To be annoyed about proposal before he’s even proposed….

[Fuzzyhead992]

I feel like I already know IABU but hear me out, or at least help me get over it….

myself and DP been together 7 years. Have a couple of cats and a house together, no children. We love each other very much, we’re very rocky through Covid but we both agree we’ve been in a good place since. The reason for that was he’s self employed and is really busy always working from home, so when I was working from home it got a bit much with all the added pressures of the time, and both of our MH was a bit shot.

Overall we have a lovely life together and can afford some luxuries, very fortunate but we both work extremely hard - however he is a much higher earner, but never gets a break. Working til 11pm most nights etc. he tells me often he loves me, and I trust him completely.

We have spoken lots about getting married, he will openly chat about ‘our’ wedding so it’s definitely not one sided. Says he wants to marry me. However by nature he is not a planner, everything gets left to the last minute (a lot of why he’s working so late), he leaves me to plan holidays etc, he rarely even makes a restaurant booking unless it’s to go out with clients, and he always asks me to find somewhere and book it. He gets easily overwhelmed but you’d never really get that if you were just meeting him down the pub. I organise everything, and he’s happy to let me do it and it usually works out fine.

anyway I have a birthday coming up, and we have both spoken in the last 6 months about being engaged by then.

We are away to a very posh hotel in the countryside next week for my birthday, a very indulgent purchase (we both went halfers on it), especially for not a big birthday. However I know how crazy work has been for him recently, he’s had to work at weekends almost every weekend since we came back from holiday in July. We have a joint bank account so I know he’s not bought an engagement ring, he’s been to football and the pub at night a couple times but hasn’t been near a jeweller, and then tonight I was asking him if we should have my birthday dinner in the hotel restaurant or book a highly reviewed restaurant nearby.

He just grunted at me to book whatever I wanted, so I then asked if we’d be going for a walk etc, so I know if I need to replace my walking boots, and he said to plan whatever I wanted, he’s not had the time but happy to do whatever. I know this sounds like a ploy, but I know him, he has nothing planned.

I’m miffed!! Was chatting to a friend about it saying he’s clearly not going to propose even though I was expecting it, from the fancy hotel and our chats prior, she says to wait and he might pull something together at the last minute. But I don’t want the last minute!! For once it would be lovely for him to put some thought in. Scared to approach him about it in case I seem desperate, but I am a bit.

I don’t need fancy jewellery or a big grand gesture, but just something that proves he’s done a bit of planning for once…. Am I being totally unreasonable?

of course if he does propose I will look like a massive twat, and if he doesn’t I’m sure I’ll still have a lovely weekend but will still be a bit disappointed…. Just don’t want to resent him!!!

If he wanted to, he would.

I think you need to let him do what he's going to do. If you push for it you won't feel it's genuine, and also you need to understand the level of romantic effort he is prepared to make because you need to know what you're getting into in a marriage. He won't change his nature, and you need to go in eyes open.

"He just grunted at me to book whatever I wanted"

You sound like a proper princess who is needy and wants to be pampered, and the above description indicates he is fed up. Good luck with your fairy tale proposal.

I agree.

DH and I had one conversation about getting married. I said let’s buy a ring today and start booking our wedding once we’ve told our families tomorrow. If you agree to get married - you’re engaged!

I organise everything, and he’s happy to let me do it and it usually works out fine.

Until it doesn't. Do not marry him. Build up your finances to make sure you are o.k.

Your future self will thank you.

Why are you "organising everything" anyway? Hope you are organising your own life.
Much more important.

It’s pretty bad that you have to pretend to be ‘jokey’ about manicures in order not to overwhelm Mr Easily Overwhelmed with overly upfront references to something that requires planning, and that you’re pathetically pleased that he ‘hasn’t forgotten’. Are you similarly going to have to tiptoe around the idea of actually marrying? Will you have to organise that too, and tiptoe round the idea of setting a date? What about children? I agree with @AngelinaFibres — he’s trained you to expect the absolute minimum, and now you’re pathetically thrilled he’s grudgingly ‘planning something’, though you know it will be thrown together.

I happen to think elaborate proposals are ridiculous, but this one is symptomatic of a man who will do the absolute minimum. He’s not someone to tie your life to. He’s certainly not someone to have children with. Children don’t care if you’re ‘easily overwhelmed’, and they expect everything of you. You admit yourself that he’s only working till 11 every night because he’s disorganised. If you have a child, he can’t work till 11. He will need to stop and get your baby from the childminder by 6, regards of how stressed he is, and he will need to make dinner, supervise homework, do bathtime, bedtime, drop to sports etc etc — and he will need to do this every night. And that baby will wake up at 3 am at times, regardless of whether it suits his father. Are you going to shield him from parenthood too?

Aww, just read your update... good luck and remember what works for you, doesn't work with 90% of mn.

A higher earner working up till 11pm alot of the time, is insane. I really hope he manages a better work/ life balance in the future.

From being married to a similar sort, my only advice is to adjust your expectations. My DH does not plan ahead much. If I want to do something I arrange it. He will happily join in with decision making and choices but seldom initiates them. Part of me would love him to make spontaneous grand gestures but I’ve learned it ain’t gonna happen. It’s just not him, disappointing as it is. Equally there are no doubt things he cares about that just aren’t on my radar. But he is a loving, affectionate man, an excellent father and shares cooking and housework. A good partner. For me the trade off is worth it.

How unkind.

You like effort, he doesn't do effort. It sounds like he is going to be one big disappointment to you. If he is already this much hard work are you absolutely sure you want to tie yourself to that for the rest of your life?

Well, good luck. I can’t pretend to understand all this “agreeing to get engaged by X” stuff- it sounds so forced- but clearly lots of people do it.

Sounds like you’re an over-planner and he’s an under-planner. Neither is better so I’d ask yourself whether you can just accept how he is because neither of you is going to change. If so, great, you will complement each other very well. If not, you’ll both be resentful.

Gosh this all sounds very hard work.

Are you sure you’re not just his glorified PA x

You know you are going to be planning and arranging everything forever if you marry him?

It's annoying now but 1000 x more annoying when you have kids.

Who looks after the cats?

Do you say the same on all the threads where women are asking how to make life more manageable when they are under pressure at work?

He feeds them in the morning, I feed them at night. Outdoor cats, they have a litter tray in the utility that they hardly ever use, and they’re hardly ever at the vet, if I’m off work then I’ll take them and if I’m at work he takes them. But they’re not at the vet often

JumperStripes · Today 22:17
He should be cleaning the bathroom after himself, not paying for a cleaner to do it. Honestly, OP have some standards.

🤣 I have a cleaner so I must have no standards. This sounds like my MIL who is horrified at the mere thought of women’s work being outsourced.

I’d rather be earning £250/hr while paying a cleaner £30/hr or putting my feet up than scrubbing toilets myself. I had a shitty Uni job cleaning public toilets, I’ve paid my dues in that department.

She was the same about childcare. I’d get the “why have children if you’re off to work and someone else is raising them?”

he was there for me and helped clear out the hoarder house when my mum died

This is the sort of thing that good friends and kind strangers do to support someone during a crisis. You do not need to become his PA, housekeeper, and sex toy for the rest of your life out of a misplaced sense of gratitude.

It sounds like your relationship only exists because you force it to exist, single-handedly, by initiating absolutely everything. All the organising and all the doing is yours, and will be yours forever.

What would happen if you stopped? If you left him to his own devices? Does he care enough to do his half of creating and maintaining a relationship?

Are you brave enough to find out — or do you already know the answer?

Definitely do not have kids with him, for their sake as well as your own.

Honestly OP, relax about it all, you'll end up building it up in your mind and then nothing will seem good enough. I mean this with kindness, but It's his proposal to do, not yours to plan and manage.

You love him and he loves you, that is all that matters.

I think your relationship sounds absolutely fine and some of what you have said really resonates with me, I am self employed in a stressful job and I often feel like I'm just trying to get by until the next week, get through the next few days etc, it's hard to relax when you're wound so tight and there is so much work to do.. when I'm on holiday though I switch off from everything work related and love it, hopefully he is the same.

Have a great time and try and relax :)

@YellowRoom he pays a cleaner because he works very long hours, OP likes a clean house, and his hard work enables him to outsource the cleaning. What is wrong with that?

Not quite sure where you extrapolated all that from...!

Don't most women organise their wedding?! I know I did. I've have died waiting otherwise. Married 34 years.

How mean.

Wow Fuzzy, I bet you're really glad you came on here, huh 😉
I hope it all works out for you both

OP knows he was there for her when her mum died. So what if good friends or kind strangers can theoretically clean out a hoarder house too- it was the support OP needed at the time from him. I am sure it meant a lot to her that he didn’t leave her dependent on the kindness of strangers.

What you said is just wierd. Almost anything we do for each other or our DC can be done by a good friend or a kind stranger in a crisis. That by itself doesn’t mean a relationship is somehow based on “misplaced gratitude.”

Effort in a relationship can be demonstrated in numerous ways and we all have our strengths and weaknesses that affect what we can and cannot do regardless of level of caring.