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Original poster

Would you leave dh over this?

274 replies

pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:26

I've been married for 10 years and have 3 children together.
Dh fished out an old iPad from back when I first met him that he said I could use to read on while I was unwell as my phone is too small, he booted it up for the first time since right after we met.
I noticed on it were hundreds of messages to woman on his old fb friends list all basically saying the same thing that he'd liked them for ages and asking them out.
Unfortunately I was one of these woman and had taken the bate where nobody else had so instead of him genuinely being interested in me, he's just asked out hundreds of people all at once and I was the mug that accepted and now we're married.
He was desperate for a girlfriend and anyone would do and I just happened to fall in his net.
We have a happy marriage but It all feels so meaningless now.

OP posts:
Pusheen467 · 04/10/2024 15:28

Some good sensible replies on here - I'm sure we've all acted in undignified ways at some point in our lives. I agree that it's no different to swiping right on a load of people then deciding after a match if you click and want to take things further. It sounds like you have a great relationship and whilst I completely understand why you're upset, I don't think it's worth ruining your marriage over. And FWIW I saw something similiar when am ex logged into an old account in front of me so I do know how you feel.

DragonGypsyDoris · 04/10/2024 15:33

pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:26

I've been married for 10 years and have 3 children together.
Dh fished out an old iPad from back when I first met him that he said I could use to read on while I was unwell as my phone is too small, he booted it up for the first time since right after we met.
I noticed on it were hundreds of messages to woman on his old fb friends list all basically saying the same thing that he'd liked them for ages and asking them out.
Unfortunately I was one of these woman and had taken the bate where nobody else had so instead of him genuinely being interested in me, he's just asked out hundreds of people all at once and I was the mug that accepted and now we're married.
He was desperate for a girlfriend and anyone would do and I just happened to fall in his net.
We have a happy marriage but It all feels so meaningless now.

Would Facebook allow an immediate login on an account which hasn't been touched for 10 years, and would such old messages be immediately visible?

BettyBardMacDonald · 04/10/2024 15:39

Well, people do say that dating is a numbers game.

I get being deflated if everyone received the same message.
But that's long ago.

Is he a decent man? Do you love him? Is he a good father to the children?
He sounds nice, digging out a tablet so that you can be more comfortable.

Try to just forget it and move on. People do clumsy things when they are young.

Flugelb1nder · 04/10/2024 15:43

I would be considering it

FrauPaige · 04/10/2024 15:44

Nothing to see here. There are plenty of reasons to end a marriage and deprive children of close proximity to their father - this is not one of them.

Best not to go forensically excavating the past unless he has given you reason to - you will become your own saboteur.

I wouldn't even bring it up as that may risk resentment and trust issues that I imagine you don't want to introduce into your relationship?

Enjoy your marriage and family life.

GameOfJones · 04/10/2024 15:45

I do understand you being upset, but I definitely wouldn't consider leaving him.... I wouldn't even mention it.

It wasn't great of him, but neither was snooping at his old messages. There is no point telling him and having him lose trust in you for snooping when there was no need to. So I'd call it even and just move on.

isthesolution · 04/10/2024 15:47

In answer to your question - no. I would not leave a happy marriage for something he did before you were married.

I see why it's upsetting. But you accepted the date and it worked out to be fate and you were meant for eachother?!

BirthdayRainbow · 04/10/2024 15:49

My now ex h wrote to five girls and I was the only one who replied. We then got married though thank fuck I am divorced from him now.

Try not to stress. You liked him, you married each other. Unless he's been sleazing after other women since then I'd let this go. For your sake, not his.

Coldautumnmornings · 04/10/2024 15:52

I suppose all you need to ask yourself is do you feel loved and appreciated now and throughout the marriage? If yes, then that all that matters really, not how it started. Just because he used a scattergun approach at first, which might have been an ill advised comment from a friend, doesn't mean to say he didn't fall in love with you.

Jom222 · 04/10/2024 15:53

I probably wouldn't leave over this. I'd think how lonely he must have been and how hard he was trying to meet a nice woman.

Unless he was creepy in his messages? Just casting a wide net isn't bad-maybe he was awkward in person, his work/social life didn't offer many single ladies to try to ask out, etc.

I know my H did newspaper ads dating back in the dark ages, he was confident except with women he just didn't know how to ask girls out or keep a relationship going. I gave him a chance and he really stepped up to the plate and is a great husband today in most ways.

Do you love him?
Is it a happy marriage overall?
If so I'd just think he went through all that to lead to me. Lucky guy!

BirthdayRainbow · 04/10/2024 15:53

Blanketyre · 04/10/2024 11:33

He did make sure you saw them. He didn't delete them and he gave you the iPad that they were on.

What has he said?

Show quote history

He could have forgotten they were there. Don't try and make @pringlesandcheese more upset than she already is.

DaisyChain505 · 04/10/2024 15:53

Yes this would sting and you should definitely bring it up. Otherwise it’s going to eat you up and cause issues else where as you’ll be thinking about it non stop and take it out on him in other ways.

you haven’t done anything wrong by coming across these messages and you have the right to let him know that the discovery of them has hurt you.

give him the chance to reassure you that you’re the best thing to happen to him.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 04/10/2024 15:54

If you’re happy, what does it matter how you got to this point? It’s just the same as online dating. He may well have been attracted to a number of women at that point in his life , but you chose him and he chose you.

Bellaboo568 · 04/10/2024 15:54

Sorry if it's been said, I haven't read the whole thread, but who has an ipad that works after 10 yrs plus of not being switched on! That's the more shocking news.

WowSpeechless · 04/10/2024 15:54

Look around you - happy marriages after 10 years are not that common - you found a boyfriend keen to have a relationship and he turned into a husband you have been happy with. Sounds like you are a winner rather than a mug - look what that other women missed out on.

SallyWD · 04/10/2024 15:55

Really, hundreds of women?? I can't believe he even knew hundreds, let alone told hundreds of women he was interested. This seems a bit far-fetched.

PsychoHotSauce · 04/10/2024 15:56

Posters aren't getting it, it's nothing like OLD. I would be if he was just chatting to loads of women, but it sounds more like he was laying it on thick with "I've liked for for ages", making her feel special and flattered, when he was sending the exact same "intense soulmate feelings" to all of them!

Even worse, it seems she was the only one who fell for his lines, so now she rightly feels lied to, and this whole vaguely romantic notion of him chasing her because of his feelings that he's held for ages wasn't true at all. If another woman had engaged with him, would he have picked her instead? It must feel like he would just settle down and marry anyone. Awful.

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 04/10/2024 15:58

SallyWD · 04/10/2024 15:55

Really, hundreds of women?? I can't believe he even knew hundreds, let alone told hundreds of women he was interested. This seems a bit far-fetched.

It's probably just a turn of phrase.

When I have to guess numbers of things its

Single - 1
A couple - 2
A few - 3-6
A handful - 6-10
Hundreds - any amount over 10

Mickey79 · 04/10/2024 15:58

You don’t marry someone and have three children with them because they ‘ took the bait’ on a random message. He won’t even remember those messages still being on the iPad or who he sent them too, it was 10 years ago! Have enough faith in your relationship and husband to know that you are together because you love each other. The messages you found aren’t important and are from another lifetime.

BobbyBiscuits · 04/10/2024 16:02

It seems a bit basic to send the exact same message to tons of women. But that's more unimaginative than anything else. If he was single and really wanted to find a GF, to set out to flirt with whoever he fancied on FB doesn't seem that abnormal. He just could've personalised it a bit more perhaps.
He's with you, you love eachother. It might make him look crass etc but it shouldn't diminish everything they'd happened since you've been together.
It's no different really to someone being on OLD and reaching out to plenty of people they like the look of.

raydavis · 04/10/2024 16:08

Arlanymor · 04/10/2024 11:37

No, it was a decade ago and presumably you are both happy now? It's not a reason to leave, it's the equivalent of him as a single man going to a speed dating event and ticking lots of 'would date' boxes on the form at the end.

The use of 'I took the bait' was a bit telling though, it sounds as if you feel that you were tricked somehow? That's a strange way to frame things if you liked him and still do to this day. And it wasn't hundreds was it? Maybe a handful?

Edited

To me this seems different to someone being on a dating app and asking out many different women.

If his message to the OP was based on the fact that he'd known her for ages and has had feelings all this time etc it then seems less genuine if he was saying that to many women.

It's a bit different than asking a virtual stranger out for a drink as it's the fact he declared feelings that were perhaps maybe not 100% genuine at the time (unless of course he genuinely had been hiding secret feelings for many female friends and decided to declare his interest all in one go)

stichguru · 04/10/2024 16:14

This IS how dating works. You meet people, you go out with them, you see if you want to hook up longer term...! Odd

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 04/10/2024 16:14

Only read OP posts...

I sent an identical message to several men on a dating app. One was dh. I married him because I fell in love with him. Not because anyone would do!

I didn't think you have anything to worry about

Thegreenhandbag · 04/10/2024 16:18

The online dating analogies are not accurate.

The H deliberately crafted a manipulative lie to get women to fall for him,. I can see why OP is upset. I've been in this situation, and it really changes your perception of the person.

He wasn't just contacting lots of women and saying ' hey lets meet up' He lied about his feelings and reason for meeting up.

its a really horrible way to treat women and it shows a certain level of contempt for us. That we are people who he is entitled to manipulate so he can get what us into the function he wants us to play in his life.

I'm really sorry OP. I don't know what I would do in your shoes.

Attelina · 04/10/2024 16:21

Man wants a partner. He casts his net and makes a catch.

The catch was a good one and they've been happily married for ten years.

What's wrong with that?