There’s no way this can work is there?

[Pickledpicklez]

If there is, please advise.

dm is getting elderly, lives in other end of country. Time is coming to think of more long term plans. Not quite yet but in the next 3 years.

as a working theory we’ve said, well both sell our homes and buy a larger house with an annex for her. Perfect, except there seems to be no way to make this actually possible as no one will let us view a house because we’ve got not one but two houses to sell. So 2 chains.

Dh and I would like another child, so our family may expand. And we don’t have enough savings nor is it affordable mortgage wise to take out a second mortgage especially as we’d be looking at a 5 bed house with an annex, either as an out building or side of the house. We’d need it already built and we’d need to close to my kids school (one of the best in the city so seems foolish to move from the catchment area)

we don’t have enough room as is for dm to sell up and move in now. Plus dm isn’t an easy woman, the annex for some separate living conditions is an absolute must.

only thing I can think of is bridging loan (high risk) and moving my house to consent to let on interest only to remove the capital and maxing out affordability, BUT likely no high street lender would touch us because it’s so high risk and even writing down it’s likely not affordable.

one option is that she needs to sell toute suite and move into a cheap rental but who knows how long it would be til we could find a house that ticks all the boxes

anyone had similar and can help me.

I did post on another username before and the gist of the thread was yeah plan for the future they’ll need to move in for at least a period of time

As someone who had to care for elderly disabled parents for more than a decade, I can say there was no way I would ever have wanted to move in together. My own house was an absolutely essential refuge to get away from the stress of it.

If you browse through posts on the Elderly Parents board on MN, you will find many stressed carers, but very few of them have parents living with them, and most of them would run away screaming at the idea of it, I think.

And interestingly, although my own grandmother lived with us for many years when I was a child, my own mother never even suggested the idea to me, I think because she knew how difficult it had been for her coping with her mother in the household and she didn't want to inflict the same on me.

I think I'd want your DM to move local to you asap, in her own place. As her needs change, you can buy in help and do what you can yourself. Being local will help hugely in seeing her needs and organising care. You can move in together at a later point if you still want to and if it works out money wise. You may never live together but if she is nearby, you can see her regularly and move forwards from that.

To be honest, if your DC are very young and you may have more, it will be a nightmare for you trying to support DM from a distance.

I can confidently say, working in both housing, benefits and fraud that any kind of ‘deprivation’ is unfounded. You have to prove it firstly which is extremely difficult, impossible in fact. You basically have to say “yes, my DM sold her house knowing she would have to go to a care home and we would inherit- and we did this on purpose and she agreed to it”.
No successful case in 20 years.
Your DM would also have to need a home pretty fast, we can only ask for three months bank statements for a start. I’m presuming she doesn’t have dementia and is sound of mind. It’s her money, her house and she can do what she sees fit.

For any naysayers, contact your local council and make a FOI request.

PS your reasons are sound so there’s also that!

Don't do it! For either parent. You could quite easily spend the next 20+ years as a carer. That's the best part of your life on hold. I get on really well with my mum, but I know living together would really damage our relationship and I'd end up resenting her - and that's without needing to be her carer! I love her to bits but even a two week holiday would be pushing it.

What about YOUR family? You need to put time and effort into your marriage, and time and effort into being a great mum. And most importantly make time for YOU! Don't sacrifice your life for others. As they say "don't set yourself on fire just to keep others warm".

It might be a cultural thing on your husband's side, but tough. That's not what's best for everyone. You'll have a much better relationship if you live apart. My mum has carers four times a day and a cleaner. I visit several times a week, but when I visit I'm not having to do her washing or help her change her incontinence pants, instead we go to the garden centre, go to the theatre, visit a national trust place. Mum has only got a couple of years left at best, but I'm going to make damn sure I enjoy them with her and that means spending time enjoying tea and cake in a cafe, not wiping her bum!

OP, echoing what other PPs have said, I think you need to consider and research really carefully whether your mum moving in with you (even in an annex) is a good idea financially and for the family as a whole. From experience of my grandparents living with us as a kid (my GM was a very difficult person) the caring responsibilities took a big toll on my DM and she wasn’t able to give time snd emotional support to us kids. If your DM moves in and her health deteriorated, who is going to look after her and how will this work with work/finances and your DC? Will there be enough time and attention to go round?

Can she just not sell her house and buy one in the same town as you? Separation is good and the whole process would be easier. Is she very keen to live with you?

We had exactly the same issue with my dad. We got both houses ready to sell then he put his on the market first and once he'd accepted an offer on his we put ours on the market and he moved in with us so we were only selling one house while looking for properties to move to. It all came together, you may be cramped in your house for a bit but it'll be great when you all move together to your new fab big house 💐

both sets of GMs lived with my mum… she still suggests it.

But the annex for me is a non negotiable, and then if she needs to move at a later date then we’d all need to move again, which is right faff. In my head I was trying to head that off at pass. Save stamp duty etc.

plus if we have another child we’d need to upsize for another bedroom and study.

^ lost my train of thought but what I was saying is using the equity from my house and all of hers our mortgage would be substantially less than what we have now, which would be a nice asset for us in our retirement to downsize one day and have extra capital

does anyone know if houses with annexes are hard to sell on?

Oh I do so so agree with this and I think I’d blink and then bam I’d be a pensioner too

We don’t have the bedrooms, and I just can’t. I honestly can’t, she’s too much. She’s got a lot of opinions and shares them, there’s also just no space, I don’t think it’s fair on DH to have her just there all the time, I think it would be fair to him, it is quite suffocating. Hence why the only option is an annex

I don't think an annexe will give you the space, mentally, you think it will.

You'll still be right there 24/7. She'll still be there 24/7.

MIL lives with us. She has lots of her own space. It's still hard. She is the easiest going person I've ever met and it's still hard. It would be a living nightmare if she was difficult.

So in principle it would be cheaper than everything now as she’d pay for bills too and our mortgage would be 100k less.

simply put I wouldn’t give up work, and if it came to the point in which that was needed then her living with us isn’t working. She’d be able to pay for carers to come in.

genuine question if she lived down the road and her health deteriorates would it not be the same?

Talk to me about this? I see it more as neighbours where she spends most of her time and maintains her flat or whatever:

what’s your experience does your have an annex or a you share a larger house and she has her area?

What happens when she needs to pay care fees? Will you have to buy her share in the house off her?

Your thinking on this seems a bit muddled OP.

You're talking about her potentially needing care at 3am, but you have two young DC, want another and have a job, how are you going to provide care at 3am? Let alone to a woman you find challenging and who is highly unlikely to get less so as she ages. And what happens if your DPs mum suddenly becomes unwell and needs to move in too, or your DM lives much longer than you are expecting, are you going to move house again and care for both?

My DMs grandmother moved in with my DMs family when DM was 7, the expectation was she'd live with them for 10 years. She died, still living with my grandparents, when my DM was 40. My grandparents' whole lives were taken up by caring, without any gap between hands on caring for DC and hand on caring for a parent. Do you want that, for your and your DC?

You're (presumably from this statement) from a culture where they don't. Why does his culture trump yours?

Maybe speak to a someone that deals with this at SS. You will know exactly what you can and can't do that way.

I jointly owned the house my DDad lived in. He moved in with me for 9 months and in that time he went from reasonably well to severely demented.

I rented the house out.

The state wanted me to sell the house to release his half but I sought advice and refused to sell. They had no means of making me do this and my owning one half rendered his half valueless although I was advised to pay him a nominal fee for his half as an act of goodwill and that is what I did.

I paid his care fees for a year and then the state took over. He lived in care for ten years.

I adored him but caring for him nearly broke me. It was hell as he was so mentally unwell.

If I had my time over and in your situation, I would support her in her own home for now and then when she needs care, literally hand it all over to SS. Had I done that instead of trying to help out, my DDads situation would have been altogether more pleasant. I thought I could care for him and I couldn't but don't use your mothers money tied up in her house for anything until you have had very good advice as it might come around to bite you on the butt.

Do you have any siblings? Would part of this new house have to go to siblings as inheritance?

I think it’s a big jump from being at the other end of the country to being next door. Does she know people in your area? If not she’s going to be leaning on you for company more than you think. How old is she? My mother went from being totally active, independent and self sufficient to needing sooooo much care between 75 and 80. I’d like my mum to move into a wing/annex in our house when we do it up, but that’s just to make it easier for me as I’m going twice a day to her house and doing 80% for her. I can’t imagine having a new baby in the mix as well. It feels like having a child already!

Everyone I know that's done this has ended up on antidepressants.
Think long and very very hard. Not the sacrifice I'd let my DC make hopefully.
She'd really let you do this?!

My mil moved next door to us when she was in her 80s

We had two young boys and both of us worked full time.

Pros:
She had an amazing relationship with her grandchildren

We didn't have to pack up and travel every few weeks or so for a whole weekend or more to see her

Seeing her & keeping her company for 10/15 minute slots every day was so much better than all being in the same house for a weekend or longer

She rarely came into our house except at Christmas

She looked after the boys for short periods of time if we wanted to go out

Any medical/financial issues I was on hand to help sort out

She stayed independent for the rest of her life and when she needed help we were just next door, she got carers in and had a cleaner. The main thing we did was do her online shop and arrange appointments.

Cons:

Can't think of any to be honest

It's different for everyone and only you can decide if it will work for you. I loved my MIL and she was a lovely lady. She died in her own home aged 96.

The same as if she had no assets I presume, the poster up thread affirmed that it wouldn’t be a deprivation of assets scenario. If she needed carers in she’d be able to pay for them. Her after tax income is sufficient

Honestly my head is spinning with it… so that’s not surprising.

mil is about 15 years younger than mine so whilst no guarantee of anything, playing the odds, she’ll likely outlive my mum, she’s just turned 60. She already lives a lot closer, so that’s less of an immediate concern. But we’d have a spare bedroom for adhoc needs.

but the fact that my mum could feasibly live for another 15 years and MIL 15 again on top (30)…. And then that would mean 30 years of being a carer in someway shape or form is fucking terrifying

I wouldn't touch a bridging loan.far far too risky. If she isn't an easy woman then sharing a house even with an annexe won't be easy. Maybe her own small house or flat nearish to you would be worth considering.