To be annoyed about proposal before he’s even proposed….

[Fuzzyhead992]

I feel like I already know IABU but hear me out, or at least help me get over it….

myself and DP been together 7 years. Have a couple of cats and a house together, no children. We love each other very much, we’re very rocky through Covid but we both agree we’ve been in a good place since. The reason for that was he’s self employed and is really busy always working from home, so when I was working from home it got a bit much with all the added pressures of the time, and both of our MH was a bit shot.

Overall we have a lovely life together and can afford some luxuries, very fortunate but we both work extremely hard - however he is a much higher earner, but never gets a break. Working til 11pm most nights etc. he tells me often he loves me, and I trust him completely.

We have spoken lots about getting married, he will openly chat about ‘our’ wedding so it’s definitely not one sided. Says he wants to marry me. However by nature he is not a planner, everything gets left to the last minute (a lot of why he’s working so late), he leaves me to plan holidays etc, he rarely even makes a restaurant booking unless it’s to go out with clients, and he always asks me to find somewhere and book it. He gets easily overwhelmed but you’d never really get that if you were just meeting him down the pub. I organise everything, and he’s happy to let me do it and it usually works out fine.

anyway I have a birthday coming up, and we have both spoken in the last 6 months about being engaged by then.

We are away to a very posh hotel in the countryside next week for my birthday, a very indulgent purchase (we both went halfers on it), especially for not a big birthday. However I know how crazy work has been for him recently, he’s had to work at weekends almost every weekend since we came back from holiday in July. We have a joint bank account so I know he’s not bought an engagement ring, he’s been to football and the pub at night a couple times but hasn’t been near a jeweller, and then tonight I was asking him if we should have my birthday dinner in the hotel restaurant or book a highly reviewed restaurant nearby.

He just grunted at me to book whatever I wanted, so I then asked if we’d be going for a walk etc, so I know if I need to replace my walking boots, and he said to plan whatever I wanted, he’s not had the time but happy to do whatever. I know this sounds like a ploy, but I know him, he has nothing planned.

I’m miffed!! Was chatting to a friend about it saying he’s clearly not going to propose even though I was expecting it, from the fancy hotel and our chats prior, she says to wait and he might pull something together at the last minute. But I don’t want the last minute!! For once it would be lovely for him to put some thought in. Scared to approach him about it in case I seem desperate, but I am a bit.

I don’t need fancy jewellery or a big grand gesture, but just something that proves he’s done a bit of planning for once…. Am I being totally unreasonable?

of course if he does propose I will look like a massive twat, and if he doesn’t I’m sure I’ll still have a lovely weekend but will still be a bit disappointed…. Just don’t want to resent him!!!

You don't need a ring to get engaged. I'd have been more annoyed if he bought a ring first without consulting me. We went together to find a ring that I liked.

You've been together a long time. You've discussed marriage already. Waiting around for a 'proposal' seems so passive and redundant really.
He wants to marry you or he doesn't. Ask him and decide when, together.
Having to ask someone to perform for you and provide you with the 'experience' you think you should have when you've already made a decision to get married seems pretty empty to me.
Grown up, serious convo much more real 🤷‍♀️

A lifetime of disappointment awaits OP, all this could be yours, forever. Think carefully.

Saying "when we get married" a few times and doing fuck all about it, isn't really enthusiastic. He can organise himself down to the football with his mates, and isn't too overwhelmed to make restaurant reservations for clients, but where's the effort for you?

I am still very puzzled that this high earning high flier wants you to stump up half for your birthday trip, and won't raise a finger to do a thing towards it. I know you don't want to comment on your relationship, but the moment a ring goes on your finger is a moment. You'll be dealing with the relationship for years, that's what needs the focus.

If you marry him, you will be his life facilitator.

That's if he would LET you organise the propose and wedding.

I will have a good old think about where I am in his priorities if I were you.

I honestly think you need to take a step back, re-read the post, and consider very carefully whether you’ll say yes if he asks. You sound more like his PA than his partner.

Am I wrong here ? Dh 30 years ago proposed- I rather liked choosing the ring together rather than him just turning up with a little box

I think it's because the proposal is indicative of your daily lives.

If you're organising everything while he's constantly working, you might need to organise the proposal too

I don’t disagree, but I think the failure to propose is just a symptom of a relationship in which the ‘easily overwhelmed’ partner leaves all the gruntwork to the other person. I’m suspicious of a situation where one party can hold down a high-paid, high-stress job, but can’t cope with making a restaurant reservation. Which means his girlfriend has to act as unpaid PA.

Here’s the thing with a man like this, OP, you can make him appear to be a devoted and thoughtful partner by planning your joint life out and just getting him to turn up and maybe cover the bills. In some cases, as with the cleaner, this isn’t a bad approach. He can buy in some aspects of doing his fair share without it materially affecting your relationship, it may even be better than him doing the work himself. But if he is only ever present with you in the moment, if he doesn’t consider you when you aren’t there participating with him, if he likes the idea of his relationship with you but he’s never doing anything to progress it or to make you happy, if his plans are always for other things and never you, it will always be a one sided relationship and it will grow more and more tiresome as you get older. Especially if, at some point, you have something external to him you really want to concentrate on and need him to pick up some of the slack relationship-wise for a few months or years (career, children, ill health, caring for parents, a hobby you do well at, etc.). You will end up feeling short changed.

People are going on a lot about how much he does in other aspects because they want you to realise that it won’t just be the engagement. If this is how he is generally and he isn’t picking it up for something big like proposing, despite having said all the right things when you talk - he is never, ever going to prioritise you in his life.

He can organise a cleaner and pay for her ( because he doesn't want to have to bother clearing up after himself).
He can organise time off, buy tickets and presumably communicate with friends, in order to attend a football match.
He can communicate with clients, book a restaurant and turn up on the correct day and time to eat with them and pay for the meal.
He can't be bothered to do any of this for you and charged you half the cost of your birthday . He isn't incapable, he just can't be bothered. As the saying goes "If he wanted to, he would".

I do not think I am projecting.
They are pre child and naturally career focussed so ofc their current life as a couple is going to be very different.
It’s not just mothers that change their work life balance when children come along, fathers do too.
We can’t predict with complete certitude what post DC life will be like for OP based on the life of them as a couple.
I was offering balance and possibility instead of oracular proclamations.

Some of the replies on this were making me a bit wobbly so I cracked it and went through to speak to him. I tried being jokey and said I wasn’t sure if he had forgotten all the conversations about proposing and was wondering whether I should be getting my nails done or not, and he was so lovely.

Told me he knows it’s not going to be a surprise because we’ve discussed it and he knows it’s what I wanted but he is planning something but not saying any more. I don’t care that it’s not a big surprise, and I still feel it’s going to be thrown together at the last minute but it’s nice to know he’s not forgotten at least.

I doubt anyone here has a partner who’s absolutely perfect, I know I’m not as someone else has pointed out, but I’m there for the day to day for him, and he’s there for me. The man is petrified of flying, will only have video calls with clients abroad even when they will fully fund trips, but comes on holiday with me because he knows i like going abroad, he was there for me and helped clear out the hoarder house when my mum died, he makes me coffee every morning while I get ready for work etc. Not that I should have to justify all that!

Yes he’s shit at some things, but I love him, and yes I want a ring and down on one knee proposal, is that so bad??

I agree. People are just concerned about you. The proposal is not separate from the relationship or future marriage.

I would be concerned if a friend was so fixated on their proposal that they were overlooking the bigger picture.

Yes he’s shit at some things, but I love him, and yes I want a ring and down on one knee proposal, is that so bad??

Most of the replies I've read don't care what kind of proposal you want, they're concerned about what kind of married life you'll get.

That sounds a whole lot better OP, and I apologise if I got the wrong impression. Hope things work out for you both.

I think you should tell him what you've written in your first post OP. Especially the bit about how you're feeling miffed and that you have had the chats a lot and you were really hopeful for it and also that you don't want last minute. It's an important thing and you'd like to feel like he will plan it. Especially given you plan everything else anyway. My DH sounds very similar to yours and I told him how it made me feel. Every year his planning improves and he tried really hard now and it makes me feel like he really cares about seeing me happy.

I also know with my DH he is last minute about everything, struggles to plan these things in general (I wondered if he has undiagnosed ADHD). And so the fact that he puts thought and organisation into it means even more.

Edit: sorry I didn't read your update before I posted. He sounds like a good egg :)

That’s a great update OP!
It is the whole person that matters. So many of my friends who got the flashy romantic instagrammable proposal ended up divorced because their loving hubby thought the day to day minutia was beneath him.

Posters are rightly concerned for you, but I think they may be mistaking a tree for the forest.

You can have whatever you allow yourself to have. We'll see you back here in 3 years when you're married with a baby and he's still working 1,000 hours a week. One of the benefits of mumsnet is that older people ,who have lived many lives, can give a point of view from personal life experience. My first husband wasn't all bad. No one ever is. But marriage is hard and children make it even harder. Someone who does just about enough at just about the last minute when you are in another room tearing your hair out with frustration is not a man to be tied to. But if you want marry him you can.None of the rest of us will be living your life

What do you mean "he's not forgotten"? You reminded him!

It looks like your bar is really low, OP, and that's what PPs are trying to say.

I’m probably showing my age here but I’ve been ‘engaged’ 3 times, married once and had a commitment agreement with most recent DP
On each occasion we’ve talked about it in advance ie - should we get engaged?
No surprise proposals - mutual decision about where our relationship is up to, choosing a ring etc together
Just talk together OP, decide what you both want and if it’s not the same you already have your answer

You are being unreasonable to expect him to magically morph into a different person to match your proposal daydreams.

He is being exactly who he is, and who he's always been throughout your relationship. If you want something different then you have to choose someone different.

This is a blessing in disguise. You've set up a few key moments in life that, if you can only get them to match your ideal, will let you off the hook for compromising every other acceptable standard in relationship. He's oblivious, and will fail your test, forcing you to confront how you've been letting yourself down all along.

FPBP

If he makes you happy and you truly think he will be an equal life partner, then who is anyone here to rain on your parade?

Good luck x

Saucer of milk for Kateof!