Would you leave dh over this?

[pringlesandcheese]

I've been married for 10 years and have 3 children together.
Dh fished out an old iPad from back when I first met him that he said I could use to read on while I was unwell as my phone is too small, he booted it up for the first time since right after we met.
I noticed on it were hundreds of messages to woman on his old fb friends list all basically saying the same thing that he'd liked them for ages and asking them out.
Unfortunately I was one of these woman and had taken the bate where nobody else had so instead of him genuinely being interested in me, he's just asked out hundreds of people all at once and I was the mug that accepted and now we're married.
He was desperate for a girlfriend and anyone would do and I just happened to fall in his net.
We have a happy marriage but It all feels so meaningless now.

He could have genuinely fancied all of them for a long time - one date is asking total commitment.

You obviously don't trust him if you read the messages?

No, he didn't make sure OP saw them.

Making sure she saw them would involve remembering that the messages were there, deciding not to delete them and giving the iPad to OP knowing she would look at the messages or in some way drawing attention to them. If, as it seems, he didn't remember that these messages were there, this cannot be classed as making sure OP saw them.

Yes. Facebook do not delete inactive accounts. Old messages are immediately visible.

I can see why that’s really hurtful and causes you to rewrite the narrative you hold in your head of how you first got together and fell in love.

He was single and looking for a girlfriend and used a cheesey/somewhay disingenuous strategy to try and real one in. You took the bait, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and doesn’t want to be with you. Presumably after the first date you got it know each other better, fell
in love and built a life together.

Not terribly likely though, is it? And even if it were, he was deliberately trying to make each believe that he had unique feelings of attraction just for her. Whatever way you try to reframe it, it’s a deliberate deceit.

OP I know it must have hurt reading those messages but I’d like to give your DH the benefit of the doubt.

My DP is not my type on paper, when we got together I thought we’d have a fun fling over the summer and then go on our way. The more time I spent with him the more I realised he was exactly what I wanted. Pleased to say we’ve been happily muddling through life together for years now and despite what I thought at the start I absolutely wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. I’d like to think the same might have happened for your DH too xx

I find it hard to believe you would message hundreds of women, get one reply, keep all the other messages then totally forget about it and never use that iPad for 10 years. It seems hugely unlikely.

Not sure he'd still be logged in though would he?

No. He messaged Facebook friends. Even if the op was exaggerating about 'hundreds', these women weren't on a dating app. They were on Facebook and not expecting to get a slightly creepy message from someone they knew? Didn't know? Unless you are assuming all women on Facebook welcome a hook up?

@Thegreenhandbag you are being completely OTT

I don't think he was being manipulative - it is possible to fancy more than 1 person, particularly in your 20s and particularly when you're single trying to find a long term partner. That was who he was over 10 years ago. He hasn't cheated on her or been abusive.

Since then OP and DH have gone on dates, become serious, got married & had 3 DC together - sounds like they are both happy & committed. He is not controlling her or manipulating her to have a 'function' in his life. They have grown together.

@pringlesandcheese I know exactly what to do - stay together

So much hyperbole on this thread...

He was only in his 20s and hadn't had a girlfriend before - he was casting his net wide and it was 10 years ago. Some people are acting as if he is a dishonest manipulator - I just see an immature and inexperienced young man.

He wasn't making a declaration in a court of law and turns out they are a brilliant match - OP has confirmed he's a good husband who treats her well and they have a good marriage, apparently no points for that according to some of you?

OP he is clearly crazy about you and at the end of the day that is what matters.

Glad you’ve seen sense. Maybe see the funny side and cherish him a bit more. You were the lucky girl who responded. All the others missed out.

My husband dated someone about a week before me, he was into someone else before dating me too, I'm entirely unbothered, as he chose me! It doesn't matter if you're the only one who replied, clearly it was meant to be cos YOU did

I think my feelings might be a little bit hurt. But I would not tear apart my children's family over this.

You were the lucky girl who responded. All the others missed out

This wouldn't make me feel better.

Why? I have an old phone that I haven't got around to recycling. I have no idea what is on it. There may well be texts I've forgotten about.

There’s plenty of couples out there who are in relationships knowing full well that one or both parties are only in the relationship because they were desperate, I know of a few, and they end up either fed up of each other, or just rub along, rarely genuinely happy as you say you are, although this might just be my experience.

Personally I couldn’t handle knowing someone was only with me out of desperation so you’re not unreasonable, but perhaps you weren’t the only one he dated? And if you’ve been together 10 years and are very happy then as pp said, there must be genuine love there. A lot of couples don’t last that long still being happy!

I’d probably speak to him about it. Unless you’re the only person he has ever dated, then he chose you, so take comfort in that.

Did you have an old Facebook profile that you deleted from your current phone?

You'll need to talk about it because this is just going to fester until you do.

"Worse than online dating". I'm sorry. Is there a problem with online dating?

Op, did your h have hundreds of female FB friends? You say he sent hundreds of messages. Are you exaggerating?

No.

What the OP has described is nothing like online dating.

I would be upset too but I wouldn’t leave over it. It was a long time ago and the fact that he so freely handed it over means he’d probably not given it a second thought. You’re happily married now, what’s more important - the means or the end?

It's not ideal. You've no idea who you are talking too.