To think adults don’t throw parties anymore?

[Lemonadeand]

A lot of our friends are turning 40 this year, or had their fortieth birthday in the last couple of years. Some of them, including very sociable/outgoing people, when I asked if they were going to have a party just laughed and ended up having very small dinner parties if anything.

I remember for my parents’ 40th birthdays back in the ‘90s they threw massive house parties. Similarly many of their friends. And for big anniversaries there were big, more formal parties such as a whole pub rented out etc.

Then on Mumsnet, posters are often very dismissive of adult birthdays. Someone posted about their planned anniversary party and most responses were telling them not to bother, it’s too much expense and hassle, just have a nice holiday instead.

So have parties for adults just gone out of fashion? Is it cost of living/ smaller houses?

YABU: Parties for adult birthdays were never a thing/ they are still a thing.

YANBU: There are fewer big parties for adults than there used to be.

This!

I have loads of good friends but people are so flakey nowadays. I could guarantee seven cancellations and ten no shows. It puts me off bothering

Why's that a problem? I only ever expect to know the host or if I'm an invited plus one, the person I go with. That seems totally normal to me to not know other people.

If I could afford to go, I'd love it!

I'm only used to parties where I at least know a few people, so I'm sure of having someone to talk to. I guess a few drinks in I'll talk to anyone

I'm going to be 40 with a 1 year old a toddler and another small human.

...my 60th will be epic though 😂

I miss house parties. When I was wee they happened fairly frequently throughout the year, both friends and family parties. It felt so exciting and glamorous even though I know now that a lot.of it was mostly hairspray, Phileas Fogg mini garlic bread crisps and a hefty amount of cinzano and cans of tennants.

After we had our first DC, I tried a few times to throw parties pre-christmas parties and despite having a lot.of notice, most people didn't turn up. We had a good christening bash but otherwise people seem now to prioritise going to events (eg Christmas villages and enchanted woodland light shows) over going to a friend or a neighbour to get boozed up.

I miss it. We need to finish redecorating the house and then I'll try again for a party.

We did have a really good hogmanay house party at a friend's last year though, so hope is not entirely lost...

I think drinking has fallen out of fashion and being drunk in charge of DC even more so. People are less keen to leave a local 12yo in charge of the DC. I am 48 and am quietly horrified by my parents' generation's drinking habits both now and then.

Everyone wants a kingsize bed and an en suite these days, don't they? I went to a party held in a huge rental house this summer. There were four en-suite rooms and two rooms on the top floor that shared a bathroom on that floor, and another bathroom downstairs. It was a lucky dip for who got which room and the people who had perfectly nice rooms but had to cross the landing or go down the stairs for the bathroom did nothing but whinge all weekend. Gone are the says of going to a party, having a few drinks, talking and dancing till the small hours and then kipping on a sofa.

YA so NBU!
But reading MN threads I can see that so many people are just incredibly uptight and anti social!
It’s so sad. And it’s not about smaller houses. My family and family friends always had parties in bog standard council houses - at Xmas etc.
I am going to have a big Xmas party this year I think. I’ve had a shit year and I want to celebrate and do something sociable and fun. Bring back the party!

We used to have a big Halloween party each year, but knocked that on the head a couple of years ago. We had a few objections and sounds of disappointment, but were then surprised to see a few of these people then held their own Halloween gatherings, but ‘forgot’ to invite us! We now have a couple of days away in October that costs the same as the party, without days of decorating and clearing up afterwards.

@Pluvia I know ! Even at 62 I could fancy an old school party if anyone had them

This is making me want to throw a party now. Not at my house, it's too small and I couldn't cope with the mess. But maybe hire a hall and disco with a buffet? Just need an excuse for it.

Having one v soon for landmark birthday ! Nervous but also excited! Good old fashioned house party arrive chat drink and dance!

Having recently turned 40 and knowing lots of people who have also done so this year my perception has been that it is the ones who a) don't have kids or b) have family nearby to care for kids who have had parties. Also a lot more of people having a holiday for their 'big birthday' over a party (this was what I did).

We don't live near family and I can't imagine them all travelling from three or four hours away for a birthday party, particularly those with young DCs. Cost is a barrier. DH and I have jobs that aren't based locally so no network of local colleagues. Things are definitely much more fragmented. And also more tame? I went to a friend's 40th birthday meal a couple of years back. All similar aged mums. It was very much a case of 'one course, one drink and heading off by 9pm to relieve the babysitter/because Grandma had called and said that one of the DCs wasn't settling' etc.

As others have said I think it's a whole gamut of factors- lack of local friends and family in some cases- lack of space, money, people being flakey and only a handful turn up and you've catered for 30 , lack of close people to babysit , not wanting people crashing at your house if you have kids- the world has kind of changed

To be fair a lot of the no shows were people that would have had to travel. That said I think sometimes you can adjust your expectations for people that live further away and still be disappointed at their lack of effort.

I had a big party for my 30th and 40th but hardly anyone does it

Sad really

Can’t be arsed basically. Can’t stand hosting. It’s the pre house clean, then it’s sorting food, drinks, what to wear, letting everyone know, trying to get anyone to have your kids because grandparents mostly won’t… afterwards your house is a shithole and you have to clean again, iron clothes and sort out pack ups for work and school the next day with a football or rugby match thrown in for added excitement. We go on family days out or weekends away. On our own agenda knowing that none of us could bail at the last minute either. Too busy and tired for all that. I’m at that age (44) where getting an invite to one makes me nervous. Haven’t got time for any of the hassle that goes with and we struggle like heck to get someone to have our kids for an hour let alone overnight. I’m glad I got it all out of my system before I got married and had kids. Had a banging twenties.

I think it's maybe something to do with 40ths per se - kids maybe still quite young,lots of guests needing to organise babysitters etc. I did trip to Rome for my 40th but boy did I make up for it for my 50th - party,DJ , the works. We noticed in our friends too a lot more 50th parties than there were 40ths. Looking forward (but not too fast...) to the next "zero" as it'll probably be the last where one can still get away with a DJ! And anyway if you want one,lead by example, throw a really good one,and you may well inspire a few more!

The most recent party I went to was a kid friendly one but it was still a great catch up with people and a good time.

I used to love hosting parties and going to parties. Some indoors, some bbq in garden. All stopped during covid and now no one seems to do them anymore. I have hosted some and been invited to none. I've given up for the time being.

I think it's a cultural thing also. Our Nigerian family regularly have huge adult (and kids) parties. Cultures that focus more on families and extended families do more parties imo.

Honestly I think it depends on your social circle (as in the personality and make up of your friends rather than a social class thing!)

my friends are taking 40th birthday parties very seriously. There are bands and caterers and marquees for people with big budgets - and those with smaller budgets are still having fun cocktail parties at home. I’ve been enjoying it immensely!

even outside of milestones it’s pretty common for people to throw dinner parties for 10-12 people. Again don’t need to be 14 courses - some really fun ones have been big grazing boards and ice cream Sundays.

ling live the house party!

I’ve been to a lot of parties over the last ten-twenty years but the serial hosts have big houses and gardens where it’s pretty easy to fit 100-odd people round without much of an issue. I think nowadays with the later Millenials and early gen-Zers, who should be of prime party-going age, the reasons are to do with smaller houses, too much reliance on social media which has now resulted in a form of introversion, and flakiness due to exhaustion from working two jobs with young children.
Things were, still are, a little different for us gen-xers and before: bigger houses thanks to being able to get on the ladder before the boom, maintaining and upholding more traditional ways of socialising in early adulthood away from SM and having the luxury of working pt / being SAHMs while the kids were small with the capacity to hold parties.
There was a thread on this not too recently. I think it’s all really sad and I wish so much that the younger generations had what we’ve had/got.
I also think that COVID did a number on us.

Hi op,

the change is that most women are working now…so who will organise?shop?cook?clean?

Parties still are going on…if you have money to have someone else do all the job!

ahaha 🌺