contributed to the purchase? Where was she going? So we had no option, we are still together, and its not all bad between us, but I think that maybe we shouldn't be, we should have been able to have the choice , the oppertunity

If you cant see a way of her not living with you, make sure any annexe is completely separate -own rates etc or buy next door to each other

My mum & nan live next door to each other (in rented over 55s housing association flats) for info my mum is 59 my nan 77, my nan’s husband is 85. My nan was very active (literally dancing on chairs down the local pub type of active 🤣). She tripped over her own feet going for a ciggy & broke her hip, got an infection in hospital & now has a colostomy bag. SS wouldn’t help with anything during her recovery. Both me & my mum are disabled, I have two spinal diseases & arthritis in my hips & cannot walk more than a few paces, my mum has a similar condition although not as bad (I also live 65 miles away from them). We needed help to care for my nans husband as obviously she couldn’t do it anymore & we needed help to care for her once she came out of hospital. Social services wouldn’t give us anything, no carers nothing at all & said it was up to us.

i had the battle of my life getting financial suppprt to get carers for him. They gave us twice a day for 6 weeks & nothing at all for my nan. We are run ragged, it’s hell trying to look after them. My nan is much better now but still needs help & my mum regrets moving next door to them. She thought it would make things easier to be able to pop
rpund but still have their independence. But now my nan has gotten used to her helping out she expects more & more & more. My mum is at breaking point. I’m having to go over & stay 2 nights a week & drag myself about in a wheelchair to help them. My son is also disabled & has SEN & my husband is struggling with the extra he has to do. It’s affecting all of us so much, my mum said if she knew how much was going to be put on her she never would have moved so close, and they have their own separate flats not even living together. Just think long & hard about how life is going to look spending the next 30 years caring & having no space away for yourself & what would potentially happen if you had a child that also needed care on top of that too.

we’re now trying to fight for a care home for my nana husband to take off some pressure & when the time comes my nan too. We always said we never put our family into care but now we’ve actually become their carers we realise how ridiculously naive we were. Sorry for the essay

I am Indian origin and my siblings have bought an appropriate house to accommodate my (widowed) DM when the time comes, I get it OP re ‘cultural issues/what will people say’ etc

That said, I think you need to think very carefully about what you would be taking on, especially with both your DM & MIL, impact on your life, your kids etc

I chose not to find a partner in my community to avoid this so I see it as a big thing!

First: your DM: she needs to be closer to you, but it doesn’t need to be an annexe

I would get her to sell her house, gift you a large deposit, and short term rent somewhere small & cheap (1 bed) v close to you, this means you can look for some appropriate housing OR sheltered accommodation/a flat for her

i get the annexe idea : and bear in mind you can create one (I have in my house - I can pm you if you want info)

you can also

• buy a house and give your mum ground floor while you go into loft & have an upstairs sitting room
• look for a house with a semi basement
• house with extension you can convert
• house with a cabin etc on premises

You have to balance the pros and cons of them living with you vs other options - eg a distant care home would be a nightmare

I would start soon as in 70s/80s health can change quickly, and buying the right house could easily be a 2 year process (year for your DM to sell, year or more to find house for you)

Re your MIL: look at all options, especially if you can get SS to fund

Will your DH accept your DM living in your house but not his DM if she was taken ill??? This might be a reason for your DM not to be with you if you can do it

It sounds like your DH expects you to care for both: it us is easy for those from other cultures to say ‘refuse’ but in reality that will create a lot of tension in your marriage (even if you need to refuse /push back on SS!)

Where are DH’s siblings in all this? Is he an only son? Did he receive bulk of the family inheritance (in which case the expectation for him to look after his widowed DM is the ‘price’).

They wouldn’t give help because your mum lived next door? Was that the reason? Or is it just generally that one has to battle tooth and nail for SS support?

Sorry, yes basically because there was immediate family (my mum & myself) & because she lived so close. I even explained about me living further away so I couldn’t support often so their option was for my mum to do some days & me to the others. They said as she was literally next door then she can just pop in throughout the day easily

He’s an only son and there was no family inheritance. Diddly shit. Grew up on the poverty line.

he definitely doesn’t expect me to care for her, he’s said that he would do the bulk naturally I’m not an evil witch I’d help where I could but in the way of cups of tea and maybe grocery shops and a few appointments not intimate caring, the same as he would with my mum.

i think IF she had a serious health need, then she’d be able to stay in a spare room for a period of time. With the goal being rehab say a broken leg or curable cancer. And I guess anything more serious such as hospice, is finite isn’t it. But not for the sake of being ‘old’ as you know the culture there is a tendency with women of the community to get over 50 and then perceive themselves as old age, this is MIL to a T. She doesn’t like that we moved half an hr away, it’s too far for her, she wants to be around her friends so has said she’d never live with us, but 30 years from now she may be whistling a different tune.

So living a few streets away, wondering if that would present the same problem?

im thinking back now, you’ve awakened a memory, my mum had surgery when GM was with us and she tried to get respite for her and she had to fight tooth and nail and they didn’t do shit, she was on crutches trying to push a wheelchair around and go to the supermarket because they agreed to basically just the time she was physically in hospital as respite