To think adults don’t throw parties anymore?

[Lemonadeand]

A lot of our friends are turning 40 this year, or had their fortieth birthday in the last couple of years. Some of them, including very sociable/outgoing people, when I asked if they were going to have a party just laughed and ended up having very small dinner parties if anything.

I remember for my parents’ 40th birthdays back in the ‘90s they threw massive house parties. Similarly many of their friends. And for big anniversaries there were big, more formal parties such as a whole pub rented out etc.

Then on Mumsnet, posters are often very dismissive of adult birthdays. Someone posted about their planned anniversary party and most responses were telling them not to bother, it’s too much expense and hassle, just have a nice holiday instead.

So have parties for adults just gone out of fashion? Is it cost of living/ smaller houses?

YABU: Parties for adult birthdays were never a thing/ they are still a thing.

YANBU: There are fewer big parties for adults than there used to be.

I've just been invited to a 60th birthday party

albeit it is the first party I've been invited to in ages

@FloatyBoaty could always be a pot luck/byob type affair. That's what we tend to do. We're generally the hosts, but either we provide 1 type of booze (i.e. mulled wine) and a non alcoholic alternative, and 1 type of food (i.e. cheese) then have a list of what else needs bringing, or do a 'pot luck' which is bring whatever you like.

Still not sure I'd call it a party though, to me parties have loud music and probably a dance floor. I feel like those type of house parties ended in my 20's!

We often have a big party in summer - maybe 40ish plus people. Dad and dh shared a birthday so we'd put up the party tent and have lunch or afternoon tea for dad and his friends then move on to a barbecue later on - older bunch would usually leave about 5ish. It was hard work but some lovely times. Dad died a couple of years ago but the parties still go on. Dd usually invites a few of her friends now and they decamp to the bottom of the garden later on. We stick up a badminton net, dust off the boules. I have a party cupboard with about 60 plates/various glasses/cutlery etc which have been used by family/friends.

We're lucky that we live in the countryside so no-one to upset with noise (neighbours older and younger are all lovely and definitely up for a party) or barbecues and a fairly big garden.

My parents met ballroom dancing in very early 70s both went along with group of other friends - IL said they used to do similar regularly - it was part of how the spent time together. I think it was last gasp of popularity though.

I was going to suggest it was family being more scattered but then thought about DGP 50 and 60 wedding anniversaries and family were scattered but did make long drives and stopped over with other family. My Dad's funeral cousin and siblings who even 5 years before said would have traveled to didn't ill health, age and cost cited - they watched online. Generation before they'd have all been there will help from younger family or been confident in train system.

There are pockets of more socialisation but I think generally societies more isolation.

My grandparents used to go to dances. All the time at least once a week,and then grandad was in the local pub on his way home most nights for a quick pint

community was different

Good point @powershowerforanhour about roasts! you've actually inspired me to make sure we host at least a couple this winter - thank you!

TBH this is the number one reason why I hate Christmas. That constant bombardment of adverts when you turn the TV on which try and convince you EVERYONE IS INVITED TO PARTIES. EVERYONE. YOU SHOULD BE TOO. WHY AREN'T YOU?

Locally to me, people still do throw parties because I hear them...this is in no way a grump, I just do. I think that places to meet in big groups...bars and so on are a comparatively new concept. Certainly not so much of a thing in the 90's and backwards. not to get all political and feminist but i remember organising parties and dinner parties and it was bloody hard work and fell to the women.

My friend had a surprise 40th party about 6 years ago and that was the last I've been to.

I've never thrown a party for anything and can think of nothing worse!

On my road people entertained for various things, adult dinner parties or all day things with kids. We were taken home in sleeping bags. And parties for big birthdays or anniversaries. I guess they all had kids younger back then though and so had young person energy left!

Yes because back then someone who threw a 40th already had a 10/12 year old and life was MUCH easier. Now someone in their 40s has primary or much younger kids and the very last thing they have capacity for is a big bash. It irks me a bit when people compare 'back then' to now as if life and times haven't moved on.

Back then you grew up in tighter communities, lots of hands to help around and everyone was involved or made an effort with each other. Also life is just much more expensive these days to throw a big party.

I also think people have become ridiculously out of hand these day. These events are either themed, dress code, no kids allowed, ridiculous travel locations and so on.

'Back then' it was at home or a hall, everyone invited, no fussy dietary requirements, and a whole lot less faff.

I had a 21st joint with others, a medium sized 30th house party and did have a 40th party in a venue earlier this year. I was terrified (social anxiety/paranoia/pressure) and it was expensive but, on balance, I'm glad I had it. It's a nice memory to look back on.

I actually relied on people flaking though. I invited 50 people to a venue with a 'suggested' max capacity of 38. 42 accepted and 8 flaked on the day/day before so I was fine. If you factor in the inevitable it kind of works, although I get it's a gamble.

I have been to quite a few '0' birthdays. I don't know many people who do much for other birthdays (some do small gatherings) and I don't normally do anything. Agree with the time, money, social media, older parent reasons, definitely. I don't have children and still found it hard to find the time and money to do it.

We had a party for DH's 50th, just a BBQ with friends and neighbours, it was 2021 and things had only just opened up, and fortunately the weather held and it was pretty well attended. I think people find it easier to come to less formal things like that in the day time.

I know when I meet up with friends now (we are all 48/49 and thinking about our 50ths) we don't tend to do late evenings very well now. We meet up and start with (a cheap) lunch, then go for drinks, then dinner, then go home and are in bed for about 10.30pm.

I had a proper 21st party. I definitely did not have a 30th as DD1 was 2 months old- we had GPs to babysit and managed to get out for dinner for a couple of hours which seemed quite a feat in itself. I didn't have a 40th but had lots of different drinks and dinners with different groups of friends and family and with other friends' 40ths we just kind of carried it on all year!

We have big parties at every opportunity! I find them acutely stressful in the run up, but always love party itself once people start arriving. People can be flakey, but the ones we care about always show up - and sometimes unexpected guests do too. The more the merrier!

We don’t entertain a lot nowadays, but thinking about it further, the last time I threw a dinner party for around eight people, we really enjoyed it, but equally it involved so much trudging about in the rain carrying shopping bags from cheese shops and going to the butcher, and then the supermarket after that, and then buying wine, we were surprised how much prices had gone up, and it took ages to shop, cook and clear up, that we thought that next time we would take everyone out to a restaurant and have less stress ourselves and so we did that for dh’s big birthday and it honestly didn’t cost a lot more!

I'm in a big circle of friends in their late 20s to 50s, and it's really rare for a milestone birthday to go by without a massive party. People book out pubs, campsites or music venues, or throw a house party which inevitably goes on all night. I'm off to one soon which has an entire DJ line-up and about 100 people attending. We all love a party.

We have parties. Probably one a year. Usually with the neighbours next door. They are laid back home festivals for friends with bands and camping. Post COVID we became a great holiday destination for our adult children's friends. We are lucky in that we have lots of room and not too many neighbours. According to my son I am the person who taught him how to throw great parties!

I did a dinner party (with private chef) and made a weekend of it (for 10/12) people. Much more my style than a large party. I enjoyed it more, could spend more time with people that are really close to me - so much better than a big party!

DP definitely didn't want a party; not even in the above style - so we just went out to dinner.

The same!

Not RTFT, but we are a big party house. We have one, possibly two parties per year, plus a Christmas drinks thing, often a new year party, and various 'get togethers' through the year. We also have lots of friends that like to host so it's not always us doing the honours.

We've always been like this and had parties for our 30ths, 40ths and now we are approaching 50ths we'll do the same.

Obv Covid put the brakes on much of this, and we also moved house and have been having lots of building work done, so that's limited our ability to host, but we've already got stuff in the diary for when the builders are gone. We just enjoy it! And with our core group, we all chip in with food and drink contributions so that helps.

I think it maybe for us is related to the fact that we finished uni and then have never lived near our families, so our friends are our network. And that's evolved over time so now more of those people are people we know through our kids and live on our doorstep. But still also see longstanding friends and often they are all at our parties? I suppose you gravitate to the people who are like you? We just like socialising!

My mum on the other hand, cannot think of anything worse. Not sure where I get it from! 🤣

I think part of the issue is that it's much less common to have friends and family and even work colleagues all living in same area- so it's not just a 'nip round to Samantha's etc' it's often driving, one person not drinking, overnight stays ( and older adults are less likely to just let a load of people crash overnight) -

DH is a winter baby here but grew up in South Africa. I think he's still sad we couldn't make a big party for his 50th work. Our house is just too small. POSSIBLY in the summer we could have done it, but not in the winter.

Also, definitely that things are more expensive. For my 40th we threw a fairly big bash albeit at a local restaurant as we had 40 people and just couldn't do that at home. But it cost a lot. We just don't have that money anymore. And a lot of people I know are in a similar boat - their costs have gone up significantly but their income hasn't.

One thing though that is interesting, we have friends who used to host an annual summer party every year. Super fun and everyone brought drinks but they'd always lay on food etc and it would go on into the night with dancing. It was always a bit of a "BIG" night, which was expected, so fine. Obvouisly over Covid they didn't do it and then they had a much smaller one as things got bigger. But their first party post Covid they were absolutely horrified. Same general gang (although there were always a few randoms who were brought along by other people which was part of the fun) but the next day their house was TRASHED. DH had stayed over as I had to get back for the kids and he landed up spending 2 hours helping them clean up vomit and who knows what else. They thought maybe it was just a Covid hangover so they risked the party the following year, but tried to keep it a bit more low key. Apparently they got quite a lot of push back when they said no, you can't bring 10 extra people... and even though it was smaller, the house was STILL trashed.

They don't do it anymore. They threw a version of one this year, but it was much smaller, fairly select guest list etc. They told me they just couldn't face how people they thought were their friends could behave so badly.

Yes this is definitely true. I grew up in London and still live here but majority of my friends have moved out now. Everyone also has uni friends scattered round the country so yes, getting together is often a logistical nightmare.

Funnily enough, we just got invited today to go to a big party at the end of the month. A whole weekend at a massive cabin at a ski centre (not staying in the cabin, we booked our own cabin). Only problem is, I do not know a single person who will be there! And I think my bloke only knows the guy whose birthday it is, who invited us. But the lure of a 'proper' big party is making me ignore that minor detail.