Would you ever get over hearing someone call you a name?

[Gripeseed]

Sister in law was once on the bluetooth speaker in my brother’s car. She didn’t realise I was in the car when my brother picked up her call. Out of nowhere she randomly refers to me using a swear word. I was absolutely shocked! My brother hung up immediately and tried to style it - “oh she’s misheard what I said”.

But to be honest I have never felt the same towards her after that incident. We had always been perfectly nice to each other when we met up. I am polite to a fault and she has good manners also (in public). In fact I had always gone out of my way to be nice - e.g. home cooked meals when I was heavily pregnant, dropping off baked goods when I made too much etc.

After I heard this a couple of years ago I kind of just detached emotionally. Still perfectly civil.

Am I being harsh? Would you have got over it?

I never got an apology and we never addressed it.

It's a misplaced joke, not quite the same as overhearing someone call you a cunt

Never heard of a TWaT category in the workplace - is it a HR term?
What are the 2 workplaces you’ve heard it used in?
Worked mainly in offices and Education and have never heard of part time staff referred to like this!

If I didn’t find it funny, then I didn’t find it funny but I’m not in the habit of calling relatives names.

Where do you live? Bc it can't be the UK.

I didn’t say it was the same as the OPs situation.
Just an example of an unprovoked name call by a SIL.
Still don’t think it’s funny 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm not even in the workplace any more, but I hear it often. I live in outer commuterland, and it's used by everyone from my friend's husband who's a train driver on the line into London, and locals, when talking about parking space in our town. It's well known that the best time to park near our local station is on Monday or Friday because the TWaTs are at home.

I've never used that word myself as I'm not very sweary. But it's almost certain that that was the context in which your SIL used it. It's highly unlikely to have been personal.

Well, I stand by my opinion that it’s a horrible term to use about people and that even if it’s commonly said ( although nowhere I’ve ever worked) I thought she was out of order. So there!

"I thought she was out of order. So there!"

Oh god 🤣 so childish, she was bound to slip up eventually if that's what you're like.

It's just a joke, lighten up a bit

Brilliant 🤣

I’m not sure she’d love you either way. Unclench a little

I hope you will find that the memory fades eventually, OP, but I don't see how you can feel trusting or affectionate towards somebody who spoke about you like this, especially to your own husband. It is quite shocking. But more to do with her than you, no doubt.

What a load of people who work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday there are on this thread 😂😂😂😂

i used to be in the army - it wasn't in daily use there.

Hi OP. I think maybe because at the time you brushed over it that hasn't helped although SIL should have brought it up anyway. It might be worth just saying that you've remembered it recently, it's been on your mind and rather than leaving it as the elephant in the room you want to clear the air. Maybe say to your brother first and then next time you see SIL just say something along the lines of you remembered it, it's sort of bothered you on and off and you want to clear the air, you're assuming she never really meant anything by it because you've always got along well. She'll probably be horrified and say it was just a silly passing comment with no meaning and didn't mean to hurt you. Then you can put it behind you for good and move on to hopefully enjoy a nice SIL relationship having stood up for yourself .

TWaT is obviously not an HR term, it's just a stupid joke about working Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. If you have Monday and Tuesday off it's WTF.

As far as using cunt goes I think it depends how offensive you find it, there's definitely regional variations. I don't find it as offensive as some people on here clearly do. I can understand it would be upsetting to hear if you thought were close but if you always thought there was a distance you can't be that surprised that she doesn't like you.

Just to add I think that word is disgusting and she was out of order but I am aware some people use these words generally as a habit.

So terrible obviously she's approached you and apologised eh 🙄

Yes this - I would hazard a guess she is jealous of you and your brother’s relationship. She’s probably created a narrative around you and then she is projecting her feelings (of jealousy/resentment whatever it is) onto you, hence such a strong word! This is really not about you.
BUT… why do you have to be so nice? You’re clearly (and rightly so) pissed off with her and your brother about it. I think if I were you I’d:

• find a time alone with my brother (maybe out for a drink sometime, if she allows this!) and talk to him about it; tell him it really upset me that she said it and he didn’t challenge it; ask where it came from… just see how he responds, it might be interesting
• not be so bloody nice to her! Let some of your anger out a little bit. This is possibly not the most mature way to respond, but I think I’d respond in kind- not make the effort; be cool with her, a bit like how your sister is
• probably not talk to her; from how you’ve described her, I don’t think it would lead to resolution
• decide for myself what I think about me. Not take in how I am described by someone I don’t even particularly like

the above might help you to let it go a bit, I hope so

Don't think there's any going back from that. Absolutely not an overreaction on your part. You don't owe her any more than basic civility at the most, of course you're not going to feel like being cosy with her any more. She sounds like a very peculiar person.

Was she saying it in a ironic/jokey way as in you're so lovely and kind she called you that as it's the last thing you are!??

It's such a horrible word though, it would really upset me and make me take a step back.

Sorry you heard that buy at least you saw her true colours.

Hoping its what I said at the start! 💕🤞😁

Its the SIL that is to blame, no excise for calling the OP that ❌

I had a situation several years ago where my SIL (DH’s sister) wrote an absolutely vile email about me. She had taken exception to an opinion I had expressed, clumsily, and nothing like what you’ve experienced and went full character assassination on me. We had previously been close. A huge family rift ensued lasting some months.

I did later apologise for my part in things (which really was a throwaway comment) and she accepted it but has never come close to apologising for the awful things she wrote about me. I’ve always found that hard to get past and it’s affected our relationship. I reckon the lack of resolution is your issue.

I’d probably wonder what my dear brother was calling me behind closed doors to lead to that…

I think she's one of those people who presents a front to the world but is very, very different indoors. There's an expression, "street angel, house devil" that's usually used about men who are abusive at home, that seems apt here.

How happy does your brother appear to be with her? I can't imagine he has an easy married life. She said that to him in a casual way about his own sister who hadn't done anything wrong. God knows how she talks to him when she thinks he has done something wrong.

Although I'm really sorry you heard it, on the other hand it's good that you did. I'd hate to think of you being friendly to her while she talks about you like that behind your back.

It's really shocking that she didn't apologise. I can't imagine there wasn't a discussion about that at home - the fact she hasn't really tells you a lot about her and their marriage.

Such disgusting language is not something that anyone I know has ever used. I think a lot of people live their lives with out using it.
She sounds particularly rough behind closed doors.
You clearly previously only saw her front.

That your brother and his wife are comfortable referring to you in such a manner says so much about them.

I wouldn't want to spend time with them and I certainly wouldn't want them in my home.
That you have managed a civil relationship is a credit to you, but is possibly down to your people pleasing tendencies.

It really is the most vulgar of language and that she uses it so casually tells me you have no idea who she is.

It would change utterly my opinion of my brother too.

It just hit me that maybe I’m the odd one for having totally written off an important relationship because of one (small?) incident.

It’s not a small thing. I pretty much swear like a sailor, but even I put the brakes on for ‘cunt’, which tends to get rolled out very sparingly and only ever in relation to someone I think wholly deserves the worst kind of vitriol.

If your polite, quiet SIL thinks nothing of throwing that one out apropos of not very much at all, and your brother didn’t immediately kick off in your defence, I’d be questioning how they speak about you in private.

It’s horrible, OP, and I’m sorry you heard it at all, but your reaction and distancing of that relationship is perfectly understandable. It’s not something anyone would easily forgive and forget.