There’s no way this can work is there?

[Pickledpicklez]

If there is, please advise.

dm is getting elderly, lives in other end of country. Time is coming to think of more long term plans. Not quite yet but in the next 3 years.

as a working theory we’ve said, well both sell our homes and buy a larger house with an annex for her. Perfect, except there seems to be no way to make this actually possible as no one will let us view a house because we’ve got not one but two houses to sell. So 2 chains.

Dh and I would like another child, so our family may expand. And we don’t have enough savings nor is it affordable mortgage wise to take out a second mortgage especially as we’d be looking at a 5 bed house with an annex, either as an out building or side of the house. We’d need it already built and we’d need to close to my kids school (one of the best in the city so seems foolish to move from the catchment area)

we don’t have enough room as is for dm to sell up and move in now. Plus dm isn’t an easy woman, the annex for some separate living conditions is an absolute must.

only thing I can think of is bridging loan (high risk) and moving my house to consent to let on interest only to remove the capital and maxing out affordability, BUT likely no high street lender would touch us because it’s so high risk and even writing down it’s likely not affordable.

one option is that she needs to sell toute suite and move into a cheap rental but who knows how long it would be til we could find a house that ticks all the boxes

anyone had similar and can help me.

I have one but he’s a vile individual, so that’s out in terms of support and also benefiting, selling now and using it for a larger house for basically me, would cut him out entirely which is what she wants to do anyway as he’d never help, in any way in old age

I don't see why you can't view properties?
A few years ago my husband and I both had flats to sell and had no problem viewing houses. I guess we didn't have 2 chains because we moved into the 2nd flat when the first one sold.

Maybe that’s the option…

a house for her close by, luckily she does know people here but if we had another child we’d have to move anyway, but we move to a house that has the potential to do an annex…. And she can get a v small bungalow close by

they literally won’t let us, I saw a lovely ticks all the boxes house (and you’ve seen how many boxes we’ve got) and the agent said the seller refused (different houses have said the same now) as they want basically first time buyers or someone in more an immediate position. Chatting at work others have found this problem too, people won’t let you view a house when yours isn’t even on the market

She wouldn’t be on the property deeds, she’d be gifting the deposit as it were

Not really no, both my sets of GMs lived with my mum. Plus in this scenario my mum would be coming before his

Just wanted to say this is actually really helpful guys, thank you!

this has been worrying me sick.

someone asked would she really ask this of me… I said to her, I’ll spend my whole life being a carer and my children are so young, she broke down in tears and said she always had visions of dying alone..: so safe to say yes, she would want this of me

Fair enough. I guess we had already sold STC one property with the other on the market when we started looking.

I hope you find a solution that works for you. Good luck.

Do you have any assisted living facilities near you. LA / Housing Association led NOT McCarthy and Stone. Your DM could sell her property and buy there. The advantages are : relatively cheap to buy - or could rent.

Upon her death / going into care the Housing Association buy it off you ( at a pre determined discount i.e. -1% per year living there ) . While living there they have a 24 hour alarm system for emergencies and out of hours and weekends . ( usually staff around 9 - 5 Mon - fri). Easier to get carers to visit if needed as others also have carers. Mix of fully able / less able in the community. Staff will check on residents if they don’t see they around to make sure they are ok.

Usually run plenty of activities i.e. craft / bingo / knitting circle / coffee mornings / quizzes etc. and the residents can be as involved or otherwise as they want.

Flats are designed for wheelchair use with a wet room type shower so future proofing for lack of mobility.

There are service charges above council tax but that’s the cost of staff being available / alarm / gardening etc.

We moved or DP into Assisted Living - best thing we did as we knew none of use would cope with them living with us / or next door and we know they are safe 24 x 7 so don’t have to worry about any of us going on holiday and leaving them unsupported.

Might be an idea if there is a facility near you.

Do you have siblings?

I’d say having some physical separation would make a big difference especially to your DC. If your DM is difficult and especially if her behaviour becomes worse due to any future illness (this happened with my GM with dementia who lived with us) then they would be more shielded.

I think this is the best option. We're thinking of the same thing for my mum in the next couple of years.

Is that different from retirement property? Pardon the ignorance? I’ve heard they are terrible as the value falls.

could my mum get one, live in it, after she passes MIL live in it and then us get rid?

Yeah, but they’d not support nor benefit from the estate

Obviously dementia can happen at any age but she’s mid 70s now and touch wood not yet.

We purchased a house from an elderly couple who were moving into a new property with their son who was also selling. They purchased a house with no chain and it all worked out in the end although exchange day was stressful. It can be done!

How selfish of her! Left alone where she lives now she'll possibly die alone, but down here in a little bungalow near you or even better a sheltered accommodation flat that PP mentioned (my mum is in one and I highly recommend them) then you are most likely to be near her side when she passes anyway.

Would you impose yourself on YOUR children for 15 years just because you were scared that when your time came you 'might' be alone?? I know for certain I wouldn't. I'd rather die alone but happy in the knowledge that I'd raised children who'd led and good, happy independent lives.

Yes different to a retirement property - you don’t want one of those. Hence my McCarthy & Stone comment.

In the Assisted Living flat my DP have , the Housing Association buy it back so you don’t have to worry about selling it. Won’t get top market value as they calculate 1% of value per annum off the selling price for each year lived there but not a priority to get a quick sale. Will probably be cheaper than value of DM current property so will also free up some capital for your DM. As long as MIL qualifies she could move in but would need this agreed with the HA as a possibility - ( transfer of title etc.) but you ultimately sell it back to the HA. So no delays when winding up the estate. You couldn’t buy the property in your name as the person owing can’t have any other property in their name ( not even a villa in Portugal !)

Because it’s Assisted Living, you do need to be aware there will also be people living there who have disabilities / use wheelchairs / dementia etc. so not all fit active pensioners going on their 3rd cruise of the year !

You do need to do your homework to make sure you are comfortable with the terms of purchase & associated service costs but having been in your situation it proved to be the best option to keep DP safe , and my siblings and I keep our sanity - not be permanently stressed out with daily visits to a house at least 30 minutes away ( or in my case 4 hours ) and the late night / early morning calls for “urgent” issues.

Also meant we didn’t have to worry about missing visits / going on holiday etc. Well worth investigating but make sure you look at Assisted Living not retirement village / homes

I said to her, I’ll spend my whole life being a carer and my children are so young, she broke down in tears and said she always had visions of dying alone..: so safe to say yes, she would want this of me

I never doubted that for an instant, OP, and it's why an annexe would never work whether she was "difficult" or not. Picture her "just popping in" constantly with some new worry/illness and you'll quickly see why

I'd also forget any idea of her employing carers while you "carry on working", since someone who expects so much will almost certainly refuse them

What your mum did for her own parents/PILs has absolutely nothing to do with this; your primary responsibility is to your own family, and to my mind the only sensible option is a separate place nearby so that you cxan help as and when you choose but also have your own four walls to retreat to

What’s the qualification criteria? Do you mind if I PM you? Is this one of those rare as rocking horse 💩 sort of LA provided things due to the toris or do they exist all over

First parts absolutely and then because I’ve had my dm my MIL would be moving in after and she’s even worse and she would refuse carers. My dm for all her ills probably wouldn’t. MIL would. It makes me feel quite sick with worry thinking about it

Do you lose 1% off the market value or they buy it back for 1% of the market value. So a 200k property they buy back for 2k?

I said to her, I’ll spend my whole life being a carer and my children are so young, she broke down in tears and said she always had visions of dying alone..: so safe to say yes, she would want this of me

Oh my goodness. You cannot commit yourself to someone so inconsiderate of you. She will make things so difficult for you each and every day without a second thought about how it affects you. My mum is terrified of “being a burden”, as are most elderly people I think. The fact your mum is not is a huge red flag in terms of living with her.

I think you might be being blinded by the prospect of a better, cheaper house. But that’s not going to mean much to you if you effectively have no life for the next several decades.

I also strongly advise you to begin laying the groundwork now for your MIL not living with you either. You WILL end up doing all the care for her while your DH’s life goes on as normal. And she is his problem not yours.

You have one life. Don’t spend it in thankless service to people you have no obligation to. We get enough of that by having children!

First parts absolutely and then because I’ve had my dm my MIL would be moving in after and she’s even worse and she would refuse carers. My dm for all her ills probably wouldn’t. MIL would. It makes me feel quite sick with worry thinking about it

Just saw this. You really need to get firm about this now and set expectations that MIL will not be moving in. This would absolutely be a divorcing issue for me if he insisted. No way should you give up your life for someone else’s very difficult mother. No way.

This. Look for a place where she can buy a flat but where meals, cleaning, shared social space and so on is available, close to you.