Would you ever get over hearing someone call you a name?

[Gripeseed]

Sister in law was once on the bluetooth speaker in my brother’s car. She didn’t realise I was in the car when my brother picked up her call. Out of nowhere she randomly refers to me using a swear word. I was absolutely shocked! My brother hung up immediately and tried to style it - “oh she’s misheard what I said”.

But to be honest I have never felt the same towards her after that incident. We had always been perfectly nice to each other when we met up. I am polite to a fault and she has good manners also (in public). In fact I had always gone out of my way to be nice - e.g. home cooked meals when I was heavily pregnant, dropping off baked goods when I made too much etc.

After I heard this a couple of years ago I kind of just detached emotionally. Still perfectly civil.

Am I being harsh? Would you have got over it?

I never got an apology and we never addressed it.

It’s horrible to hear yourself be spoken about like that, and completely understandable that you’d be guarded ever since. But have you considered that it was more of a dig at your brother than at you? Like maybe she didn’t want him going out at that time or they had plans or something. I’ve found that when I’m peed off with DH I am much harsher about his family. And I’ve definitely dropped the c bomb about his mother.
I’d just raise it with her For your own sanity if it actually still bothers you. I hate things stewing like that.

I wouldn't think her brother speaks about her like that, rather that her so-called timid SIL is a woman who feels free to be disrespectful about his family and her brother either isn't strong enough to stand up to her or doesn't dare stand up to her because she holds something - the threat of not seeing children? - over his head if he doesn't.

....but that's a joke?

That's really different to overhearing someone calling you a cunt.

If you've been "cool" towards your SIL for that I'd say you've massively overreacted over a silly joke.

Why did she feel comfortable to call you that in front of your husband?

What was your bro supposed to be doing that day (e.g. spending time with Sil or kids?) What was the job he was taking you to b&q to help with. Maybe some context would be useful.

@JaninaDuszejko

"You are now criticing her on a public forum, how would you feel if she read this and recognised the story? "

I can't imagine OP would care. Why should she?

You think if the SIL read this she's going to burst into tears?

And the OP should care?

The SIL said a vile thing. OP has been quite factual about it. Why are you trying to imply OP should feel some kind of guilt about talking about it?

Basically: if you don't want people to know you call your SIL a cunt behind her back, don't call your SIL a cunt behind her back.

Not really.

Horrible for you to hear that word used about you OP, it’s the one word I could not forgive. I know many would say it’s only a word, but it’s not, it’s the lowest of the low and an absolute insult.
I can never understand how often it’s used on here, it’s vile and says a lot about the user.

She didn’t. She said it to her husband, the OP’s brother.

She sounds like she's got many issues and she and your brother don't have a very nice relationship. Even if you were the worst person, to speak like that about you to each other so casually suggests they're immature and not very happy people. It seems like however your brother feels about you, she's encouraging him to dislike you for some reason.

Do you wish you were closer?

Do you think she is quiet as a mouse with your family because she’s never felt comfortable around you? (Not blaming you)

Have you seen her around her own friends and parents etc

@CantBelieveNaive I totally agree with you but was wondering if perhaps this approach might help to find out what has caused her to say what she did.

Well, in that case your Dad deserved it. What was the sister-in-law's reason?

I agree with this.

there doesn’t appear to be any back story or bad blood between you. You’ve been oblivious until
now, which makes it sounds like she harbours an intense grudge about you for no other reason than you’re in your brother’s life.

sounds like she’s a nasty abusive person who is projecting onto you.

Just for a counterpoint, OP, while I agree about why this shocked you and permanently altered your feelings to her (I'd hate it. Its the vitriol), calling someone a cunt doesn't necessarily mean you despise them utterly. I use it in much the same way I use dick I.e. sometimes a minor expression of frustration about someone, sometimes a more serious verdict on their character. E.g. I might say 'why is so and so being such a cunt about this!'
I would be careful to use it about someone where it might get back to them though because I know it has more impact than other names.

tbf, it is unlikely the OP is the most objective person on that particular question!

True, but the OP is a sister-in-law, and not a parent, who has power over his young child. Whereas a sister-in-law is someone you meet later in life.

YADNBU.

If I heard my SIL or BIL talk about me in that way, I would certainly assume that they definitely didn't like me. But provided we could be superficially polite and pleasant at family gatherings, I wouldn't really care. Your SIL is just someone who happens to be married to your brother - she's not a friend that you've chosen. You don't have to have an emotional bond with her. The only thing that really matters is that she doesn't let her feelings make things difficult and makes the effort to be pleasant when you see one another - which, to be fair to her, it sounds like she is doing. The fact you overheard her in an unguarded moment is unfortunate, but she's clearly making an effort not to be an arsehole when she actually sees you, which is the main thing in my opinion.

You meant brother (as another poster has mentioned), but yes, that's an issue in itself. Clearly this was not the first time she has said things like this. You wonder what he has said to her also to make her so comfortable to say something like that to him.

OP I'm amazed you let this slide in not properly addressing it.

Huh? If you meet someone “later on in life” does that mean you can’t think they’re a… swallow…. c.t?

Ouch. Not read the thread but maybe she's not what she seems. Could be like this a lot and put on a show in front of others ? Rather than it being anything personal about you

How does your mind work? I was replying to a poster who used the word 'cunt' to describe her her father, who had abused her as she was growing up. The OP has not abused her sister-in-law.

Not that we know of 😆
but OP hardly likely to reveal that here is she?!

How are you not angry with your brother for 'allowing' his wife to call you names? He's not 'putting up' with it, he is actively allowing it by not asking her to stop being disrespectful.

There would be no question of forgiving the SIL and I wouldn't give it too much thought. But I'd be having a hard time forgiving my brother if he allowed disrespect for me.