Would you ever get over hearing someone call you a name?

[Gripeseed]

Sister in law was once on the bluetooth speaker in my brother’s car. She didn’t realise I was in the car when my brother picked up her call. Out of nowhere she randomly refers to me using a swear word. I was absolutely shocked! My brother hung up immediately and tried to style it - “oh she’s misheard what I said”.

But to be honest I have never felt the same towards her after that incident. We had always been perfectly nice to each other when we met up. I am polite to a fault and she has good manners also (in public). In fact I had always gone out of my way to be nice - e.g. home cooked meals when I was heavily pregnant, dropping off baked goods when I made too much etc.

After I heard this a couple of years ago I kind of just detached emotionally. Still perfectly civil.

Am I being harsh? Would you have got over it?

I never got an apology and we never addressed it.

OP ....OUCH! Nasty! I would def de very upset, very. My way would be to confront it, it wont be resolved otherwise.

I wouldn't care if someone apologised, as it would be irrelevant as I would never forget it anyway. I might say 'oh, not X again' if you called and I was tired, but the word 'cunt' wouldn't be in my vocab. I don't call anyone a cunt behind their backs and I don't expect people to do so about me. Wouldn't bother repairing that bridge.

Your SIL is a two faced bitch. There is nothing more I hate than someone with more faces than Big Ben. She openly refers to you as a c*nt and your DB does nothing to stop the massive disrespect.

I too barely speak to my SIL over comments. I used to be a people pleaser and I didn’t say anything at the time, except to my PIL. From then on I was polite, but that was it. Now that I’m older I wish I’d gone nuclear, but I didn’t. However, as my DC have got older I now no longer feel the need to play happy families so I don’t bother with her. I very rarely see her.

What happened was I was at a family gathering and in the toilet and 2 of her friends came in and one said “which one is xxxx’s SIL (me). Xxxx said she’s got MH issues and is whacked up on meds”.

They were talking about me. I’d been having tests for a very serious illness, which would’ve seen my life expectancy drop drastically. I was a young woman, just married, and I was distressed. The GP gave me something to calm my nerves. It all turned out ok.

I mentioned it to PIL and was gaslit over it.

I’ve never forgiven this comment, and I never will. In fact, to this day I think my SIL slags me off to anyone who’ll listen.

She has the audacity to say to my DH that she doesn’t know what my problem is, why I don’t like her. This is just one incident of many of her crap behaviour over the years. One day I may tell her what I think of her, but TBH I’m happy with the way things are. I don’t want to know her. I probably see her once a year. I treat her with the indifference she did with me.

I dunno. At this point you should make peace with the situation. Does it actually cause you any negative emotions by distancing yourself and remaining polite when you see them?

Either you’re happy with your decision to “leave it” at the time, and don’t want to discuss it again. Or you’re not, and maybe you do want to discuss it with them, if you want to be close to them again.

personally I think she and your brother sound horrible, your brother should have defended you and his reaction at the time was telling. He probably used to bitch about you to her. Hence why she’s got that opinion of you and is comfortable calling you a cunt to him. So you’re probably in a better position keeping your distance from them both.

I too think the word is awful. I’ve used it a couple of times but it’s reserved for the absolute worst behaviour and awful person.

you must have walked on her toes or her mother's toes for whatever reason

If that is the context in which she it said then no, I'd never get over that unless she was apologetic and explained why she said said it.

That is vile.

Well, the overheard comment was a window into who she is and what she thinks of you, wasn't it? It's not about 'getting over it' but realising she's a person you should be wary of. You're now distant for a very good reason. Keep it up.

This really made me laugh. At least it's honest, and I think I'd rather be addressed as 'cunt' than 'MrsHisname'. But I digress.

OP, given the context you describe this obviously wasn't a momentary slip but is habitual. It shows what she really thinks of you. In which case, you've handled it fine. No scenes or histrionics, merely a stepping back whilst still remaining civil for understandable reasons of self-preservation. You know why you've distanced yourself and so does she. Unfortunately this is one of those scales falling from the eyes moments in which, once you've seen a situation for what it really is, you can't unsee it again.

It's my brother I'd be distressed about. I think I'd have to ask him, quietly and calmly when we were on our own, whether he agrees with her opinion of me.

Given that your own brother must talk about you in these terms, I'd never talk to him again either.
I am a sweary fucker and even I dont use cunt very often. It's a special occasion swear word.

Like a pp, call me a silly cow, sure, evil bint, yup, arsehole, cannot deny that, bitch even, well yeah some days I am.
But cunt, that's over the line.
And if I thought my own family called me cunt regularly I'd disown them. Well I would ask about it first then if no sensible answer, then disown them.

I dunno. You get enough others on here moa ing about racist comments affecting them for years

"Maybe your DH should do the decent thing and distance himself from his brother. Acting like he’s close to someone but saying insulting names behind their back is complete arsehole behaviour."

Where did I say that he hasn't distanced himself? We haven't "acted close" either and have spoken to the pair of them every time about their attitude and behaviour. I don't say much any more because it goes in one ear and out of the other with his brother.

The problem with fully distancing would be that he'd then be alone and at the mercy of his horror of an abusive scumbag husband. We can't do that to him and hopefully one day he'll leave. But yes, I will say was that knobhead on the phone? etc because he is one.

The names for his DH are a bit stronger I'll admit.

Conversation between me and SIL (no previous issues and totally unprovoked)

SIL - what days do you work now?
AL - Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
SIL - Hang on, Tuesdays Wednesday and Thursday?
AL - Yes?
SIL - Well, you know what that makes you then!
AL- What?
SIL - Tuesday , Wednesday and Thursday - T, W, A, T - you’re a TWAT (laughing hysterically)
AL - 🤷🏻‍♀️🙃🤷🏻‍♀️.

Things have been somewhat cool since ……

YANBU.

Maybe instead of being polite you just ignore her

Maybe not be around her ever again

I must admit I have cut off people for less, including family.

Still turning up when she is going to be somewhere and being distant and polite is just letting her off the hook.

Until your brother experiences the consequences then as far as he is concerned everything is ok

"Conversation between me and SIL (no previous issues and totally unprovoked)

SIL - what days do you work now?
AL - Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
SIL - Hang on, Tuesdays Wednesday and Thursday?
AL - Yes?
SIL - Well, you know what that makes you then!
AL- What?
SIL - Tuesday , Wednesday and Thursday - T, W, A, T - you’re a TWAT (laughing hysterically)
AL - 🤷🏻‍♀️🙃🤷🏻‍♀️.

Things have been somewhat cool since ……

YANBU."

Eh? That's just a joke. People who only work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday in certain workplaces are known as TWaTs

You never know what's going on inside the head of someone who is quiet. There can be a dark and nasty mind hiding behind good manners. I found this out with my ExSIL, nasty piece of work with a good mannered veneer. I remember the first time I met her my parents asked what I thought of her and I said I had no idea who she was, all I knew is that she had good manners.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them" .
She hates you or, best case scenario, massively resents you. You did the right thing. Take a big step back and keep things purely civil.

Would you feel foolish mentioning it and causing a fuss after all these years? If so, then you should probably just get over it. If not, mention it, cause a bit of a fuss, and then move on.

Personally I would have probably mentioned it to her very soon after the event, but then got over it. Maybe would have jokingly used the same word about her just the once.

I didn’t find it funny.

And I’ve never heard of that in a workplace and have been working for over 30 years.

"I didn’t find it funny.

And I’ve never heard of that in a workplace and have been working for over 30 years."

She wasn't calling you a twat as in "God, you're such a twat". She was saying "haha, that working pattern puts you in the TWaT category". Funny or not it was a joke.

I've been working more than 30 years and have heard it in 2 workplaces. Not sure how long you've worked is relevant but why you'd go frosty with her over that I've no idea 🤷🏽‍♀️

Not true! I've never called anyone a swearword since I was 16. I can say that I find someone dislikeable/cold/a bore whatever but I wouldn't use swearwords about people, especially not family or extended family. And noone in my family would either.

Not funny but I wouldn't mind really. It was meant to be funny and said directly to you and if you have a good relationship otherwise I would not think more about it.

Yep, this.

Maybe ask your brother why she feels so hostile towards you
Not suggesting you need to do anything about it but I would want to know just simply for closure

You seem to be saying that SIL having what she thought was a private conversation with her DH where she refers to his sister as a cunt in quite a horrible way is more acceptable than OP posting on an anonymous forum.

To be honest, I would find it quite hard to be polite to SIL after hearing that.