Would you ever get over hearing someone call you a name?

[Gripeseed]

Sister in law was once on the bluetooth speaker in my brother’s car. She didn’t realise I was in the car when my brother picked up her call. Out of nowhere she randomly refers to me using a swear word. I was absolutely shocked! My brother hung up immediately and tried to style it - “oh she’s misheard what I said”.

But to be honest I have never felt the same towards her after that incident. We had always been perfectly nice to each other when we met up. I am polite to a fault and she has good manners also (in public). In fact I had always gone out of my way to be nice - e.g. home cooked meals when I was heavily pregnant, dropping off baked goods when I made too much etc.

After I heard this a couple of years ago I kind of just detached emotionally. Still perfectly civil.

Am I being harsh? Would you have got over it?

I never got an apology and we never addressed it.

I think it's not only understandable that you did that, but admirable that you didn't call her out on it.

I think the onus was very much on her to apologise and clear the air.

The fact that she hasn't means that the emotional distance between you is her fault.

My BIL thinks he's close to DH. The truth is that we both think he's a knob, for many valid reasons that he just doesn't notice.

His DH is also a complete arsehole. Grade A dickhead.

We have names for them both which are highly insulting (and we'd be mortified if they heard us using them tbh).

I agree with this. And I also question why posters are blaming the brother. He’s not responsible for someone else’s opinion of you and he probably felt terrible about it. She’s clearly not a nice person to live with

That said, you’re politer than I would be in her company. Difficult though if you still want to spend time with your brother

LOL!😂

Maybe your DH should do the decent thing and distance himself from his brother. Acting like he’s close to someone but saying insulting names behind their back is complete arsehole behaviour.

Well she's just saying it on an anonymous forum to try and explain their relationship.

We don't know whether he SIL hates the baked goods that OP dropped off. Most people do like home made cakes/biscuits etc. You sound quite unusual with your vendetta against 'random unhealthy baked shit'.

You overheard her having what she thought was a private conversation with her DH. You are now criticing her on a public forum, how would you feel if she read this and recognised the story? We ALL say and do things that we wouldn't want to be fully public and life would be better if we were kinder to people when we catch them out for their indiscretions because next time the shoe might be on the other foot.

For all you know (since your brother immediately hung up) it might not have you she was pissed off with but your DB for not letting her know that he'd made a commitment to you and so couldn't do what she needed. This could have been dealt with straight away if instead of hanging up your DB had said 'I'm in the car with Gripeseed' as soon as she'd called you a cunt. She'd have been embarassed, would have apologised and it all would have blown over. TBH if she's always been cool with you even before the incident then she has clearly never gelled with you and therefore it's not that surprising that she finds you annoying. That's not a crime, you don't have to get on with your ILs (lots of people don't, e.g. while I love my MIL, I find my BIL insufferable and I'm sure he doesn't think much of me either). Carry on being polite and don't think about it anymore.

I never get the MN pearl clutching over ‘cunt’, it’s a jolly good swear word. One that we bandy around at work daily.

But, your SIL has let you know by accident that she hates you. I’d continue exactly as you are. Civil but not close.

I’d also drop in the odd veiled mention to it when I could segue it into conversation, ‘I’m such a cunt after all!’ etc.

I would just ask her why she said that ?

I disagree. Cunt is a very nasty word, and whether the OP is discussing it on a public forum after having accidentally overhearing a private conversation is minor. It is true we all talk about each other behind each other's backs, but cunt is a very nasty, nasty word. So what if they don't gel as sisters-in-law. And she was using it about the wife of her brother!. Unbelievable!

I never get the MN pearl clutching over ‘cunt’, it’s a jolly good swear word. One that we bandy around at work daily.

Maybe in your work, but not in mine.

What a wonderful life you've led. I called my Dad a cunt after years of abuse from him.

Shes jealous then. I wouldn't be able to get past this either without an actual explanation.

I've never called anyone that, it's horrible

no but someone who has form for this kind of thing

Unforgivable.

"Why couldn't that cunt do it on her own"

Is slightly different (not saying better!) than

"Why can't your sister do it without you. She's a lazy cunt"

And the time to have addressed it would have been then and there. Even a text of "what have a I done that makes you think I'm a cunt"

Not saying you should forget and/or forgive.

But in the context you've given I'd have wanted to know why cunt was used in that context.

I think though it's gone too far now and quite frankly SIL has to understand her words and actions have consequences .

In this situation it would be my brother I'd speak to. He'll probably try and minimise or deny it, or even pretend he doesn't remember. But he definitely will remember.

It has also reminded of a person I knew like this…she was the gf ( now wife ) of a friend.

our mutual friends picked up on it too. So odd! I wonder how people like that manage to have friends.

is it poor social skills?

I really don't know why you didn't tackle it head on with her straight away. No way would I have allowed thus without standing up for myself.

Has your brother noticed you've pulled back?
has anything been done to make it up to you in other ways? Have they both tried to make more an effort?

By the sounds of it, you've done something to upset her or worse ... your darling brother has been mouthing about you and made you look a right cunt!

Seeing as it's still there in your thoughts after seeing them .. why don't you ask her what you have done to upset her? Clear the air sort of thing? or at least get answers

I don't think you're being unreasonable feeling miffed she called you a cunt, it's not a nice thing to hear. But I think you need to be more mad at your brother. He knows how she feels about you if she says it so easily.

Also where I'm from cunt is used for loads of stuff not just insults.
I've used it when I cant remember someone's name lol

You reacted as I would have but that would completely change how I really felt about someone. Actually, it would alter my opinion on anyone who used that word let alone about me. I’m sorry, OP that is sad and must’ve hurt. What a shame that happened.

I’d have gone NC for that comment.

YANBU.

I wouldn't forget either and it would be a permanent change to the relationship. Civil and polite but that's it. And I probably would have asked my brother if he were OK with it, just to make him squirm. It would change my feelings about him, too.