There’s no way this can work is there?

[Pickledpicklez]

If there is, please advise.

dm is getting elderly, lives in other end of country. Time is coming to think of more long term plans. Not quite yet but in the next 3 years.

as a working theory we’ve said, well both sell our homes and buy a larger house with an annex for her. Perfect, except there seems to be no way to make this actually possible as no one will let us view a house because we’ve got not one but two houses to sell. So 2 chains.

Dh and I would like another child, so our family may expand. And we don’t have enough savings nor is it affordable mortgage wise to take out a second mortgage especially as we’d be looking at a 5 bed house with an annex, either as an out building or side of the house. We’d need it already built and we’d need to close to my kids school (one of the best in the city so seems foolish to move from the catchment area)

we don’t have enough room as is for dm to sell up and move in now. Plus dm isn’t an easy woman, the annex for some separate living conditions is an absolute must.

only thing I can think of is bridging loan (high risk) and moving my house to consent to let on interest only to remove the capital and maxing out affordability, BUT likely no high street lender would touch us because it’s so high risk and even writing down it’s likely not affordable.

one option is that she needs to sell toute suite and move into a cheap rental but who knows how long it would be til we could find a house that ticks all the boxes

anyone had similar and can help me.

those scenarios exist regardless though don’t they, regardless of living dynamic but it makes sense for people to be living alone as long as physically possible

OP I’m so pleased you’ve realised this, and it sounds like the thread has helped you clarify your thinking too. I think it’s really hard when there are expectations on you, but you’re right you can’t do things where it could damage your own MH, and this could especially be the case if your DM was abusive and is difficult.

Just out of curiosity, have you and DH had detailed conversations about what help/roles you would take on caring wise if the worst happened (I think you said if it really came to it your DM would move in?) I imagine it’s hard but think it’d be worth having these conversations well in advance. I don’t think my DM and DF did before my grandparents moved in and I think it caused a lot of tension in their marriage later on.

Bad idea, unless you want to spend the next 10, 20, 30 years exhausting yourself caring for your elderly parent 24/7 as well as small children.

More sensible would be for her to move into supported living or buy a small flat somewhere closer to you.

So you could end up with your mum in an annexe and your MIL moving into your home with you?

Would you be OK with this?

Op I just want to say I can completely understand how difficult this must be to navigate. Between trying to balance cultures, plan ahead kids, working etc..
That said, this is so much more than just a toxic parent. Your mum was abusive and has already said she expects you to have no boundaries. I'm concerned that even encouraging her to live nearer to you might be detrimental to your mental health and therefore family.
It's hard to be the one who breaks the generational cycles but for your children, you need to consider what life will be like with her near. Constant phonecalls, expectations to spend the weekends, pressure to also see during the week, this will continue and ramp up the more support she needs. As someone who's been in a similar situation everything she does will be a trigger for you, not because of how you are now but because the memories she brings back from childhood.

If you have done therapy, you're healed and capable of putting boundaries in place and not relenting under any pressure then ok but consider how all of this will impact your family. As much as society tells us we owe our parents, we owe abusive people nothing. People are so quick to say "why didn't she leave" but when they're a parent it's "you should forgive because they're blood".

Having a parent who is stressed over work, caring requirements and constantly tense over a parent is very difficult as a child and I say that from experience.

Whatever happens I wish you the best that it will work out x

This thread was posted by someone whose mother lives in an annexe that they have built for her and she still isn't happy. Her daughter goes and sits with her for at least an hour every evening but that isn't enough.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5169147-am-i-being-a-terrible-daughter-or-does-mum-expect-too-much?postsby=Snoozyq

Would your DH expect you to provide personal care to his mum, or would he do most of the caring?

dh wouldn’t let it be a council ran care home, and the backlash from the community and his family would be well biblical

'Wouldn't let it' how? Is he going to pay for a private care home place then?

No, I’ve made that clear it wouldn’t happen, nor would he expect it from me

What would happen if the carer didn't turn up, some kind of intimate care was needed and she said she wanted you over him because you're a fellow woman?

We looked at this for my parents. In the end we moved to a house we liked, then bought one for them 5 minutes away. It was much simpler that way.

If she was living alone, then he’d just go but on the off chance she we both just happened to be there, it’s something for sure, he’d be leading on and she’d have to get over it, but I’d help him out because I’m not a total bitch