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Original poster

Would you leave dh over this?

274 replies

pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:26

I've been married for 10 years and have 3 children together.
Dh fished out an old iPad from back when I first met him that he said I could use to read on while I was unwell as my phone is too small, he booted it up for the first time since right after we met.
I noticed on it were hundreds of messages to woman on his old fb friends list all basically saying the same thing that he'd liked them for ages and asking them out.
Unfortunately I was one of these woman and had taken the bate where nobody else had so instead of him genuinely being interested in me, he's just asked out hundreds of people all at once and I was the mug that accepted and now we're married.
He was desperate for a girlfriend and anyone would do and I just happened to fall in his net.
We have a happy marriage but It all feels so meaningless now.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 05/10/2024 10:20

You don't know who you're talking to in the pub either.

lololulu · 05/10/2024 10:30

BlastedPimples · 05/10/2024 10:20

You don't know who you're talking to in the pub either.

You can't compare the two.

Teanbiscuits33 · 05/10/2024 10:38

lololulu · 05/10/2024 09:49

It's not ideal. You've no idea who you are talking too.

Show quote history

Technically, you’ve no idea who you’re talking to when you first meet them in real life either. If someone approaches you in a bar, you’re still non the wiser whether that person is an axe murderer or not. You should take precautions when meeting anyone for the first time regardless of how you met, so I don’t really understand this ‘online danger’ thing when it comes to fully fledged adults interacting.

BlastedPimples · 05/10/2024 12:33

Course you can compare the two.

Meeting strangers is meeting strangers whether online or in rl.

TrixieMixie · 05/10/2024 17:48

A lot of people want a partner and cast their net to find someone. He found you - and you have a happy marriage. Maybe it’s a little unromantic if you believe in fairy tales, but life is about proper love - commitment, kindness, loyalty, honesty. Let yourself get over it and maybe even see the funny side…. I once asked my husband what was the best thing about me hoping for something romantic and he said ‘you’re really good at your job’ - it’s become a standing joke.

JoBrandsCleaner · 05/10/2024 17:56

How are things now though? You’ve built a life with him and he’s your 3 kids dad. I wouldn’t throw all that away because he was ready to find someone so was looking around. If he’s faithful to you and you’re getting on alright it would be such a shame to throw it all away, he hasn’t asked them all to marry him has he

Atsocta · 05/10/2024 18:20

If there’s nothing since you met, I would definitely forget all that and continue with your happy marriage… let it go!,,

gerryk62 · 05/10/2024 18:32

Yes but he fell in love with you❤️

AlbertAvocado · 05/10/2024 18:39

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 04/10/2024 11:30

I can understand your hurt but I don't think I would leave him over this.

Try and reframe it. Instead of thinking of him as a wannabe player who was spinning a line to loads of women perhaps try and think of him as a hopeless romantic who thought that if he sent out loads of messages fate would intervene and send him 'the one'. Which is exactly what happened.

Edited

This, definitely.

tolerable · 05/10/2024 18:39

maybe he had-liked you for ages......you one in a million. depends how ev day of last 10years has gone?
happy mattiage-you consider ditching?

Disturbia81 · 05/10/2024 18:49

pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:46

I think it's just the fact that I believed him when he said he'd liked me for ages and been trying to find the courage to ask me out and thought he was just chasing me.
He was only in his 20s then and hadn't really had a proper girlfriend but he does treat me well and our marriage is good, I just feel hurt that I could have been anyone of those woman who got the same message.

I'm with you OP
I've found out so many truths about men that I just don't bother now.
I once found out the same thing.. I thought he specifically liked me but he was just saying the same thing to loads of women and seeing who took the bait, and went with that. I cringed at naive me feeling special! It's a numbers game with men. Try and remember that their ultimate goal in life is sex and they will do what they need to do to get it.
Not all of them, but many.
It's so alien to us.. when we like someone, we just like them. Not send 100s of messages to different men

Yoonimum · 05/10/2024 19:16

Young, inexperienced men can be pretty unsophisticated when it comes to dating. But as someone said, it could have ended on date 1...or 2... or the nth date. He DID see something special in you! Don't let this erode your self esteem or your marriage; be happy for what you have built together.

Fronkens · 05/10/2024 19:24

Why does this matter? Men try their luck left and right to get laid. Doesn't mean they will marry every one of them. He married you. Is that not good enough? Do you seriously think you are that special he would only wait for you and nobody else to go on a date? And if you had refused him he would be alone forever? It's a numbers game everyone is playing. Don't tell me you did not try to go on other dates with other guys. Get over yourself. You are not that special, you are like everyone else trying to find a match. You found it. So what is the problem. Be happy. Now move on with your life.

Sceptical123 · 05/10/2024 19:25

pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:57

Maybe I am overthinking a bit, it wasn't what I was expecting to see so I was a bit shocked and upset.
It will teach me for opening the message app.

I don't think any good will come of bringing it up accept I'll look like I was snooping through his iPad that he let me use with good intention.

I'll look like I was snooping through his iPad that he let me use with good intention.

You were. Why were you reading his messages? Thats the equivalent of looking at someone’s old diary. Pretty intrusive, and you’re saying you were contemplating leaving him over this

Thankgodforwine · 05/10/2024 19:26

It was 10 years ago ....also he was in his 20s. People change and evolve and you's have a lovely life . I'd make a joke about it and absolutely would not leave him

Bernardo1 · 05/10/2024 19:27

For gods sake if you dislike your husband, then by all means leave him.

But by choosing to view personal messages previous to your marriage, was your decision and problem.
If he felt remotely guilty about them he wouldn't have given you access.

Redmat · 05/10/2024 19:28

Don't throw away a good marriage and shatter the lives of three children, because your pride has been hurt. It does seem a bit of a gung-ho way of finding a girlfriend ,but he obviously loves you. He married you.

DillyDallyingAllDay · 05/10/2024 19:33

I'd definitely tell him I knew about the messages etc; it'll eat away at you if you don't. Give him a chance to explain but personally it doesn't sound like that big of a deal; it's not like he sent those messages while you were dating! SO many people start off a relationship with a little deceit- dyed hair, filters, makeup, exaggeration etc etc etc.
Maybe he had liked you and a bunch of other girls; he tried something to see if it was mutual. I'd no way be throwing away a happy marriage for his messages before you dated.

Hmm1234 · 05/10/2024 19:34

pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:26

I've been married for 10 years and have 3 children together.
Dh fished out an old iPad from back when I first met him that he said I could use to read on while I was unwell as my phone is too small, he booted it up for the first time since right after we met.
I noticed on it were hundreds of messages to woman on his old fb friends list all basically saying the same thing that he'd liked them for ages and asking them out.
Unfortunately I was one of these woman and had taken the bate where nobody else had so instead of him genuinely being interested in me, he's just asked out hundreds of people all at once and I was the mug that accepted and now we're married.
He was desperate for a girlfriend and anyone would do and I just happened to fall in his net.
We have a happy marriage but It all feels so meaningless now.

It would give me the ICK wouldn’t be able to look or touch him again

TrishM80 · 05/10/2024 19:44

Blanketyre · 04/10/2024 11:28

Ouch. That must have hurt OP. Why on earth would he have made sure you saw these messages?

Don't be fucking stupid, I doubt the guy even considered there would be old messages from Facebook!

Teanbiscuits33 · 05/10/2024 19:46

Fronkens · 05/10/2024 19:24

Why does this matter? Men try their luck left and right to get laid. Doesn't mean they will marry every one of them. He married you. Is that not good enough? Do you seriously think you are that special he would only wait for you and nobody else to go on a date? And if you had refused him he would be alone forever? It's a numbers game everyone is playing. Don't tell me you did not try to go on other dates with other guys. Get over yourself. You are not that special, you are like everyone else trying to find a match. You found it. So what is the problem. Be happy. Now move on with your life.

Who pissed on your chips? Why so harsh? Feeling the need to make sure OP knows she’s ’not that special’. Absolutely no need for it. Everyone likes to feel a bit special and that they’ve been chosen for their own unique attributes, and no one wants to think they were chosen simply because they breathe. You must understand that? You’re being deliberately unpleasant

Maria1979 · 05/10/2024 19:52

pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:46

I think it's just the fact that I believed him when he said he'd liked me for ages and been trying to find the courage to ask me out and thought he was just chasing me.
He was only in his 20s then and hadn't really had a proper girlfriend but he does treat me well and our marriage is good, I just feel hurt that I could have been anyone of those woman who got the same message.

So he asked many girls out, what's the problem? He married you, you have children, he hasn't cheated..Just let it be OP, it's not worth getting upset about.

Choochoo21 · 05/10/2024 20:02

This would really hurt me but I would say over 50% of couples started off exactly the same.

Any one who’s met on online dating or at a club/pub are going to be part of a long like of women.

Most dating sites now will have a thing where you copy and paste, as so many men were just copying and pasting to every women on there.

He was trying his luck with lots of women - that’s not so awful.

You didn’t stay because of that initial message.
You haven’t been married and had kids with him purely on that initial message.
So the message is not relevant anymore as you have something much stronger and it’s the reason why you’ve stayed together so long.

I’m sorry you saw these messages but try and put them out if your mind.

Doubledenim305 · 05/10/2024 20:03

That was then, this is now.
If you like him and get on well, who really cares.
Lots of people are head over heels in love at the beginning,.then he or she cheats or u find out their a narcissist etc.
What's important is how your marriage actually is.
Lots of people internet date..they throw the net wide, hoping to find someone..
I think you should look at the positive and be grateful u got a good marriage and 3 Beautiful children and you are all healthy (I presume).
Life is not a movie. Its real broken damaged people trying to make their way through.
Just my tuppence worth.

MayNov · 05/10/2024 20:07

I wouldn’t even mention it to him. How would he know who the special one is without going on a lot of dates with a lot of women. How would he know where the princess was without messaging a lot of frogs. The man was just proactive and put in the work. Why do you think you’re the mug because you’re the only one that responded. Most women want a loyal, kind partner to marry and have kids with, the way I see it they are the mugs. And had he never messaged 300 other women he would never have found you. I don’t think he did anything wrong. I don’t even think it’s that pathetic, I’ve applied to 300 jobs in the past looking for the perfect one and I’d message 300 men if I believed my perfect soul mate might answer back and increasing my effort would increase my chances. Unfortunately I’ve never had that level of dedication and I’ve generally just waited around for the opposite sex to put in the work. Good for him for putting in the work and finding you.