To be annoyed about proposal before he’s even proposed….

[Fuzzyhead992]

I feel like I already know IABU but hear me out, or at least help me get over it….

myself and DP been together 7 years. Have a couple of cats and a house together, no children. We love each other very much, we’re very rocky through Covid but we both agree we’ve been in a good place since. The reason for that was he’s self employed and is really busy always working from home, so when I was working from home it got a bit much with all the added pressures of the time, and both of our MH was a bit shot.

Overall we have a lovely life together and can afford some luxuries, very fortunate but we both work extremely hard - however he is a much higher earner, but never gets a break. Working til 11pm most nights etc. he tells me often he loves me, and I trust him completely.

We have spoken lots about getting married, he will openly chat about ‘our’ wedding so it’s definitely not one sided. Says he wants to marry me. However by nature he is not a planner, everything gets left to the last minute (a lot of why he’s working so late), he leaves me to plan holidays etc, he rarely even makes a restaurant booking unless it’s to go out with clients, and he always asks me to find somewhere and book it. He gets easily overwhelmed but you’d never really get that if you were just meeting him down the pub. I organise everything, and he’s happy to let me do it and it usually works out fine.

anyway I have a birthday coming up, and we have both spoken in the last 6 months about being engaged by then.

We are away to a very posh hotel in the countryside next week for my birthday, a very indulgent purchase (we both went halfers on it), especially for not a big birthday. However I know how crazy work has been for him recently, he’s had to work at weekends almost every weekend since we came back from holiday in July. We have a joint bank account so I know he’s not bought an engagement ring, he’s been to football and the pub at night a couple times but hasn’t been near a jeweller, and then tonight I was asking him if we should have my birthday dinner in the hotel restaurant or book a highly reviewed restaurant nearby.

He just grunted at me to book whatever I wanted, so I then asked if we’d be going for a walk etc, so I know if I need to replace my walking boots, and he said to plan whatever I wanted, he’s not had the time but happy to do whatever. I know this sounds like a ploy, but I know him, he has nothing planned.

I’m miffed!! Was chatting to a friend about it saying he’s clearly not going to propose even though I was expecting it, from the fancy hotel and our chats prior, she says to wait and he might pull something together at the last minute. But I don’t want the last minute!! For once it would be lovely for him to put some thought in. Scared to approach him about it in case I seem desperate, but I am a bit.

I don’t need fancy jewellery or a big grand gesture, but just something that proves he’s done a bit of planning for once…. Am I being totally unreasonable?

of course if he does propose I will look like a massive twat, and if he doesn’t I’m sure I’ll still have a lovely weekend but will still be a bit disappointed…. Just don’t want to resent him!!!

He won't change. Do you want children with him?

There is so much more to be sorted when kids are involved. It won't feel as cute.

Men like this don't deserve to have wives and children op, they only end up with them because they find a women daft enough to put up with them... do you think it's ok to have a dad that treats you with no thought or care?

Children need present parents, both of them, so if you are ok being this man's life facilitator go ahead but don't inflict him on innocent children please.

And what would make you believe there was someone out there who would feel lucky to be partnered with you for life if that were the case? What would be the benefit to any women of a husband who struggled to remember his own name let alone anything else?

I'm struggling to see the allure.

To add to this OP, it's your birthday, he earns much more than you, but you've had to pay your half of the hotel stay? I don't think he's looking to marry you

People are attracted to all sorts of different people. There are plenty of marriages out there where I cannot for the life of me see the attraction of one of the pair to the other but there you go, they seem as happy as a pig in clover. Plenty of husbands have done great surprise romantic proposals, don't work crazy hours, aren't disorganised but still end up divorced. It's up to OP to think hard about what her future with this man might look like, the proposal itself is a red herring in the grand scheme of things.

My DH proposed on valentines day completely out of the blue. And he is rubbish at organizing! If they want to do it they will pull it out of the bag.
Maybe he has got something planned when the time feels right to him?
It does seem that you are making a big deal out of it being done the way you want it.
I think YABU

Why the need for a big proposal? You already live together and share your lives. Big proposal? Bit of cart before the horse situation.

Often, the men who are in to grand gestures are also abusers when the honeymoon phase is over. This type of man will stage manage the narrative, not the woman.

Great, so now we’re running with the idea that the OP’s boyfriend is a treasure because of his inability to book a restaurant?

You don't have to 'be proposed to', just have a conversation, decide you're getting married and then go buy a ring. We didn't do the prosopal thing.

My DP told me the other day
‘right on getting married yeah you need to choose the ring I’ll do the rest but you need to pick the ring’
I then asked if he’d looked at rings he said he had for 5 minutes but he got overwhelmed. There’s so much to choose from.
I then joked did he want my credit card too.
i agree you may as well get the the ring together cos you’ve both decided you’ll get married, do you need a flash proposal x

My husband did something like this. I’d honestly given up he’d ever propose and even commented on our holiday that he’d never propose when a couple near us at a castle just had… 10 minutes later he was down on one knee with a ring he’d designed (honestly stunning) and I happily ate my words 😂 you never know! But if he doesn’t, a frank conversation maybe so you don’t fester in your anger over this?

@Fuzzyhead992 fair play for not going into the ins and outs. It's not relevant. And well done for talking to him. Shows trust in your relationship too. Have a look at symptoms of ADHD in adults. I'm not saying that's what it is, at all, but I've recently had to do a lot of research on this and your post sounded familiar. Good luck and fingers crossed for a lovely proposal x

I think this is a stupid question. Like saying, “well, does he know you want to feel loved?” “Does he know you want him to have your back?” “Does he know you want him to do household chores?”

Come on. Everyone wants and deserves some effort from their partner.

Might be better rephrased to "does he believe you're worth a bit of effort?"

Any update OP? Hoping you got your proposal.

It’s not just the engagement though. You have every right to want your man to take a few moments a day/ week and think about you and do something nice for you. He’s not that guy. Will you be happy with things this way for life? If you guys want kids, even more will fall in your lap as he can barely tread water as it is when it comes to getting himself organised.

Make sure you tell him you want the ring proposal on one knee because he may not otherwise

I really don’t get this waiting for a proposal thing, all the anxiety wondering when it is going to be, will you like the ring blah blah

If you have decided to get married you are engaged, surely. Why need the fake surprise grand proposal?

I hope you end up happy... I do ...

However there's a lot of things you have said that concern me. I feel like you will always be hoping for things he simply dsnt care to do.

He dsnt seem like he puts effort into things for you. Things you care about. He may not like organising but he should be able to push through to do things for you to make you happy especially on special occasions

It seems very onesided

Absolutely. If you have to wait until he proposes, you are putting yourself in second place in the partnership.