To be annoyed about proposal before he’s even proposed….

[Fuzzyhead992]

I feel like I already know IABU but hear me out, or at least help me get over it….

myself and DP been together 7 years. Have a couple of cats and a house together, no children. We love each other very much, we’re very rocky through Covid but we both agree we’ve been in a good place since. The reason for that was he’s self employed and is really busy always working from home, so when I was working from home it got a bit much with all the added pressures of the time, and both of our MH was a bit shot.

Overall we have a lovely life together and can afford some luxuries, very fortunate but we both work extremely hard - however he is a much higher earner, but never gets a break. Working til 11pm most nights etc. he tells me often he loves me, and I trust him completely.

We have spoken lots about getting married, he will openly chat about ‘our’ wedding so it’s definitely not one sided. Says he wants to marry me. However by nature he is not a planner, everything gets left to the last minute (a lot of why he’s working so late), he leaves me to plan holidays etc, he rarely even makes a restaurant booking unless it’s to go out with clients, and he always asks me to find somewhere and book it. He gets easily overwhelmed but you’d never really get that if you were just meeting him down the pub. I organise everything, and he’s happy to let me do it and it usually works out fine.

anyway I have a birthday coming up, and we have both spoken in the last 6 months about being engaged by then.

We are away to a very posh hotel in the countryside next week for my birthday, a very indulgent purchase (we both went halfers on it), especially for not a big birthday. However I know how crazy work has been for him recently, he’s had to work at weekends almost every weekend since we came back from holiday in July. We have a joint bank account so I know he’s not bought an engagement ring, he’s been to football and the pub at night a couple times but hasn’t been near a jeweller, and then tonight I was asking him if we should have my birthday dinner in the hotel restaurant or book a highly reviewed restaurant nearby.

He just grunted at me to book whatever I wanted, so I then asked if we’d be going for a walk etc, so I know if I need to replace my walking boots, and he said to plan whatever I wanted, he’s not had the time but happy to do whatever. I know this sounds like a ploy, but I know him, he has nothing planned.

I’m miffed!! Was chatting to a friend about it saying he’s clearly not going to propose even though I was expecting it, from the fancy hotel and our chats prior, she says to wait and he might pull something together at the last minute. But I don’t want the last minute!! For once it would be lovely for him to put some thought in. Scared to approach him about it in case I seem desperate, but I am a bit.

I don’t need fancy jewellery or a big grand gesture, but just something that proves he’s done a bit of planning for once…. Am I being totally unreasonable?

of course if he does propose I will look like a massive twat, and if he doesn’t I’m sure I’ll still have a lovely weekend but will still be a bit disappointed…. Just don’t want to resent him!!!

I actually disagree with the messages saying that it is a red flag that you do most of the organising in the household. If one partner is working 9-5 and one is working 9am- 11pm it is fairly obvious which one the bulk of the household organisational labour is going to fall on, and also not inequitable that it should be the person working shorter hours. As long as there is commensurate financial contribution to the household (which there is here as they have a joint account for all expenditure) this is a totally fine and normal way to live.

OP, I think you should talk to your DP and just tell him you would like a bit of an effort for your birthday AND for the proposal.

Well, for a start off, he doesn't need a ring to propose - most couples choose the ring together.
However, proposing at a fancy hotel/ on your birthday would also be something of a cliche.
But you don't sound as if you like him very much, tbh - are you sure you want to marry him?

@Fuzzyhead992 you say he’s loving but in what way does he demonstrate love? I’m not seeing any evidence of it from your OP 🙁

He should be cleaning the bathroom after himself, not paying for a cleaner to do it. Honestly, OP have some standards.

From an outsider’s perspective he can’t be bothered to prioritise you. He has clearly had many years to prepare for a proposal and even had a deadline of your birthday, but he still hasn’t bothered. You are important enough to him. Get out and find someone who wants you and automatically cleans up!

And hiring a cleaner is also not a red flag ffs.

If you want to marry him then ask. But I think your relationship has problrms that go deeper than a proposal or lack off.

We have spoken lots about getting married, he will openly chat about ‘our’ wedding

If you have already talked about getting married, why does he need to ask?

Threads like this are genuinely a real eye opener for me. It sounds mad to me that you’d have discussed marriage multiple times, but not agreed to get married, and therefore be engaged at that point. Instead you have to wait for him to ask you, when you’ve already discussed it?

The more of these threads I read, the more I realise I am the one out of step with most women. It genuinely baffles me though!

He's not a planner, he just can't do it. It's understandable that you'd like him to be one at least occasionally, but realistically he's not going to change. I'd be more concerned with whether his lack of planning abilities will impact your future life together, rather than this one particular instance.

A friend of mine went away on a lovely long weekend with her bf. She was late 30s, very keen to get married. In her mind there were a few perfect moments to propose on the trip and they passed by. She was getting increasingly angry and eventually exploded at her bf on the final morning. He then showed her the ring and said he’d planned to do it later that day as he knew how excited she would be to tell everyone when they got home. They did eventually get engaged a few weeks later but she realised how crazy she had been about the whole proposal.

My DH proposed on the couch on a Monday night while we were watching tv. We’ve been married 20 years and are extremely happy.

However I do echo PP’s warnings. This is going to be your life from now on. Be certain it’s what you want. Your DP is always going to be too busy and important to get involved in the day to day running of your lives and you will have to do everything. That will impact your career too, especially if you have children.

Are you in a relationship that requires no effort from either side?

It must be very hard to have a relationship with someone who works until 11pm every night and hasn't taken time off at the weekend since July (except to go to the football), who doesn't organise anything, clean the lav or have an opinion about how they'd like to spend time on a special weekend away.

It must be very hard to have a relationship with someone who specifies how the housework must be done, tracks where you're spending your money, has set ideas about things that might make organising things for them a problem for fear of picking the wrong thing.

Oh OP.....a long married life is going to founder unless you two talk openly to each other and iron this shit out. Rings, proposals and stuff are all nonsense when it comes to the real issues of children, financial or health problems, bereavement you need to be a team.

I’m struggling to get past the working all hours to be honest. Every relationship needs to have relaxation time, effort devoted to each other, sharing conversations, hobbies, etc….. He needs to learn how to time manage, then you can have a proper relationship. With that will come better organisational skills.

Sorry but it wouldn’t be for me, unless I have read more into OP’s first post.

If you have kids with him, be prepared to be a single parent in all but name.

You're not compatible. Dont marry him, definitely don't have kids with him.

It's not sweet that he pays for a cleaner, by the way. His live in woman refused to do it, so now he outsources it to another woman.

Could he have forgotten your agreement? Sometimes if something isn't as much of a priority for someone else as it is for you, even if they are keen it could slip their mind. Not an excuse but perhaps what has happened. I'd be annoyed too. Tell him to get himself to the jewellers pronto.

His crazy working hours make me think he's as bad as organising his professional life as his private life.

Sounds like a nice guy OP. TBH, it's unlikely that he will plan a wedding/formal proposal. If you really want to get married, why don't you propose? Seems it's the only way. It's 2024, women do that

But she doesn't want that - she wants it the romantic traditional way.

I'm so relieved that you don't have children with this man, because you'd be doing 100% of the childcare as well as everything else.

If he's working late every night he won't won't to be disturbed to look after a crying child.

When I met my first husband he made lovely plans for our first Valentine's day. By the second one we were engaged( asked me to marry him in my room at teacher training college) and getting married that August.He did absolutely nothing,not even a card. I asked if he wanted to go out for dinner. He wasn't bothered. His comment was " Well we live together now so why do we need to bother". Oh how I wish I had called it all off. The wedding planning was all me . By seven years in we had 2 children but he left when they were 3 and 2. I had doubts and weird dreams in the months before the wedding but I loved him so I dismissed them.I dare say you love him Op but he isn't really there for you is he. If he wanted to do these things he would. He may well do it all for someone else in the future. I suspect that that person won't be you. My second marriage is entirely and absolutely different. My husband adores me. I wish I had known how a relationship is supposed to be but I thought that, if I loved enough for both of us , it would be fine. It was sadly never going to be fine.

Yes, my friend is the OP’s partner. His (now ex-) wife proposed to him when it was clear he wasn’t going to after 7 years, organised the wedding, asked his friend to be best man, organised the house purchase, organised several rounds of IVF when they struggled to conceive, and raised their children and the household while working FT. My friend is also ‘easily overwhelmed” and doesn’t cope well with his stressful job — but, bluntly (we were colleagues), I did the same job during normal office hours, while he stayed in the office late and often went in at weekends. The mere idea of organising anything made him stressed. In the end she just ran out of energy. But to get him out of the house, she had to find him a rental, organise a removal van, and get his utilities turned on.

Don't ever marry and have children someone who can’t plan or organise. It sounds minor, but it’s arrogance. The gruntwork is your problem,forever.

I think the cleaner is 'sweet' . I've been married for 45 years and never had one 😁

If you've already agreed to get married you are basically engaged.

Either you need to tell him a) I expect a proper proposal in the next six months with bells and whistles. But then accept it might be a bit forced.

Or you just say b) Let's book up a wedding date.

We were the latter, no big proposal just agreed we'd get married the next year and had a nice day buying a ring and going to lunch.

It feels like there are some issues in your relationship and you want a performative proposal to fix them or show your DP in a different light.

I'm not saying don't marry him. My DH would never have done a big proposal and that was fine. He'd already shown he was really committed to me. I am the main organiser but there are lots of things he sorts.

I do think you want to examine exactly what is upsetting you about this situation. Also what you want your lives to look like when married with potentially children.

Exactly this, another 60 years of..this? Are you sure ?

Yeah I despair at these sort of replies too