To think adults don’t throw parties anymore?

[Lemonadeand]

A lot of our friends are turning 40 this year, or had their fortieth birthday in the last couple of years. Some of them, including very sociable/outgoing people, when I asked if they were going to have a party just laughed and ended up having very small dinner parties if anything.

I remember for my parents’ 40th birthdays back in the ‘90s they threw massive house parties. Similarly many of their friends. And for big anniversaries there were big, more formal parties such as a whole pub rented out etc.

Then on Mumsnet, posters are often very dismissive of adult birthdays. Someone posted about their planned anniversary party and most responses were telling them not to bother, it’s too much expense and hassle, just have a nice holiday instead.

So have parties for adults just gone out of fashion? Is it cost of living/ smaller houses?

YABU: Parties for adult birthdays were never a thing/ they are still a thing.

YANBU: There are fewer big parties for adults than there used to be.

To be honest a lot of DH friends who have turned 40 have been pregnant or recently had babies so not had time/money/energy/childcare to do anything. They did that stuff in their 20s.

That is in stark contrast to my friends who mostly had kids in their teens/20s and are now regularly having house parties/gatherings (to the point it doesn't even feel like a party anymore just another standard gathering at someones house) now that their kids are mid-older teens.

We have had around 6 parties in the last 4 years, usually at Halloween, also one Christmas, and one other. Only one was child-free. Our house is an average sized 3 bed, so not massive, we have around 25-30 including kids attending. They've been great fun and really helped with cementing friendships (we aren't from the area).
The most faff is cleaning the house. We do quite a bit of food and provide quite a few drinks, but most people bring a bottle too. I love parties, my parents NEVER had any, rarely had people round at all, I like having a welcoming house.

This happened to someone DH works with. This is why I wouldn't have one. We live in a different culture now.

My parents used to always have big house parties for their birthdays, but they are both born in the summer so (used to!) be guaranteed good weather to spill into the garden etc.
They were (and still are), not bothered about appearances of their house etc and have a good group of friends/family who would always muck in with catering, clearing up, setting up etc so it was always fun.
I think things have changed though, they last did a party for my mum when she was 50 & it was significantly more expensive than the joint one they did for their 40th. (My dad went on a rugby tour for his 50th). For their 60th we did a big dream family holiday, heavily subsidised by my sister & I as their present.
Parties are just so much more expensive now & even though the group of friends and family are still really committed and wouldn't be a risk of flaking; I think the logistics of organising just aren't as easy anymore, so relaxing and enjoying a special holiday is preferable. Also, people used to just camp in the garden, sleep on sofas, blow ups on the floor etc, but everyone is getting older now so actual beds are needed/wanted so the cost to attend becomes more as well.
I personally am quite socially anxious so big parties stress me out, even when its people I know and love. My house is significantly smaller than what my parents were able to afford so its not comfortable for hosting. I feel more need to make my house presentable and stress in the run up. So its not fun for me. Though I do remember loving the atmosphere, music, dancing etc

The only adult birthday party I’ve ever attended was to my sister’s 50th some years ago. It was family only so less than 12 people.

When I was younger and bought women’s magazines that talked about getting ready for ‘The Party Season’ ie Christmas, I used to wonder who were the people that went to all these glittering parties or hosted parties at Christmas?

DH had a fancy dress 40th birthday last year, we had 110 people! He absolutely loved it, and so did everyone else. I do think a lot of it is time because it wasn’t expensive.

10 house parties since Covid is a lot imo. I’ve not been to that many house parties in about the last 40 years since my friends had their 18ths at home

Yep this is me too

not got the house for big parties anymore.
also don’t have the parking and the glassware or the budget!

We have a mid summer party and a Christmas party every year, but it's only for extended family. Everybody provides something either to eat or to drink and it's a lovely opportunity for us all to catch up with one another. I wouldn't want to host a party for friends, I'd rather continue meeting up with them every few weeks, for a pub lunch and a natter.

Milestone birthdays and wedding anniversaries are always celebrated with a holiday somewhere glorious.

Oh I've always longed for the 'going dancing' era too, with your dance card getting filled up and everyone knowing proper dances rather than just awkwardly jigging about.

I definitely think a large part is down to the disposable income and having children later. But, you can bring it back!

Friends of ours have a Christmas party every year. We have responded by hosting a NYE every year. 4 years on and lots in our circle have parties; there are usually a few in the summer, by people with all different sizes of houses. We all have tweens. I had a big 40th, as did my husband, I went to a big 45th and a big 50th this summer and turned down a big 40something autumn last year. These are all people in the same circle of friends, and we’re all giving each other the idea of big parties (hence the big parties for not big years), basically as we go and realise a) how much fun it is and b) how lots of people will lend a hand. Oh and, we didn’t have a circle of friends to start with; just a couple of sch run friends, but we invited everyone we knew to our NY bash and from there and the other parties, have developed a bit of a circle.

One thing we have found is, parties are incredibly expensive. Our NY bash will be £500 I think, and we don’t do anything special, just booze, some props, food and fireworks. We don’t particularly have that spare, but the kids love it (it was their idea and at their insistence we had the first one!) we buy throughout the year for it, and see it as an investment; from one party we will go to 4 or 5 others (we already have two Christmas party invites), so they get to ours and have a cheap time, and we get to go to theirs and enjoy the cheap time there! It all balances out, but you have to find that lump to start with, which is obviously not possible for everyone.

I have two left feet so would probably have had an empty dance card but I long for the days of soirees and literary salons with writers, artists and muses and sparkling conversation. Now it's all just liking each other's social media updates and conversations through emojis

I was just complaining about this yesterday! We try to throw a couple of smaller parties each year (family-friendly daytime ones, given we and all our friends have toddlers), but lots of our friends won't host more than 1 or 2 families and I miss the parties!

For us I think it's definitely a phase of life thing. Everyone has young children, so getting a babysitter is hard (and expensive!), so typically either the mums meet up for a dinner or the men meet up for a pub trip - that way each family still has one parent at home looking after the kids. Daytime events work well but once you get to 12-ish toddlers it does feel a bit too chaotic, hence people only inviting a couple of other families.

I was hopeful that we'd all become fun again around the 40 mark when our kids are that little bit older...but now some people are having surprise 3rd children, so they're going right back to the start again! Maybe by the time we're 50 everyone will be up for a boogie again!

Thankfully our families are still big on family lunches/BBQs, so we do still get to attend some events.

Its true
And when you do try, no one turns up
I spent a fortune on my 40th birthday party that only a handful of people attended.
I was gutted

Are your kids and your friends kids the same age friends and get on?

I loved it when we had people round for parties with their kids and all the kids kind went off and had a great time together.

but I find now that my dc are older (tweens and teens) it’s awkward for them to be thrown together with kids they don’t know well or even worse kids they were friends with when they were younger at primary but have drifted apart from/fallen out with at secondary.

I think it gets harder as kids get older especially if they are shy.

I think you'll find 50 is the new 40.

Women in the UK are having DC later. At 40 I have a 3 YO and a 5 YO, I was knackered. Organising a big party was the last thing on my mind.

This

I think people are so flakey these days that they just wouldn't turn up if they didn't feel like it.

I think there’s truth in this. I think with the internet and SM people have become a lot lazier. I don’t feel like my friends and family make the effort they used to (including me).

With the digital age we are all content to stay at home scrolling and going out often seems a chore. People can’t be bothered organising big parties to see people they’re not particularly arsed about.

I feel the nation as a whole have become a lot more apathetic.

So true!

Also the last large party I had (for teen dd), the house got pretty trashed despite me trying to cordon off everywhere except the kitchen, garden and downstairs loo so I’m in no hurry to repeat that!

Real mix - 16 to 5. Some with neurodiversity. Some get on, some don’t. Lots of different schools. Some sit on their phones - our kids want them confiscating when they come to our parties!!! We try to ensure our kids have a specific friend invited at ours, at other parties they make do, or chat to the adults. We do a few kid games to warm them up a bit, but also have a movie going in another room for those who need to flake, or need to calm down. Generally they are OK. If I find a kid who looks awkward I will usually give them a job which they enjoy, like sorting some mocktails, finding more crisps. Takes the edge off for them.

Held a really nice one (lunchtime) that combined several birthdays for older family members, and further milestones, and hired the place and the catering. I would think that there may be no further 'big' birthday ages, or if there are, probably not in the swing for a party to mark them, for some of the people on the collection of celebrations, so this was something that pushed me to do it now.
I think those who came enjoyed themselves, but this was mainly family (quite a huge group) and I was a bit sad that very few friends of any celebrators came although I hoped that they would. I did have between 10 and 20 people who accepted but then had to withdraw closer to the time. It's really hard to predict the appropriate budget and space for your plans at the point before you invite anyone.
I also think that costs and travel logistics and possibly accommodation are things that deter people - maybe always true, but not something you can solve for people in many cases.

I agree with other posters - too many flakes. My almost 4yo is adamant he wants a big party this year, I'm DREADING no-one turning up 😬

Also lots of people seem to not eat, smoke or drink. Much healthier, but takes the joy out of a big party. Also lots more social anxiety / people being worried about not being PC. Again, not good or bad overall, but not conducive to having a blow out with lots of people.

Cost of food and alcohol is a lot higher, compared with wages too.

"Also Sunday roasts - neither of our parents have done a Sunday roast for the family post Covid and they used to be a regular thing. We do them but it’s not the same as going to your Mum and Dads!"

That's a good point. My parents or one of the aunties+uncles would have granny around every Sunday, plus sometimes one of the auntie+uncles. So the kitchen and living room were never too far away from reasonably tidy, and they had confidence in their cooking and hosting generally. Then it was less of a step up to having a buffet dinner or New Year's Eve party with all the aunties and uncles and cousins- there were more of them then as bigger familes, plus a couple of adult cousins who lived nearby and a couple of trusty guests from the local badminton club or one or two old workmate friends with their spouses. So there was a solid core of adult couples to invite who would come- the badminton-type or work couples would vary depending on which auntie was hosting, but everyone knew each other a bit from the previous parties and reciprocal parties, and the town was smaller then with a smaller and more fixed population of people in it, so there were only a couple of degrees of separation between most of the invitees, with a sprinkling of "adult cousin's new girlfriend from England" or "the relations staying from America" for interest.

I think it’s just so fucking expensive now, as to make it unfeasible for many.