There’s no way this can work is there?

[Pickledpicklez]

If there is, please advise.

dm is getting elderly, lives in other end of country. Time is coming to think of more long term plans. Not quite yet but in the next 3 years.

as a working theory we’ve said, well both sell our homes and buy a larger house with an annex for her. Perfect, except there seems to be no way to make this actually possible as no one will let us view a house because we’ve got not one but two houses to sell. So 2 chains.

Dh and I would like another child, so our family may expand. And we don’t have enough savings nor is it affordable mortgage wise to take out a second mortgage especially as we’d be looking at a 5 bed house with an annex, either as an out building or side of the house. We’d need it already built and we’d need to close to my kids school (one of the best in the city so seems foolish to move from the catchment area)

we don’t have enough room as is for dm to sell up and move in now. Plus dm isn’t an easy woman, the annex for some separate living conditions is an absolute must.

only thing I can think of is bridging loan (high risk) and moving my house to consent to let on interest only to remove the capital and maxing out affordability, BUT likely no high street lender would touch us because it’s so high risk and even writing down it’s likely not affordable.

one option is that she needs to sell toute suite and move into a cheap rental but who knows how long it would be til we could find a house that ticks all the boxes

anyone had similar and can help me.

Both my Grandmothers ended up as widows and went into sheltered accommodation. They absolutely loved it! Kept their independence but help was on hand. Is that something you all could consider?

So try to stop worrying, be absolutely clear that the annexe isn't going to happen and start researching alternatives instead

And if your DH mentions "cultural expectations" remind him that nobody can force you to do the caring - unless of course he prefers to give up his own job?

As said, the crucial point is to be utterly clear about what you will and won't do, because anything else will lead to "We'll give it a try just for a month", "She's absolutely promised to accept carers", "I've explained and she completely understands now" and all the rest

Personally it’s what I’d want.

MIL I’m not sure she’d expect it, she doesn’t speak English

Hi I think she woukd be better going to warden control type sheltered accomidation types and some of them are rented and some are bought ones. The great thing about them is if she needs carers they offer that also many have restaurant onsite plus for her other people to talk to as many do activities . I stayed in one I am 44 as needed to move to a ground floor flat as hurt my legs any way the two months man alive I was like I wanna be here when older. This one had hairdresser they played bingo very competitively and they got their own online delivery shopping if they wished and led independent lives

I’d never quit my job and frankly couldn’t afford to and likewise he wouldn’t. I can’t care for his mum aside from helping out here and there, we have a language barrier in the first instance but I also wouldn’t expect him to with my mum but you’re spot on, spot on, literally on the money with the second paragraph

If you can’t care for his mum you must not let her move in. Same for your mum.

In my experience councils can be incredibly reluctant to provide carers if there is anyone else they feasibly think they can palm it off on. Plenty of people who don’t even live with their parents have had to tell the council they are essentially abandoning them (their parents) in order to get care support.

If these ladies live with you you are liable to be considered someone who can care for them, whether you like it or not.

Supported assisted living seems like a fucking great shout.

so here’s my thinking now. Dm in time when she wants downsizes and when the time is right, assisted living closer to us.

how does this work in terms of paying. My DM is affluent but MiL has nothing, never worked, claimed all of her life (dh basically pulled himself up the bootstraps and had to provide for her from 16, holes in coats and shoes as a kid, empty cupboards, dinner would be rice and dried pulse staple- meat once a week, im going off on a tangent

I say all this as someone who will spend my entire life as a carer to my son with disabilities. It’s not that I’m cold. I just know how it feels to stare down the barrel of a lifetime of caring and it’s not something anyone should take on unless they absolutely have to and strongly want to. Sounds like you neither have to not want to.

yeah I can’t and won’t, I mean in this scenario where my mums house paid for mine, financially I probably could, but my can’t is mental. It would break me.

see this other thread I was on, they said carers would still come into the home regardless..that worries me, I’ve seen in another instance (child safeguarding) ss did try and palm off as much on me as they possibly could and really took advantage… so it tracks

You lose 1% per annum your DM would be living in the flat so if it cost £100k it would be £1k per annum. ( balance this v a retirement flat you have to sell - average time to sell is 18 months or longer and likely 50% of value )

Thing is as my friend is finding out if you don't have money to buy a place then there is a waiting list by council so if this is what you want for the mother in law with no money you must contact adult social care in your area and explain what you want and they will sign post council as my friend dad is 17 in line so u r waiting for them to pass away or move to care home etc . However if your mum has money then there are places you biy not rent

right ok,

and do the fees for the carers et al all come included in the purchase price?

I’m trying to think how this might work for mil too when she’s got nothing and I don’t wish to buy her a house

Doesn't matter about an annexe. You said "We don’t have the bedrooms, and I just can’t. I honestly can’t, she’s too much. She’s got a lot of opinions and shares them, there’s also just no space, I don’t think it’s fair on DH to have her just there all the time,"

You do not want to live together. You will resent her. Caring for a difficult elderly relative is not worth risking a happy marriage for. And a parent should not expect it. I get the feeling you're only doing this because your husband wants to do the same with his parent(s) at some point and there is the possibility of a bigger home along the line.

Sorry, you should be realistic now. Your mother can consider moving to a smaller, supported housing situation nearby and you can maintain your own life, have another child and enjoy your married life. Nobody loses in that scenario.

Maybe depends on area if waiting list but sure is for my mate who now has her dad living with her in bradford and they r don't know when availability for sheltered acvomkdation this has been ongoing since last year

I bought a house from someone who was selling along with his mother to buy a house with an annexe. It’s not such an unusual situation.

I don’t understand why it’s problematic for you. Have you tried various agents?

And with your latest post OP then you clearly have a DH problem; not quite divorce-inducing, LTB territory, but if the 'cultural expectations' of recent years has been that you've been living together along more UK-based cultural expectations then he's on the back foot with changing the 'expectations' to suit his DM's needs along 'cultural' lines.

One to one carers are extra.

If MIL can’t buy they do also rent the flats.

How much are they to buy?

thing is the community uproar would be fucking huge. If we were seen to palm her off to a home,

could one be held on to from my mum or would it make sense to sell it to the housing association and then IF MIL need it basically re buy?

She’s only 75. My mum is 85 and active and completely independent. This all seems v premature.

Sheltered accommodation look more like flats not care homes just with added support if needed these ones for those that have no money like my mates dad who js old but got pip etc you don't buy you rent they in bradford however more expensive ones you can buy or rent

This is terrible and please don’t judge me, I feel awful even writing it. I was sort of hoping it would never come to pass for MIL moving in (I know it’s terrible thinking that or almost hoping ) but it’s definitely an expectation of my mum too.

but I’m mid 30s… I do feel like my whole life would be gone caring for people. No house no life of my own, drowning under the weight of other peoples expectations

I can’t stress this enough, DO NOT DO THIS.

Don't do it. Please don’t make the biggest mistake of your life living with your MIL.

Found this info https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/housing-options/sheltered-housing/

we have a new build house, and the nhbc guarantee is up in 6 years. Makes sense to sell when we have some tenure left on it, there’s good demand for these houses, strike whilst the iron is hot sort of thing and I don’t want to move twice in 5 or 10 years… bit too much

So here’s my thinking now. Dm in time when she wants downsizes and when the time is right, assisted living closer to us

Makes perfect sense, OP

Regarding funding, your "affluent" DM will need to pay for it herself, just as anyone else with assets pays for their housing
Your MIL, on the other hand, will probably need a Social Services assessment to identify what they'll fund for her, and rather than the more desirable assisted living it could well be a council run care home

Good luck with your DH/MIL if they're told that, but it makes no difference to the fact it can't be forced onto you, even if DH goes behind your back and tells the assessors you're willing to do it